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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social bubble of ten or less.

287 replies

justasking111 · 03/05/2020 12:55

So young grandparents here. How do we choose who we see in this social bubble.

family 1 - OH, me and DS home from uni. = 3
family 2 DS, wife, 3 children = 5
family 3 DS, wife, 2 children plus MIL = 5

Total 13.

We are three over the limit. Am I supposed to choose between family 2 = 8 Or family 3 = 8

It really is a dilemma for me is it for others. I want to see both families so aibu?

OP posts:
Changeofname79 · 03/05/2020 19:37

@missteebee unfortunately its not about wants here though, my mum and dad are really struggling, they would like to see us and also my brother and his family but SiL would want to see her family, her siblings partners would want to see their families so it just isnt possible. In your case you would probably have to just stick to your own household and your DCs dad (presumably they are seeing him anyway as that is already allowed).

Not saying it's not shit but it just can't be allowed to get out of control until the time is right to mix further. This is why I think the government (if they decide to go for this social bubble) need to be crystal clear on the purpose and the rules.

Rosebel · 03/05/2020 20:19

But how is limiting it to 10 going to work when schools go back? Or any work place? It's been suggested schools might go back in June but if they do the social bubble just won't work.

Missteebeee · 03/05/2020 20:37

If I work as a nanny (10 other people in their home) and my daughter that lives with me also works as a nanny (5 people in their home), we have already exceeded the 10 person bubble

cardibach · 03/05/2020 20:44

People saying the Canada idea or limiting to 1 or 2 households - this still makes no sense. I live alone, so I’m exactly the sort of person this is supposed to help. I’d love to go and see my daughter, who lives with her partner, so I’d want that to be the other household. What about her partner though? He’ll want to see his mum and it seems unfair he can’t because my daughter wants to see me and I need some social contact. If he does p, though, what about his sister, who lives with her partner...you can see where this is going.
How can I see my daughter - or anyone, really - in this situation?

Changeofname79 · 03/05/2020 20:47

But surely working is different? If you are allowed to go back to work then that is unavoidable. DH is currently working in a supermarket so is with a whole load of people every day, we won't count all of them as our bubble of course, however personally we won't be taking the risk of seeing anyone else as part of our bubble as we are not willing to put anyone else at the additional risk given that DH is exposed to the virus every day he works.

TBH I was assuming the social bubble would be for the next few weeks before anything else is open just to ease some of the pressure that lockdown is having on some people. Once work places are fully open I suspect that the guidance will be slightly different with social distancing expected if seeing others as well as gatherings over a certain number banned.

Changeofname79 · 03/05/2020 20:51

@cardibach in this situation surely your daughter and partner should see you and her partners parents should see his sister. This means everyone expands their bubble slightly and also everyone has some support.

I don't understand why people wouldn't think in this way, its so selfish, I personally would want to make sure people who have no one have some company/support.

DodgyTrousers · 03/05/2020 20:51

It won't work

DH and I have tried to work it out...

Stupid idea.

Again I won't believe it until the government make an announcement .

EmpressLangClegInChair · 03/05/2020 21:00

Stupid idea.

For you, maybe. For people who live alone & don’t have family locally, who want to meet up with friends in the same situation, it sounds great.

GrimmsFairytales · 03/05/2020 21:06

How can I see my daughter - or anyone, really - in this situation?

With the Canadian version you have to agree to be each others nominated household. So you can only visit their household, and they can only visit yours.

I assume that in situations like yours, where no one can decide, then the households don't meet up.

For every situation like yours, there will be many others who benefit greatly from being able to socialise with others.

bettybattenburg · 03/05/2020 21:06

Single parents are desperate for support.

^Some* single parents are desperate for support. Others are happy without it thank you very much. Personally, and I say this as somebody who has only been out to go to work for the odd day here and there in the last 6 weeks and somebody who has a bubble of 1 then I'd prefer it to stay the way it is. I am doing absolutely everything possible to make sure our risk is as low as possible and so far it's paying off.

cardibach · 03/05/2020 21:09

Grimms I would benefit greatly from being able to socialise with others. I just don’t see how it’s practical to do so if it means my daughter’s partner can’t see his family.
Plus I’m a teacher, so since the government already think it’s ok for me to go in with key workers‘ children and no social distancing, and look likely to increase that, it seems a bit...pointless.

cardibach · 03/05/2020 21:11

Just to be clear, I’m sure he would agree, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. He’s had a bereavement in his family and been unable to attend the funeral already.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 03/05/2020 21:15

I’d love to merge with my parents but they a 1.5 hour drive away and I don’t see how we can be sure we aren’t incubating something. Even though I’m sure we’ve had it - it was so like the described symptoms even down to Ds 6 barely having anything while I and dd 11 were quite unwell, me especially. After effects of fatigue and persistent cough are just like it too.

However we are already merged to an extent with exh and his partner, who works in ICU. So I couldn’t make any kind of closed bubble with anyone else!

OgoPogo8 · 03/05/2020 21:21

I like the New Brunswick (Canada) idea but I think it's far too early to have similar in the UK.

New Brunswick hasn't had a new case of COVID in maybe a week or two now, only had 118 in total and no deaths.

I'm in another Canadian province, which has not been hit anywhere near as badly as the UK, and no news on any sort of bubble system being introduced yet.

Home42 · 03/05/2020 21:23

I normally live in an extended family group. Small village and my parents live in one house in the street, my sister and bil and their 2 kids and me and DD. We cover one another’s school runs, child care etc.. we holiday together. The whole family walks my dog. The kids sleep in whichever house the fancy in the weekend - they are 9 (autistic & adhd), 8 (deaf) and 6 (adhd). My parents are over 70, my sister has severe asthma. The kids have suffered terribly with the change of routine. If this goes on much longer we will likely move in with my parents up the road as they live semi detached to my sister and we will then declare ourselves a single household...

FoolsLemonTree · 03/05/2020 21:38

However we are already merged to an extent with exh and his partner, who works in ICU. So I couldn’t make any kind of closed bubble with anyone else!

This is the problem if it's a closed bubble, especially if it's limited to two households. So many across the country are already effectively doing this as children move between houses, and for single parents particularly they would benefit from being able to see a friend/family, but would automatically not be able to. It seems like the people it's most intended to help will be missed out. Those living alone will also be affected by other household's arrangements, unless they happen to have friends who also live alone.

I think the PPs who mentioned limiting contact over time, and making it easier to trace contact are on to something. Surely that's the point? Not keeping it within a bubble, but reducing spread. So large gatherings, and anonymous gatherings eg. the pub, are off-limits. The difference between meeting friend A (+DC) in their house and meeting at soft play/cinema/wherever is quite a big difference in terms of tracing and limiting spread.

FoolsLemonTree · 03/05/2020 21:43

Ooops posted too soon.

...If you get infected by friend A then meet friends B, C and D within the week, you may infect them but not the hundreds of people you'd infect if you were meeting in public gathering places. And you'd either stop being infectious or get symptoms and self-isolate before seeing friends E, F etc the following week.

GabsAlot · 03/05/2020 22:57

why are people gong on about this-it was the papers that started this rumour theres been nothing official whatsoever

IDSNeighbour · 03/05/2020 23:58

I think for some isolated people this would be really good for mental health purposes

But these isolated people (I am one of them so speaking from experience) aren't likely to get 'picked' by anyone.

I've hardly seen anyone face to face since lockdown started so I would absolutely love to think this means I can get out and see a few friends. But it doesn't because those friends will have families or partners families who need to be prioritised. Or if they don't, they'll pick friends with children for the sake of their own children.

Why would anyone choose to waste their whole bubble on one single adult like me? Unless you can find another single, childless adult or couple who have no local family and would place you above any other friends. Considering how small the pool of single adult households is, that is unlikely to happen for many.

It reminds me of being at school and having to write on slips of people your top 3 friends that you would like to be in a form with or a dorm with on a school trip. That sickening anxiety that nobody would put you as their number 1 and you'd be left with nobody.

This policy doesn't reassure me, it leaves me feeling even more depressed. I hope it's just rumour.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/05/2020 05:46

This will be the only time I pull the shielding card, up to now I haven't bothered and am happy to get back out to client sites for work.

It's been nice not having to "do my duty" and see people when I don't want to. So it'll be a, no I'm shielding, see you one day.

thecatsthecats · 04/05/2020 10:03

@IDSNeighbour

That's another reason why I think time-limited meet ups would be more beneficial than a number to be interpreted.

Meeting one other household socially every 7 (or ten, etc - suitable incubation period, essentially) days would mean that people would take things slowly and not pass on to multiple other households rapidly.

As I said, I know multiple people who this would fit with very well as they have no requirement to be in contact with people to work or for childcare but are suffering mentally.

Me included! My husband and I are both becoming pros at apologising for cranky behaviour due to lockdown...

Difficultcustomer · 04/05/2020 10:06

IDSNeighbour I will have exactly the same problem with I have to return the to the office. That would likely only be a day a week. Grew up many miles from where I work and have come up to be with family WFH. Otherwise I live alone and no one would prioritise me. I don’t blame them, but I can imagine it being even worse than when everyone is locked down.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/05/2020 10:15

The bubble of 10 idea really wont work.

Much better to have an allowance of, say, one meeting every 7 days with one other household. That way families and friends can see each other but in a managed way.

thecatsthecats · 04/05/2020 10:47

The other thing with the bubble is that it will be so publicly unmanageable (how do you know people are visiting the right people etc), that it will be very easy to get wrong, and near impossible to police. So the people who would flout ANY rule will be doing it anyway, and the people who would get it wrong would be mixed in.

So what effect would that have? Not great.

Whereas a rule of 'you can visit a different household seven days apart between visits' would be very easy to follow, and generate far less movement (ok, this would probably be quite pronounced on Saturdays/Sundays). It would be much more obvious if a big gathering or repeated guests were going to different places.

Rule flouters would be taken into account in this, as they are with all models.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 04/05/2020 12:47

Why would anyone choose to waste their whole bubble on one single adult like me?

But they wouldn't necessarily have to waste their whole bubble on you (unless of course each bubble is only allowed to be 2 households). A family of 4 could have one set of their parents, plus you, making 7 people. You would just see the family of 4, unless of course you know the parents and want to see them too.

If it is only 2 households then I would hope that households of more than one person would, if they don't need to see certain people for childcare/other help, choose to see the household which is most in need of human contact.