Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Call the police, non emergency number, and ask for advice. They are destroying your special needs child's property on purpose. Perhaps someone might find the time to have a 'chat' with them which wlil stop them from being such arseholes.

If yours is a detached house, your child can only be heard from the garden and his balls are taken away, that's very horrible and cruel of next door.

Thats just not the case though is it. This is warm weather. Windows are often open. If someone is screaming and shouting indoors it will be heard by the neighbours even if detached. My neighbour last summer text me one morning to say she had brushed her teeth, after she heard me yell it to my children for the fifth time that morning She lives opposite. With a road in between.

They might well be difficult neighbours. But they're not unreasonable to be upset by this situation.

It's hard for you but hard for your neighbours too. How long is he outside for at any one time? I don't think you've answered this. As hard as it is, it's your responsibility to stop his balls from going in other people's gardens. Several people on this thread have offered possible solutions. Your neighbours sound like they're at the end of their tether. I really do feel for you, but if you were my neighbour, I'd be really distressed if your family's behaviour was impacting me like this. I'd move house, I simply couldn't put up with having someone constantly having a negative impact on my sanity. I honestly don't know what the answer is and I do feel for you, but I'm glad you're not my neighbour

In the first place, write to your neighbours (recorded delivery), setting out how you know it is distressing but your son is autistic and is struggling under the current pandemic situation. Remind them that your social worker suggested they raise the fence but this was not acceptable to them. Let them know you are going to be raising the height of the boundary yourself (either by plants, trellis etc) and that you hope this will put a stop to most if not all of the balls coming over.

I would also contact the community police person and ask for advise. Their behaviour could be considered threatening and disablist if they are going ballistic and I assume being abusive towards your son. At least if there is any come back later, you can demonstrate that you have had concerns previously.

Finally, have a look at backstop netting like they use at footballs fields to stop balls going in dykes etc. You would likely have to apply for planning permission for anything over 2 metres but it would be thin enough to not block light etc and would be high enough to stop balls going over. I am sure something like that would be equally offensive as raising the fence to your neighbours, but it would be churlish of them to complain too loudly about it if it solved a problem that they have.

Keep notes of any encounter about your son with this neighbour and if they send notes etc, keep them too.

It is unbelievably difficult for your neighbours I am sure. But a small amount of tolerance goes a long want to harmonious relations with their neighbours. And if they are badmouthing you to others, it sounds like they are drumming up support for a campaign against you.

Just put up a higher fence next to theirs. I feel for you, it must be so difficult.

For those of you sympathising with the neighbour, if you were in their shoes, would you refuse to allow the fence to be raised which would go towards solving the balls coming over if not the noise?

I don't know, balls hitting a fence would be noisy, I would not give two hoots though if they erected some sort of net.

Can you put a net or lid on the trampoline?

I appreciate this isn't really what you were asking, but would one of these meet your son's sensory needs without losing the ball?

www.swingball.co.uk/sports-academy/football/reflex-soccer-all-surface/reflex-all-surface-soccer-swingball.htm

We had trouble with a neighbour popping balls and giving away
including a brand new Man U birthday present and they knew. I am pretty sure I found out it was illegal perhaps a word with your community officer might be a good idea.

Could you put trellis up on your side of the fence attached to posts not to their fence? Trellis is cheaper and the one from Forest is quite strong.

If your son has his ECHP, he can still go to school. Please, phone your school for your own wellbeing as well as your sons and have a chat. There must be lots they can do to help.

Has your son got one of those footballs that attaches around your ankle with a loop?

Can you speak to your neighbours and maybe agree a couple of hours a day when you don't go outside so that they can have some quiet enjoyment of their garden?

You're not doing anything wrong but it must be very stressful for you worrying about their reactions all the time. They don't sound very pleasant people so if you speak to them and they're hostile I would just stop worrying about it, at least you tried.

Not illegal, they are in her garden and she can do what she likes once on her property. Are you sure, that wasn't what I was told when we this problem, years ago so could have changed but I was told

1. You can't trespass to get the ball
2. They didn't have to return the ball
3. If they took possession of the ball (i.e. moved it anywhere) then they had to return it.
4. Bursting the ball is criminal damage.

Don't know if it has changed or if we were told the wrong thing.

Can the balls be moved inside?

I'm not sure I'd take their word for it that a net (on your own property, not attached to their fence) would violate any laws or rules. I'd contact the council myself and ask.

Or set several pots of dense, fast-growing or already tall plants along the boundary, since presumably plants can't grow too tall for the council, if trees aren't forbidden. (Plants will probably be significantly more expensive than a net, though, and will take time to grow tall enough to make a difference.)

I have lots of sympathy for you (I'm a teacher) but also for the neighbours. We have retired neighbours and the house two over from ours clearly has a similar situation with them. They are nice people but they live for their garden and the screams are terrible and we can hear them too. I have sympathy for both parties. Can you put a trellis up on your side with a climbing plant and have several short sessions rather than the whole time in the garden? It must be impossible all round.

For those of you sympathising with the neighbour, if you were in their shoes, would you refuse to allow the fence to be raised which would go towards solving the balls coming over if not the noise?

It really depends on why. Where i live we are high up. Everyone had 5 feet fences. Because the wind brings them down if theyre higher. One neighbour put up 6 feet fencing. It came down. And stayed down. And is now a bit of an eyesore.

If op’s area has similar issues, the neighbours might think low fencing is better than no fencing.

We just dont know as we dont know the neighbours situation.

Op has had loads of great suggestions on here. Id be tempted to write them all down as your plan and discuss that with the neighbour. If they are still being difficult do what others have said and say well, as you are making lots of adjustments to prevent this and they are still being difficult, if they pop another ball youll take it further.

He has had a full sensory report which stresses the need to jump, throw, kick etc. He is classed as severely autistic along with adhd, severe learning disabilities and the sensory issues. You can repeat yourself indefinitely but he doesn't make a link between actions and consequences.

I feel for you OP. My son is 5 and non verbal, he just makes random screechy noises that can make even us feel on edge. I limit his outside time to 20 minute bursts throughout the day so he isn't annoying the neighbours constantly.
I'd be rolling my sleeves up ready for fighting if he was told to shut up or had his ball popped 😬

So sorry you're going through this OP

I have a friend who is recently bereaved, very stressed, and struggling with lockdown as the next door neighbours have children who get up early, play musical instruments badly in the house then go out to the garden where they scream all day long whilst bouncing around on a trampoline.

These kinds of situations are really difficult for all concerned.

Does your neighbour know about your child's special needs?

Were you on speaking terms with your neighbour before lockdown?

It seems to me that there are layers of stuff going on here.

I can understand how your neighbour might feel very upset because, during a time when we are meant to be social distancing, balls keep flying into her garden. While this might have been annoying at the best of times, these days the consequences could be extremely serious, even life threatening, especially if one has ever hit her in the face.

She cannot escape the screaming and her garden, that should be her refuge, is turned into a loud, unpleasant place where she might get hit on the head with a ball at any moment.

You are doing so well struggling with your son. You cannot help his behaviour and the lockdown can't help. It must be very hurtful for your neighbour to burst the balls. I can see how it might feel like an agressive act.

And this is where the layers of hurt come into it.

Your son isn't trying to deprive your neighbour of her peaceful refuge. He is not trying to hit her with a ball. However, especially if stressed and deprived of her usual restorative garden experience, your son's activities may very well feel aggressive to her.

I can also understand how your neighbour popping the balls can feel very aggressive to you.

Is there any way that you can let her know that you don't wish her any harm, you would stop your son from screaming if you could and that you will do your best to stop the balls flying into her garden?

Because beyond the reality of what is happening that both of you have limited control over, is probably a feeling on both sides that you feel agressive towards one another. The reality probably is that you either don't or didn't to start with but that aggressive feelings can arise out of feeling anxious and under attack.

I think that making an effort to show that you care, and your neighbour needs to do likewise, might possibly help to lower the temperature of the situation?

I'm suggesting that when your son screams your neighbour doesn't just hear screaming she hears "I don't care about your enjoyment of your garden".

When the balls fly over the wall they may be perceived as a similar communication.

When she pops the balls, which she may be doing out of ignorance and fear, it probably feels to you as though she is trying to hurt you your son.

I am probably not expressing myself very well but does that make any sense at all?

Cunts

Well what exactly do they expect you to do if they won’t accept your solutions? I’d put a higher fence or bet up on your side.

I can (sort) of understand- DS and I are both anxious and have been upset by our neighbour’s kids screaming in the garden. I would be stressed if lots of stuff was being chucked over, too. However I am a reasonable person who understands the pressure their parents are probably under, and we haven’t said anything. I think you’ve done all you can by offering a solution, as long as your DS isn’t outside at ‘unsociable hours’.

*net

The kid next door (he's about 9 now) is a thrower.

To my knowledge, he doesn't have any SEN. His Mum stops him as soon as she sees him grab something. But I suppose she had to go to the toilet occasionally.

Didn't stop me being half knocked out when he lobbed a fucking mug over the fence.

Didn't stop my having to pay for a smashed upstairs doubleglazing unit.

Didn't stop the cat cutting his paw on a bottle that had been lobbed over.

In seven years, I couldn't use my garden in summer without collecting numerous toys, balls, bottles, broken glass, crockery, stones, socks, shoes or anything else that came along. So I grew a large, very prickly Rose along the fence, which caught everything. It is my fence, but I'd have done it whether it was or not.

He's recently been redirected to playing keepy-uppy with a ball on a loop, as his last throwing spree ended up with the neighbour on the other side's Audi being (expensively) damaged.

As soon as I hear him come outside, I go in. Just in case something else comes sailing over.

I don't hate the kid next door. But I hate the feeling of never knowing if I'm going to be knocked out again by something if I am foolish enough to stay in my own garden.