What 3 things has mumsnet taught you about life?

[Pika09]

What 3 things has mumsnet taught you about life?

(Lighthearted obviously)

1. Never answer the phone if it's a number that you don't recognise or is withheld.

1. Never answer the door if somebody hasn't pre-booked an appointment and definitely not after 7pm, even if it is somebody like the police (see 1.)

1. Under no circumstances must you communicate with your neighbours except by passive aggressive notes about their legal parking.

Anyone got any others?

1. If you own a toilet brush you're an absolute slattern who lives in a germ ridden hovel
2. Cordial/squash/similar is only for small children. Adults should NEVER drink it.
3. If you think your family should at least say "happy birthday" in passing to you on your birthday, you're childish and high maintenance.

(a bonus one: a surprising number of people on here don't agree with IVF)

• your badly behaved DC is always because of undiagnosed ASD or ADHD and is never your poor parenting.

• contraception failures are so common place that you wonder why anyone bothers with it and it's never the woman's fault.

• If someone says LTB it's always the first time they've advised it.

• If someone responds with it's always the first time they've responded with one.

• That cars will spontaneously explode with your children in it if left unattended even for a second. Same goes for the appliances left on in your house whilst you're out.

-If your dh is acting odd in anyway he's either clinically depressed or having an affair.

That it's not normal to only clean your house once every ten days or so.

That while I strongly dislike cleaning, I dislike living in a dirty house even more, and so I must do actual housework pretty much every day (which I will probably never get used to as it's not something I grew up with)

The reason why I Iiked playing in my granny's house so much as a child was probably mostly to with the fact that it was actually clean.

Both of my parents are scruffy but my df is filthy. Neat and tidy. A place for everything and everything in its place, but also all covered in a thick layer of dust and cigarette smoke.

There are some serious snobs out there.

If you are a parent, someone, somewhere, will definitely think you are doing it wrong.

• Any expectation of inheriting from your own parents it's obviously completely selfish and unreasonable. No one on Mumsnet is going to inherit anything and is not bothered if it all goes to the local cat sanctuary, or indeed put on a bonfire and burned in front of them.

@TacosTuesday

Brilliant! What a perceptive and accurate summary of the AIBU mentality!

1. £100k a year is a low salary.

Yet...

1. Practically no one on MN has their retirement pension/savings sorted and if you're one of the few who have then you're a smug bitch.
2. Landlords are the only service in the country that shouldn't receive any profit because by providing people with a home, they are of course evil.
3. Whatever is happening house prices are about to hit rock bottom.

1. That an astonishing number of people believe that an income in the top 5% does not make you well off.

1. That an astonishing number of people who argue passionately and eloquently for sexual equality and women's right to make their own choices will also insist that women don't actually have the right to make choices they disapprove of and will insist that when we do so, it's because we don't understand what we are doing. And they never see the irony of that.

1. Men who want sex are selfish, lazy, abusive bastards who are being unreasonable to their poor wives for even thinking about it.

1. Men who do not want sex are having an affair.

1. That even when poor OPs put lighthearted at the top of the post, unreasonable dickheads like me make responses like this.

1. That all salads are HUGE and all chillis are MASSIVE

1. That fully functioning adults use words like mean, horrid and yum/yummy

1. That many people can't imagine a way of life that's not identical to theirs

• Father Christmas is real and this fact may not be disputed.
• Always say "thank you" when you encounter another person.
• Wash your legs with soap before you go swimming or people in the queue for the flume will be gagging from the smell.

If a woman lies about contraception or has a contraceptive ‘failure’ (), it’s the man’s fault.
Why did they not have a plan B or plan C?! You have to wear a condom if you’re not madly in love even if the woman you’re sleeping with claims to be on contraception! If you’re annoyed about this then you hate women.

1. There isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved if you insert the word 'Just' in front of it e.g.

Just LTB Just ask for a pay rise Just get another job Just get a cleaner Just hire a nanny

1. There's a baffling amount of interest in other people's personal hygiene habits e.g.

Do you wear knickers in bed? Do you flush the toilet during the night? Why on earth does anyone need to know?

1. Mumsnetters' experiences on FB confirm that I was right not to join it.

A clear blue test has to be voted on by 100 mumsnetters and put under an industrial strength microscope before you can tell the result.

Anyone aged 60 or over is entitled, rude, hopeless, smug or sitting pretty at everyone else's expense. Or combinations of these.
Annoying or unusual incidents can be “reported”. Don't know who to.
Loo brushes are the work of the devil.
But there's a special thread for exulting in being gross.
You can't talk about biological sex.
People haven't got basic reading and comprehension skills.

@Viviennemary lol that is funny, yes in the old days we just looked at them with our.... eyes 🧐

Mostly how much washing other people do.

1. Forgot to bring the washing in ? LTB immediately or start getting your ducks in a row.

1. If you have a tattoo, you’ve ruined your life and career and people will move their kids away from you in the street.

1. If you have a loo brush, you should burn your house down immediately.

• that Balonz is a name.

• that snapping and farting is a thing.

• that a frightening number of women have partners who secretly film them. ☹️

*That asking ”did you mean to be so rude?” with a tilted head and a tinkly laugh after is THE MOST witty and effective response to knobbish behaviour and will instantly reprimand the knob and have them scurrying away with their tail between their legs whilst mentally evaluating their poor behaviour and swearing to never be knobbish again

I think if I were to say that where I live, the response would be ‘yes, now fuck off!’*

Fucking love this 😂

• If you dare suggest that McDonald’s isn’t the healthiest option for a child and maybe parents shouldn’t be drumming into kids that it’s the ultimate treat - you are a snob

• No matter what happens house prices will never, ever drop or crash

• Every parent over the age of 50 should stop spending any money as it is basically their kids inheritance already and then enjoying even a penny of it is basically stealing from your own children

Another...

•If your child struggles academically then they must have some undiagnosed disability, there’s no way anyone on mumsnet could have produced a child who just isn’t that academic.

All men are sexist, cheating, controlling cockwombles.

All MIL's are the spawn of the devil

All trans-people are rapists

All dog owners are the scum of the earth

Everyone is anxious or immune-compromised and terrified of chicken pox.

However, that is slightly flippant of me, and actually I've learnt a lot, especially about things like hidden disabilities and also certain feminist subjects.

Some people think you should stand in a queue at a counter and then look for a table when you have your food, rather than reserving a table for yourself first in a self-service cafe (not exactly a burning issue currently!)

How would you reserve the table though?

You park one of your companions or a coat on the table and then go up to queue and order, leaving people who already have their food nowhere to sit and eat, which they could be getting on with while you're waiting in the queue.

How would you reserve the table though?

Have you never sent the kids to get the least table in McDonald’s whole you order?

Or am I just common? Haha