What 3 things has mumsnet taught you about life?

[Pika09]

What 3 things has mumsnet taught you about life?

(Lighthearted obviously)

1. Never answer the phone if it's a number that you don't recognise or is withheld.

1. Never answer the door if somebody hasn't pre-booked an appointment and definitely not after 7pm, even if it is somebody like the police (see 1.)

1. Under no circumstances must you communicate with your neighbours except by passive aggressive notes about their legal parking.

Anyone got any others?

[Thepigeonsarecoming]

1. If you hear someone ask for a finger up the bum, it’s probably not a hedgehog
   
   
2. Some people are just cuntwaffles, you can’t help them
   
   
3. Wait did I forget to tell you about my detached house and 4 million acre garden??? Hence people lie!! 😂

[YouAndMeAndTheDevilMakesThree]

That germs have wings/jet packs and can travel around your house completely unaided if you don't bleach everything twice daily.

That despite living in a very middle class area there's a whole set of MN baby names I've literally never seen used in RL (Ottilie, Wren, Arlo etc)

That baby led weaning is The Right Way to introduce solids to your child and if you deviate from 'just give them some of what you're having' then you're doing it all wrong.

[trezher]

That everyone is going through something no matter how "perfect" there lives may seem.

Most men are wolves in sheep's clothing.

Some people are going through the very same situation as you, and you don't even know it.

[Amanduh]

Your husband is a dick and gaslighting you always. Everything he does is gaslighting. In the same way males are 99.9% in the wrong, even if an issue is EXACTLY THE SAME as a woman who has posted the same thing and got sympathy; the man is BU. Ditto if a man spends time with his family or objects to something he is pathetic mummy’s boy who needs to cut the apron strings.

Blame everything on Tories.

Your newborn must live in a bubble, especially if MIL wants to visit. Nobody should ever talk to you or GOD FORBID TOUCH YOUR BABY’S HAND in the supermarket or on the bus without your permission.

[heylittlehenwhenwhenwhen]

Apologies @JimmyTheWeed

Hopefully the right person saw it and Johnny the Fox won't come and bite this little hen so that I can remain live and dangerous.

Another thing I have learned is that someone will always come along and derail the thread with irrelevant nonsense

[slipperywhensparticus]

Pineapples dont grow on trees

[Sertchgi123]

1. Every DH has a secret phone
   

1. A chicken can make meals for at least two weeks
   

1. If you want a dog YOU MUST GET A RESCUE, preferably a greyhound and all cockerpoos are nuts.

[Paulolina]

That we're in a political echo chamber like the US

You should go see a solicitor if your husband's disagrees with you about anything to 'get your ducks in a row'

Log absolutely anything with the police

Everyone is hard and will confront anyone about anything until they have their own problems

Don't come here for advise about your relationship you'll end up single

[beeinmygarden]

Don't come here for advise about your relationship you'll end up single



Some of these are just brilliant.

[OneInEight]

The main purpose of your garden is to provide privacy and solitude for your neighbours. You must never allow your children to play and make noise in your garden in case they interfere with this.

[chocolatemademefat]

That when money is short and you can’t feed your kids the answer is - a spa day!
That badly behaved kids should never be told to behave because they may have SN

[Sertchgi123]

Oh and

1. All MILs are controlling, vile human beings and you must go NC with them immediately, unconditionally and permanently.

[beeinmygarden]

The main purpose of your garden is to provide privacy and solitude for your neighbours. You must never allow your children to play and make noise in your garden in case they interfere with this

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Allowing any poor desperate tradesman to use your loo is disgusting, you’ll have to fumigate the whole house afterwards.

It’s revolting to use the same towel as your dh, since it will have his dead skin cells on it.

If you don’t wipe down your skirting boards with Dettol every day, you are a slut.

All children must wear clean pyjamas every night.

Dogs are the filthy work of Satan and should never be allowed within a (sanitised) 100 foot barge pole of your home or your super-clean little family.

[BarbaraofSeville]

That anyone who uses a toilet outside their own home is 'disgusting' or must have medical issues, because otherwise you just wait until you get home.

The answer to DHs or teenagers that hoover up all the snack food or even ingredients for family meals the day it enters the house is to 'just buy more' because not wanting people to eat six bags of crisps a day, or needing to stick to an affordable budget is 'controlling' or 'being mean with food and an attempt to starve the poor man in his own home'.

No-one is ever selfish or fussy, because they will only eat at the blandest restaurant in town, they have 'sensory issues' and must be accommodated without question.

Rules for eating out: You must always tip, even if the service and food is diabolical. If you cannot afford to do this, you shouldn't eat out.

You must always agree to split the bill even when you can't afford to. You must not only order one main course and a soft drink, even if that is more than enough food for you and you don't normally drink alcohol anyway. To not have three courses, wines and cocktails is 'being miserable', 'spoiling the atmosphere' and 'not joining in'. If you can't afford to order food that you don't want, simply to be sociable, you should not eat out.

You must never ask to share a pudding or side, even with close friendsb or even your partner. Even if you only want about 3 chips, or a tiny taste, you should order your own.

[ravenmum]

• That the past tense of "to text" is "text". He text, I text, we all text.

[crispysausagerolls]

@heylittlehenwhenwhenwhen

I did see it! Thank you! I apparently can’t count to three OR read basic English

[crispysausagerolls]

if the van driver has the temerity to knock on your door when your baby is having its afternoon nap he should be reported to the noise abatement department at your local council

I once went mental at my dpd Man because he kept knocking and knocking when I was finally asleep with my baby. Got out of bed all bedraggled and sleep deprived and was so angry. Now he is my favourite dpd guy, we always chat for 10-15 mins and I think that my little
Verbal attack/profuse apology the next day after some sleep, really helped us to bond 😁😆🤷🏻‍♀️

[Giganticshark]

How to mumsnet the fuck of out of a chicken

[MrsDoylesTeaBags]

1, Hugo is short for Hugoglencoco.

2, We're all Angela Hernandez really aren't we?

3, Never buy a velvet or sequin jacket.

[heylittlehenwhenwhenwhen]

@crispysausagerolls

Don't worry - neither did I

[JimmyTheWeed]

heylittlehenwhenwhenwhen

[JimmyTheWeed]

If a man gets inheritance, he should share it with his wife. If a woman gets inheritance,she should keep it all to herself.
And what is wrong with that,may I ask?!

[SerenDippitty]

That anywhere outside of London is an impoverished .

That Wales is an impoverished shithole full of small minded racists.

[Sertchgi123]

How to mumsnet the fuck of out of a chicken

Beautifully put, @Giganticshark