Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Then put up a net temporarily. Again, note through door "in view of lockdown, I am temporarily affixing a net to my side of the boundary to prevent my son's balls from coming on your property as this is clearly annoying."

I would also, to be honest, adapt his outside activities and not use balls in the garden for now.

Why are your parks closed? They are open here.

I feel for both sides TBH. While I see how difficult it must be for you, having noisy neighbours is tough when we are all at home 24-7 and at close quarters. Not sure what the solution is but you have my sympathies.

They don't hate your son. They hate having no control over the noise they have to suffer in their own home when, they don't even have the choice to go elsewhere to work/ concentrate/ relax for more than the state-mandated daily walk. I am very sensitive to noise and have migraines so I would hate this situation too.

But, it's absolutely not your fault. It's not their fault. It's definitely not your son's fault. It's just a difficult situation for everyone. to you.

Hi I'm so sorry about your neighbours, your life must be incredibly stressful without them. Let alone their ignorant attitude.

My old house was next to an overgrown embankment and we were always losing sensory balls. I bought a trampoline enclosure and poles, cut along one seam and used it to increase the height of the fence.

It was an inexpensive, instant solution. If his sensory balls are the ones with knobbles it is possible to sew fishing line through an actual knobble so you can retrieve them.

I would also be inclind to write to them in as pleasant a way as possible explaining your son's needs and saying you realise it must be disruptive, and you are doing the best you can, thank them for any kindness and understanding that they can give.

I wouldn't apologise for him.

I hope things get easier for you both very soon, he must be feeling very lost and anxious.

You keep saying you've suggested adding things onto what I assume is their fence and they say no and so... you've just allowed stuff to continue flying over the fence?

They cannot stop you putting up your own fence inside the boundary, or a net, not attatched to their fence. This would solve that problem completely.

If he likes things flying through the air, what about a ball on a rope attatched to a pole or overhead line?

Grumpy - that is terrible advice, if you want to start a neighbourhood war and be accused of harassment that's the way to go about it.

Popping the balls is horrible and mean, but otherwise I have some sympathy for the neighbours, as well as for you and your son.
agree with others that they can’t stop you erecting a net, or a fence within your own garden. Sending their sons round is intimidating and unnecessary. this is tough on everyone.

If he has an ehcp the local authority should be helping with provision ... He is vulnerable.. try the school again if not there should be contact at the council on their website ..

OP: there is a parent in a similar situation to you on the BBC six o'clock news today - you could watch it on catch up. I think the local authorities and special schools need to come up with a solution that doesn't mean parents have absolutely no help with children with complex needs. Whether that means a support worker who is tested before work each day, or something else, I don't know.

Sounds really stressful, for both you and your neighbours. No advice, but didn't want to read and run so will just say good luck and I hope you are able to come to an amicable solution with your neighbours x

By deliberate, I mean that the throwing and kicking is a diagnosed stimming behaviour. As such, he's got pretty strong through practise. The stimming allows him to sf regulate and unfortunately happens completely randomly. I don't allow him to deliberately throw anything over, usually it happens because he has no awareness of how far to kick an item to keep it within our garden so it accidentally goes over. I always take him in when this happens.

Don't send flowers/sweets or an apologetic note, you do know anyone an apology for your son's existence and neither does he.

You can't attach things to their fence as it belongs to them however you can put up your own fence, higher than theirs (check with council about what the maximum allowed height is).

Would he use a tethered ball like swing ball or a tennis ball with a string drilled through the centre and then tied to the clothes line so he can throw it and it won't go any further than the string allows?

Every time they pop a ball, make a note. Every time they make an arsey comment or send their sons around to intimidate you, make a note. Tell them you will bring a harassment complaint if it doesn't stop.

You're trying to mitigate his behaviour, you've offered to alter the fence at your own expense, you've explained the situation. They are arseholes.

Hmm I do sympathise as someone who also has a child with autism but honestly this would stress me out as well. We gave extremely loud neighbours who scream and shout all day in their garden and dd won’t go in the garden at all if they are out (which they have been every day since lock down) I can’t even open the garden door or Windows as the noise stresses her out too much so I wouldn’t be impressed with things being thrown over constantly and I wouldn’t be throwing them back. I think you have to find a way to stop it and if I was you I would put up a larger fence in your garden

I hate the bursting balls brigade. Tell the if they do it again you will be reporting them for criminal damage. People like this think they are above the law.

this makes me so sad that I feel like crying but I agree with justonecottonpickingminute.

Lots of positive advice here which I'm sure already includes

• double-checking on the "freer" rules that apply for autistic children
• writing to the neighbours but it must be super-diplomatic - get someone quite "cold" to check it whatever you do - do a gratitude sandwich if you can

It's like a bloody war having a child with SN and you have to fight just when you are weakest and smile while you do it

I wonder if there is a kind of tether you can get that pegs into the ground for balls?

Also I’m thinking you could get one of those cat type nets that goes over the top of the garden. They have them in leisure centres as well to stop the balls hitting the ceiling.

Apologies, it's on local BBC news, SouthEast Today, if you are able to watch that.

Ah sounds really tough OP but like you are doing an excellent job of providing the routine etc that he needs. I do think though that a net is fair (as long as it's not attached to their fence and is within your boundaries it's fine). My brother has complex MH issues and one of his coping mechanisms is gardening, next doors balls completely wreck it and it's hard for him to deal with. He did offer to extend his fence though, we have also had balls fly over that have knocked my toddler over onto the concrete; if you say he can hit one over the house some of them are likely going over with some force. It's wrong that they are popping them of course, but it's probably not pleasant either, I know he can't help it and you are doing what you can, but especially at the moment where we are stuck home, something keep coming into your space in the garden must be annoying. The noise though they need to find a way to deal with, it's not fair that you feel you have to stay indoors all day, but again, perhaps if there are things be can do inside maybe break the day up a bit?

Can the school really say no if he has an EHCP or can they just offer you a place somewhere else? (which obviously may not be practical).

If he has an ehcp the local authority should be helping with provision

In an ideal world, but in reality mainstream schools are allowing children with EHC plans but special schools - where every pupil has an EHC - are only allowing keyworker children. Local Authorities have been told to just "do their best" and EHC laws have been temporarily relaxed.

A couple of ideas, could you do as another poster suggested and put pots of tall bamboo next to the fence to stop balls going over and then the second idea may be a bit bonkers but could you put up a second fence somewhere in the garden where he could throw balls over but they would still land in your garden, that way he could still do the behaviour but you won't lose any balls.

Jesus if anyone needed naming and shaming on FB, it's those fuckers.

I'd be reporting the bursting of balls to the pco and the Sons coming round. Then go with the one of the ideas for something on your side.

The cow woman next door does the same with footballs. Not illegal, they are in her garden and she can do what she likes once on her property.

Dont change your behaviour OP, THEY have to get used to it. Tough. They have the choice of staying, or moving to the far side of miseryland if they dont like living next to children.

I agree it must be annoying, but you havent chosen your situation neither has your son. They on the other hand, have a choice.

Maybe only play with balls when out in open space? I feel sorry for you, but if I was your neighbour I would feel on edge sat in my garden that something was going to come over and hit me on the head! I wouldn’t allow my children to play out whilst your child was out either for the same worry. I think the nets other posters have suggested are a good idea, or a swing ball?

Popping the balls and sending their adult sons round to a single mum with a SEN child leads me to believe they probably aren't very nice people and you'll struggle to reason with them.

I would definitely look into getting a net a few inches away from the fence on your side, to try and stop some of it, and maybe a net with a roof for your trampoline? Also if the balls going into the air is the sensory hit he needs, could you find a big field or something and go and let him throw the balls around there? Find a time of day where it's likely to be quiet.

Hope you're ok, this lockdown can't be easy on you or your son, and whilst I can imagine it's not ideal for your neighbors a bit of leniency from them wouldn't be too much to ask