Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Yivamoon
What are these reasonable steps? OP supervises her child and has offered to put up a net or add to the fence. What else can she do?

Trying to show empathy they may be shielding and having potentiality infected items thrown into their garden (half eaten food, potentially mouthed items) must be frightening.

I think some of the suggestions coupled with no food in the garden may be a way forward.

I would also contact the children's disability team at social care and ask for respite in school it certainly isn't just keyworkers who can have these arrangements.

I don’t have any advice but you sound like your doing a great job and your neighbours sound like idiots sending 3 grown men to bully a women

Put up a high trellis OP. They have no right to complain. If they become aggressive about the trellis call the police. They can't expect you to do anything when they they are being obstructive.

cansu - reasonable steps are to move trampoline, have a high net around it, not have toys on the trampoline....

I'd put up a trellis or netting to help stop things going over.

Your son is 7 with SEN with severe needs and they are adults.

On a practical note some carers are still providing respite in our area to help parents of children with more severe needs/disability. Can you contact school and see if they can make a referral for you for some help? School will know the contact details for your area. Tell them what it is like and ask for help.

Good luck and really sorry that your neighbours are not understanding of your situation.

WOW
"Coffeepot72 Tue 05-May-20 09:57:26
ultimately it is the OP’s responsibility to control their child’s behaviour, whatever the child’s condition. It’s the OP’s responsibility not to allow their offspring to bother the neighbours
EXACTLY. It is not up to neighbours to work around this situation or provide a solution. Imagine if the neighbours acquired three really noisy dogs/large drum kit/brass band and then expected the OP to use her garden on a scheduled basis …….."

Wow you both obviously have no understanding of severely autistic children with sensory issues and severe developmental delays (non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level).... he cannot help it. You cannot 'control'... his noise is anxiety/frustration/bewilderment with what is going on. He won't understand 'why' the parks are closed etc etc...

I feel for you OP there are some pretty ignorant people who have no understanding of SEVERE disability out there/on here. Please seek help from your school for a referral/suggestions etc.

Good luck.

Comparing the behaviour of a severely learning disabled child and suggesting she should control it to having a noisy dog or drum kit etc shows just how truly ignorant you are of learning disability.

Do you rent? If so I would report them to the police to harassment and criminal damage. If you own then I would weight the inconvenience/unfairness of moving against reporting them at the risk of struggling to sell.

Imagine if the neighbours acquired three really noisy dogs/large drum kit/brass band and then expected the OP to use her garden on a scheduled basis

OP's DS is a vulnerable and has complex SN He is not an animal. Also, you cannot compare him and his needs to an adult without SN making a deliberate noise to wind up the neighbours.

@Coffeepot72 the neighbours are quite noisy too.

I think that this is a difficult situation for everyone, though I do understand that it most likely is harder for OP than the neighbours. It must be incredibly tough for you having to manage this with none of your usual support, I hope you can find some way to get the help you need.

I understand that you can’t always stop it happening, and are struggling in a very tough situation. However, whilst I don’t think your neighbours sound like the nicest people in the world-and could be more understanding of the situation you are in- I can’t say they are entirely unreasonable either. They are wrong to burst the balls and certainly should not have sent their adult sons round to talk to you- they should have done that themselves (or written a letter/called you).

That said, I think many people, including me, would find balls/food/soil being thrown over their fence frequently, accompanied by loud shouting and screeching quite difficult to put up with too. I understand your son isn’t doing it to deliberately annoy anyone and because if his ASD cannot be “reasoned with”, nor will punishments make him stop. But your neighbours do have a right to be in their garden without things been thrown in frequently. Noise like loud screeching and shouting can be incredibly intrusive and irritating (I speak from experience). They probably don’t want to be stuck in the house all day any more than you and your son do- they have a right to use their garden without being disturbed all the time. Just as you and your son also have a right to use the garden to allow him to get out and let off steam- both sides need to find a compromise, and I understand that you have tried to do something by building a higher fence whilst they won’t agree to it,

I think many irritations/annoyances are being exacerbated by the Lockdown restricting people’s freedom to be out and about. Things stop being an irritation and start to become a real annoyances, people’s tolerance can take a dip in these circumstances. When it’s a longer running thing I think frustration can easily boil over in current circumstances. You have job idea what stresses and strains they may be under (may be none at all, maybe significant).

That said, I don’t understand why they have rejected the offer of raising the fence (maybe think it will block out too much light?). Would nets work if he can throw as far as OP says though? I must admit I probably wouldn’t be in a hurry to throw the balls back over- especially at the moment- as I’d think that will just mean they come back over more often. But I definitely would not burst them, that is not right either. Could your son use the balls in the house rather than outside?

Imagine if the neighbours acquired three really noisy dogs/large drum kit/brass band and then expected the OP to use her garden on a scheduled basis

A truly disgusting ignorant comment

It's understandable that balls coming over the fence will be annoying. However, the neighbours have sent round 3 adult men to intimidate a widow with a severely disabled child. They have deliberately burst said disabled child's sensory toys. They have refused to allow OP to do anything to try and mitigate the problem, like fixing netting to the fence, or raising it and have even told OP that they will report her if she does do something. These are not the actions of reasonable people.

OP - I would speak to planning at your local authority. Explain the issue, say you want to erect a fence on your side as tall as permitted and fix netting to it to try and reduce the number of toys which go over the fence. Then if the neighbours do complain, you know you've already got approval for your fence.

I would also speak to your son's social worker and the police to say you feel you are being harassed due to your son's disability. Explain that they have destroyed your son's disability toys, this is completely unacceptable and sent their 3 adult sons round to talk to you and you found this intimidating.

You cannot lock your son away indoors, he has the right to use his garden. You can take reasonable steps to reduce the amount of toys going over the fence, such as by erecting a tall fence on your property. However there's only so much that you can do.

They might have said no to a higher fence but if the fence / netting is in your garden and is legal then that's not their call to make

Surely this is correct.
They don't want anything attached to their fence which is uncooperative of them but they don't sound at all co-operative so that's no surprise.
I don't know how you cope all day every day so you have my heartfelt sympathy, but you need to make some changes in your garden.

From an outside perspective, is the really obvious solution perhaps keeping his toys and meals inside so he has nothing to throw? I’m really confused as to why you would continue to give him toys and food outside when he isn’t capable of keeping them to himself (and I have no doubt that’s why your neighbours are annoyed too, you don’t seem to have taken any steps to prevent this).

Perhaps trampoline at set times of the day so they know when to expect it? Trampoline themselves are hideously noisy even if you think he isn’t being.

They’re arseholes for ball bursting but I don’t imagine this is how they expected they would be spending their retirement.

I can’t begin to imagine how frazzled you must be doing all this yourself, but they sound difficult and if you want a peaceful life there it’s best to do all you can to keep them on side.

To those suggesting the OP asks for a school place - there are very few places available for children like the OP's son. The behaviour he is showing wouldn't get him a place. Even teenagers with really unsafe challenging behaviour that is resulting in people getting hurt are not being given school places or respite. Unless a child's special school happens to be one of the few that are open to some pupils most parents are getting no support at all.
The OP can ask but it is unrealistic to think a school place is likely.

I wouldn’t take their word for that the netting wouldn’t be allowed. Contact the council yourself and explain the situation.

"I’m really confused as to why you would continue to give him toys and food outside when he isn’t capable of keeping them to himself."

It's likely he will be taking things out himself so unless you keep everything locked away and police his every move ( and who lives like that)things will get out. The answer is to put something up so things don't get into the neighbours garden but they seem to be objecting to that.

@lemonsandlimes123 People who are expecting things to be thrown back, I wouldn't want to be throwing back things that had been played with by a child with sensory issues who i very much doubt practices scrupulous hand hygiene at the best of times.

Did you seriously just say that? I have no words for how judgemental and stupid that comment is...

FWIW sensory issues often include over washing of the hands due to hating how they feel (in my dd's (asd) case, her hands always feel sticky to her even when they aren't)

My heart broke reading this. Bursting your balls? This is property damage ffs freaking morons. You sound so kind and caring. Any chance you can have a (decent) talk to them?

Yivamoon child throws balls high up in the air due to sensory disability. High net already round trampoline. I have a son with asd he can throw things over a trampoline net. Given that the OPs son no longer has access to his usual activities and respite, has no language and has the mental age of a toddler, what else do you suggest? I would imagine that taking away his access to the garden and his sensory balls, she would be left with a child who would be distressed and possibly violent in the house 24/7. But at least the neighbours aren't disturbed by a few sensory balls landing in their garden. FFS

I also think that you can be too nice and too apologetic. I have done this myself and have basically apologised for my family's existence over the years and have kept my son away from others when I should have been standing up for our right to live our best life. I have stopped this now and am much less likely to accept people's intolerant attitudes.

I don't have any great suggestions I'm afraid, but wanted to add my sympathies. My youngest has similar diagnosis & presentation as your DS. Looking after him during normal circumstances a difficult enough, never mind during lock-down.

There's no amazing solution to this one other than to plan on moving at some stage. I'm lucky that my home is in the country- farmyard on one side and distant neighbour on the other. They could care less what goes on in our garden!! Otherwise a net seems a viable option. It might not solve all your problems but at least you can show you've made a reasonable effort. Could your council help? If you
look for permission to erect one & your neighbors object it will show them to be the unreasonable ones.

If it's any consolation, my boy is 12 now, and he's changed a lot. It mightn't look amazing to anyone outside our family but he's calmer, his receptive language has come on amazingly and he's developed some more appropriate interests.

Disney movies have been a blessing. He started with Moana, then Tangled and now we're on a Frozen 1 & 2 marathon. He's watched them all a million times, but they're brilliant especially for Drs offices & the like. There's a group called the Okee Dokee Brothers that have 3 small films that he absolutely loves. I bought all these via Apple/iTunes so I have them downloaded on his iPad.

Last thing- I've given my boy this supplement for years. It's really helped. Every now & again I stop it & really see a difference. He's more regulated & calmer. It's mostly B Vitamins & Folic Acid.

All the best xx