Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

sympathies OP. I have a DD with severe autism.

I would ignore the neighbours. You suggested a few things. They clearly are not interested in getting things sorted...

I get it is tough on them too and as your son, he is none of their problem. However, your DS is also entitled to use the garden, he has a disability which cannot be controlled/managed otherwise and he does have just as much a right to use the garden as someone without disability. There is no off button so what else can you do? He is not an animal that should be locked away.

I always say that if you cannot stand the idea of having contact with those with disabilities, then you need to avoid the public alltogether and you need to move into the countryside where you don't have neighbours nearby.

I’ve seen a sort of football training toy where the ball is attached to a fixed rope, would something like that be an option? Sort of like swingball. Your neighbours are awful.

If I can cope in a terrace hearing this sound then I don’t see why OP’s neighbours can’t get the fuck over themselves. smile

Perhaps not everyone shares your saintly fortitude

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but have been playing during lockdown constantly with beach balls with DD (who has some mild difficulties) and they are cheap, not too noisy and can't be thrown as far as a heavier ball.

Oh, they are just awful. I feel so bad for you, OP.
Could the trampoline be moved to the other side of the garden? If not, maybe have a 'no food' rule on there (it will attract rats! ).
Sharpie pen on the sensory balls. And maybe buy a junior basketball hoop for your son.
I'm so sorry though, OP. They are arses and you are absolutely doing your best in a very stressful situation

If it's not the OP's fault the kid is disabled, it's certainly not the neighbours' fault! There is a huge amount of negativity towards the neighbours, we don't know whether they have mental or physical health problems of their own, and all they want to do is live in peace.

Ultimately it is the OP's responsibility to control their child's behaviour, whatever the child's condition. It's the OP's responsibility not to allow their offspring to bother the neighbours.

Your son making noise for regulation, stimming or because he is trying to communicate is related to his disabilities. The neighbours complaining about the noise is equivilant to the neighbours complaining about the noise from a wheelchair on the floor, an oxygen machine etc. It is directly related to their condition.

I have just read about the older son's going around please contact the police and log it. This could get worse. Another though if you live in a council property contact the la and complain about them also.

To anyone saying that the neighbours aren't entitled, they quite clearly. The op and her child have every right to be in her garden, it is her garden. Her son cannot switch this behaviour off any more than someone without use of their legs can walk because it is easier than having a ramp fitted. We've moved away (not very far) from the days where people were institutionalised because it was convenient than having them in the community. People with disabilities have as much right to be in their homes as anyone without a disability whether they make noise or not.

Just a thought in regards to them refusing the raised fence.... contact the la children's disability social workers and ask for the person who deals with house adaptations. The la can fit a higher fence even if the property is privately owned. If the neighbours don't like it they would need to take it up with the la not you and is they remove it or damage it the la would have to deal with that. If the la deem that your child needs a higher fence for their safety or wellbeing it would be difficult for the neighbours to fight it. Logging the incidents with a disability social worker is a good idea too, it may be that they can help with equipment also especially while there isn't any short breaks or respite.

Please do log this with the police, the fact they are willing to send men to your house is very intimidating, at the end of the day you are a single mum living with a disabled child.

The neighbours behaviour is disgusting. You and your son should not have to put up with them.

@Screechywah - Contact the school and ask what provisions are in place - he may be able to return to school for his own wellbeing.

www.ipsea.org.uk/news/ipsea-update-on-covid-19-school-closures-and-sen-provision
If you feel strongly that your child needs to continue receiving (at least some) educational input, the key thing to flag is if there could be a risk to their health, wellbeing or safety if they do not receive a particular provision or intervention

www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-guidance-on-vulnerable-children-and-young-people/coronavirus-covid-19-guidance-on-vulnerable-children-and-young-people
As part of the response to coronavirus (COVID-19), educational settings have been asked to continue to provide care for a limited number of children and young people:

those who are vulnerable
those whose parents/carers are critical to the coronavirus (COVID-19) response.

The government encourages vulnerable children and young people to attend educational settings unless they have underlying health conditions that put them at severe risk

I had this ,exactly.
My ds is now 21 ,
He threw eggs at the neighbours back door ,I went round and cleaned it off while absolutely sobbing ,and I gave them flowers to say sorry ,which they gave me back .they have never spoke to us since .
The other side complained every single day ,and would bring every toy he threw over back round ,by knocking on our door ,and insisting on handing it to me with a lecture .
Neither side had children ,never mind a child with autism and adhd.
I really understand op
I cried my heart out many times over the same issues as you .
I took to keeping the back door locked at all times ,and only allowing him in the garden when I was there.
If I needed the loo I brought him in and locked the back door
That’s how he threw the eggs ,when I’d gone to the loo.
I also removed any small toys ,sandpit toys ,balls ect ,and anything he could actually throw over I removed ,so he just had his slide and swing .
They moved eventually on one side ,but the other side did not ..as I said they still ignor us

Actually I’ve not read the full thread ...sorry if I’ve said anything insensitive,as I get the feeling from posts above mine there’s more to the op situation than mine .sorry if I’ve said the wrong thing

So your neighbours dislike your child but are not prepared to do or accept anything to solve the problem?
They won't allow a higher fence?
I would have been round there giving them a large piece of my mind by now and I'd report them to the local police (not 999) for harrassment and bullying of a disabled child and damaged property and would probably chuck some cat shit over there as well.
I hate small minded people like that, it benefits everybody for all concerned to pull together to solve a problem not expect their lives to be untarnished by someone elses child.
I expect they think the solution would be to lock your child away in an asylum like they did in their day.
I hate them for you OP - report them and their shitty behaviour.

*If it's not the OP's fault the kid is disabled, it's certainly not the neighbours' fault! There is a huge amount of negativity towards the neighbours, we don't know whether they have mental or physical health problems of their own, and all they want to do is live in peace.

Ultimately it is the OP's responsibility to control their child's behaviour, whatever the child's condition. It's the OP's responsibility not to allow their offspring to bother the neighbours.*

Fabulous another absolute idiot who thinks disabled people should be locked up in an asylum so that you can enjoy your gin and tonic in peace.

I'm betting OP NEVER gets a break and would enjoy the milk of human kindness now and again.

They shouldn't be popping the toys, but they shouldn't have to deal with toys and food and soil being thrown into their garden either.

They might have said no to a higher fence but if the fence / netting is in your garden and is legal then that's not their call to make.

Your son can't help the noise he makes, but equally the fact he can't help it doesn't make it any quieter for the neighbours.

It is a stressful situation for both parties and there is no obvious solution that will suit everyone.

@nowiknowmynoodles, you really don't understand, do you?

Read the posts. The OP's child has quite considerable special needs.

There is really little point in saying 'make him stop', 'reason with him'- the child is autistic and locked in his own reality.

Can't you exercise a little compassion and understanding?

Prior to lockdown, the lives of many SN parents WERE lockdown. Little has changed. Depression and anxiety and self-isolation are realities we live with.

Much of the depression, I have to say, originates with being judged by other people for behaviour in our disabled children we have little ability to control. I have even been asked, by a relative, if I drank in pregnancy.

You can only try to help them, but inculcating social skills and self-awareness takes a very long time in autistic children.

Ultimately it is the OP's responsibility to control their child's behaviour, whatever the child's condition. It's the OP's responsibility not to allow their offspring to bother the neighbours.

certain conditions cannot be controlled. Disability is a part of life and as such, we just have to accept that it impacts on people's lifes. There is nothing else the OP can do. She offer to build a fence but the neighbours rejected it.

out of interest (I have a child with severe autism) - how do you control the behaviour is someone with severe and and low functioning ASD? I could do with some pointers?

@Kickanxietyinthebeanbag

That's awful, you did your best.

Handing flowers back to someone who is trying to apologise is a horribly hurtful thing to do.

The lectures make you want to curl up and never speak to people again...does your son still behave like this or has he changed? My son is 13 and has got a lot quieter.

I think there needs to be some balance. Having food, balls and soil thrown over your fence as well as periods of shouting is quite hard to cope with when you are stuck at home.

I think you need to compromise and when you cant supervise your ds outside he needs to be inside with you, that way you will always be aware of what he is doing.

I would ignore further complaints from the neighbours, they are never going to be friends with you, lots of people are arseholes.

Does your son have an OT, OP?

It might be helpful for them to assess the environment to see if they have any bright ideas?

Best wishes whatever happens, I'm sure you can do without ignorant stick in the mud neighbours.

I think you need to compromise and when you cant supervise your ds outside he needs to be inside with you, that way you will always be aware of what he is doing.

you cannot supervise every little movement every waking minute of the day. Have you ever looked after someone with severe ASD by yourself?

peoplewhoannoyyou
You claim it is the Op's responsibility to control her child. It is obvious you have no idea about severe autism. It cannot be cured or controlled. Autism is a disability that affects the development of the brain. In those severely affected like the Op's son, it isn't possible to just 'control' by telling him off. In order to stop her ds from throwing his balls in the gaden and making vocalisations, the Op would need to lock him in the house. Are you suggesting that she do this?? If you or even any expert have found a way to stop severely autistic people from having sensory problems then I am sure many families and teachers will be queuing up for this info.

OP states that her child functions as an 18-month-old. You wouldn't leave an 18-month-old alone in the garden. When the child is outside he clearly needs to be supervised. Save phone calls/cooking etc. for when you are both inside.

Sorry I haven't read the whole tread. But can you move the trampoline?
This is how your neighbour might feel:
I had a neighbour with a child that constantly threw toys over the fence. It is annoying, they can hurt if they hit an unsuspecting person. Worse, a toy car
ended up on our BBQ.... They don't know what/ when the next object lands in their garden. The assumption that they have to be given back constantly within reasonable time is annoying. In the end I would collect them, and hand them back at my own convenience.
My dog poped and shredded many balls, leaving small plastic bits in my garden.
So you see, we could not enjoy our garden as it was intended.

You are responsible for your child and you need to take reasonable steps to ensure that your neighbour is safe in their own garden. Try and think of it as an reverse.

Difficult for neighbours as well, being stuck at home and want to be able to enjoy their property. Noone wants balls coming over all time and excess noise. So it is tough for all concerned.
I'd put up and big net and limit time in the garden if they're outside.

and would probably chuck some cat shit over there as well

I mean this is terrible advice, and is not going to help the situation at all.
Personally, I would hate to live next to noise and would very upset to have half eaten food thrown in my garden. I do think the OP understands that from what she's said. I don't think calling the neighbours twats and cunts is helpful. Maybe they have limited understanding of autism and are scared by his behaviour.
OP why don't you write a letter (a sensible, serious letter from you) explaining the current challenges your son is facing and what you are doing about it. Are you able to set out to them what his rough routine is, so they know what times he may be using your garden each day?
Offer to go and collect any balls or food that gets thrown over at a suitable time. Offer your telephone number so they can contact you if things get thrown over that you're not aware of or if the noise is getting too much.

In terms of the fence, you said they don't want to increase the height. Is it their boundary or do they think you were expecting them to pay? Set out clearly what you are prepared to do (e.g. I will be installing some heightened netting on my side of the fence. It will be at my cost and I believe this will stop balls coming over as frequently. I see this a temporary term set up during lockdown).

I would agree with other PPs about just getting out more. Yes you're meant to go once a day, but given the circumstances I think you'd be better taking him out twice day to a park to let off steam. I really doubt the Police are going to issue a fine in these circumstances.
My final advice would be just deal with the situation directly and friendly, passive aggressive behaviour like throwing cat shit over is just going cause a neighbour dispute and I'm sure you don't need that on top of everything else.