Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

They have been criticising me to other neighbours (young pensioners) who now have stopped chatting to me and ignore me if I say hello. I don't want to move, but I don't know how to stop my son annoying them with his typical autistic behaviours.

My house is detached so it's only in the garden that they can hear his shrieking and stimming behaviours.

I don’t think anyone that hasn’t done it knows just how tough a job you are doing.
I would stop worrying about them. You are genuinely doing your best to get through and keep your son and self sane and safe. Their anger/ lack of understanding is their problem. Probably compounded by being stuck in, but their problem none the less.

Stick with the sensory diet/ routine you have going, ignore their ignorance.

The problem is not your son. It's your ignorant neighbours. What a holes.

Add something to your side of the fence so it’s higher.

Apart from that, all you can do, is keep being patient with him.

Bless you

I know this might not help but what about installing a net that sort of faces inward triangularly from the fence so that when he throws something it bounces back into your garden instead of going over? Won’t help with the neighbours not being understanding of your situation but may help with the loss of sensory balls.

Do the neighbours understand your child has sensory issues or do they just think he’s being “bad”? I think it’s totally unreasonable of them not to throw something that is clearly a development aid back over when specifically asked to do so.

You have my complete sympathy and no way should they burst your balls - that’s illegal
property damage. They should not be doing that.

You must put up a fence/netting on your side. That is within your control and would go some way to improving the situation. They are unreasonable but at least this is something you can do.

I feel sorry for all sides here. How long do you allow him to bounce and shout for?

If you limited it to say 20 - 30 minutes a time that may help.

Get some pots of fast growing bamboo to line your side of the fence to stop the balls going over.

They aren't being kind but it sounds as though they are at the end of their tether. They are cfined to their home as well.

Ignore them, they’re not nice ppl. Is there anyway u can raise the fence on ur side.

My heart breaks for you reading this. I have a son who is very similar - autism, learning disabilities and attends complex needs school. It is super shit at the moment.

Your neighbours are arseholes. I am not saying it’s easy living next to a child with special needs - it’s not easy living with one as us parents know!- but lockdown is particularly hard and they should be more understanding.

I would print off some educational material about autism and post it through their door.

(I know they probably won’t read it but you never know)!

I would complain to your local pcos about the damage and refusal to throw back your property- they are not legally allowed to do that and it could be seen as intimidating to you during this stressful time

I'd put up your own fence. It's unreasonable of them to pop the balls if they refuse to get a proper fence.

Oh I’m so sorry OP. What intolerant guts they are. So a bit of toast and some balls come into their garden? So what? He’s not doing it to annoy them. He can’t help it. I suspect they know this too.

Could you write them out a letter explaining his behaviours, saying you try very hard to stop them affecting the neighbours but that it isn’t possible to stop 100% of them, you’re doing your best and apologise for any disturbance but you are asking for their patience and tolerance during a very difficult time.

God they sound bloody awful!! Bursting the balls just seems malicious.

Oh and re the other neighbours, maybe drop a note in through their door to say you’ve noticed they have stopped talking to you and are sorry that they feel put out but that you can not apologise for attempting to provide sensory experiences for your autistic son to aid his development.

You will get lots of comments saying ignore them, fuck them etc etc. However it must be horrific for your neighbours to have to listen to. It is of course not patch on what you are having to deal with but he is your son and you love him, they don't have that love to mitigate the annoyance.
It may be worth dropping them a note that the sensory toys are likely to make things better if they throw them back over.

By letting him go in the garden you are making things better for you and worse for them, unsurprisingly they don't like it.

Well your neighbours sound like very intolerant people. I'd suggest putting some trellis above the top of the fence on your side which will hopefully stop this happening. However they do sound like the sort who would complain to your local council about it being too high, so do be absolutely certain about what you are allowed to do before you start.

They have moaned frequently before lockdown about balls coming over the fence (one of his obsessions) and little pieces of soil coming over. They threatened to speak to the council saying it was disgusting that toys came over the fence and sent their three adult sons round to tell me this. My sons social worker spoke to them and suggested raising the boundary fence, they refused and said if I nailed anything to their fence they would claim for damages. I try to avoid them and don't allow my son in the garden anymore without me but even with me there, he throws things. The other side and house behind just throw things back over without a fuss. It's impossible in the current situation to tire him out and give him the mental and sensory stimulation he needs so his noise levels are obviously up.

This is such a difficult situation and there just isn’t a solution, you have my sympathy. Although it can’t be helped, I can imagine it is quite distressing for your neighbours. Look into getting some netting out up on your side, and maybe send them a card to explain. As long as you’re sure you’re doing everything you can to stop things going over their fence, you can ignore them and know you’re doing nothing wrong.

Some people are arseholes, and don’t have any tolerance. It’s so disappointing, wonder how they would cope in your circumstances. Sorry you are having this issue.

They really don’t help matters do they?

Can you afford to add another fence against theirs.

Therefore you won’t be damaging their fence and you can make yours higher

Do the neighbours know about his SEN?

I completely understand how you feel, having a DS with ASD that’s shunned too. However you do need to remember that if he’s causing that much of a noise and banging against their walls and purposefully chucking things in their garden it will affect them and you can’t expect them to be tolerant of it. Regardless of his additional needs it adds up to anti social behaviour (or so the council were kind enough to inform me when my neighbours complained about my son banging his head repeatedly off the wall and the noise disturbed them ).