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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:
BlackHillsofDakota · 02/05/2020 17:13

I think she's over reacting but I don't see why you couldn't have taken 5 minutes out of your weekend to WhatsApp her.

majesticallyawkward · 02/05/2020 17:15

Why couldn't you just send the WhatsApp message?

SWemily · 02/05/2020 17:16

I don't understand why you couldn't have whatsapped her to ask? I'm sure you had your phone on you (emergencies for dc etc) it sounds like you was very petty.

PositiveVibez · 02/05/2020 17:16

Both unreasonable. What harm would it have done to your break if you took 30 seconds out to send her a WhatsApp 'still on for call on monday'??

Very petty.

VettiyaIruken · 02/05/2020 17:16

It would have taken ten seconds to send her a WhatsApp message.

Uygop · 02/05/2020 17:17

You're obviously not at all close. Not sure why she couldn't just say she'd message you if she wanted to cancel the call. Overreaction on her part, but there must be a background to this.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:17

I was worried that I would forget TBH! My OH and I do love our spa weekend and it is a chance to fully relax. My memory is shocking at the best of times.

OP posts:
Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:19

Hi Uygop. We're not close at all, you're correct. We used to be but not for the last decade. I can't see any reason why she could not cancel the call herself and that's no more effort than responding to a query from me about whether she was still on for the call. My guess (she's not saying) is that maybe this was some sort of test about how much I care?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 02/05/2020 17:19

A WhatsApp message takes 2s so I don’t think she was being unreasonable in expecting you to do it. You made such a mountain out of a molehill! Just apologise and then the ball is in her court

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:19

Thanks Grumpy. What do you think I should apologise for?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 02/05/2020 17:20

Why you’d have to even book a call to your sister is beyond me! My bil lives in Canada. My DJ just phones or messages him taking into account the time difference.

picklemewalnuts · 02/05/2020 17:20

I don't agree, if you are having a weekend away you want to forget all duties and responsibilities and relax. Constantly having to remind yourself to wotsapp on Saturday is going to stop you relaxing.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 02/05/2020 17:21

You aren't close of you only speak every 4 months so is it really such an issue?

Frankly I think she's being a twat, you were booked to be away for the one kid free event of the year with your hubby... I wouldn't have been messaging her either!

Dp and I try and get away at least every other time that my dd is at her dad's for the full weekend (she hasn't stayed over in the last year so not happened and I miss that time) and whilst I have. Y phone with me, everyone knows it is for emergency use only and not for anytji g that can wait until I am home.

Lougle · 02/05/2020 17:22

I can see both sides. Even if your memory is shocking, you can set an alarm.

RubieRose · 02/05/2020 17:23

If someone asked me to text them 'to check' if they were still available for a prearranged phone call, I'd just tell them to text me if they needed to cancel.

Your sister sounds like hard work.

happytoday73 · 02/05/2020 17:23

You both seem to be awkward.
You should have said would WhatsApp Saturday and made that 30 second effort.

She shouldn't be sulking about it... Especially for this long

BritWifeinUSA · 02/05/2020 17:24

I think it’s the fact that you told her, before you went away for the weekend, that you couldn’t WhatsApp her. You had already made the decision not to send the message before you’d even left the house. I’d be disappointed with that too. If you’d said “I’ll try to remember” and at least made an effort, I’m sure she would understand if on the Saturday itself you forgot.

But your excuse is quite weak. You “were worried you would forget” that your sister in Australia had just had major surgery? You thought you might forget about the first call you were due to have with her following the surgery to see how she was? How many sisters do you have? If your memory really is that bad, I think you need to make a doctors appointment.

HotDogGuy · 02/05/2020 17:24

It would have taken 10 seconds to WhatsApp her and saying you couldn’t because you were going to a spa is not a great reason. I’d be upset if my family member basically couldn’t spend less than a minute sending me a message as they were away for the weekend.
That said I would not cut anyone off for it. Unless the relationship was already strained - it may then be the final straw.

honeylulu · 02/05/2020 17:25

Why didn't she WhatsApp you on Saturday? Does she always expect you to dance to her tune?

It sounds like she expects you to do all the work of booking appointments with her and she then designs whether your efforts are sufficient to be rewarded with her attention. I wouldn't bother. What self important arse she sounds!

sonypony · 02/05/2020 17:26

I’m sure she would have been quite capable of sending you a message if she had to cancel the call. She did that anyway? So YANBU imo.

Witchofzog · 02/05/2020 17:26

This whole scheduling phone calls is just bonkers and always ends in fall outs. My not so dm was like this and it was exhausting. I understand you have different time scales to contend with but what is wrong with just calling at a reasonable hour for both of you and trying not to coincide with bed time etc? If you or your sister are busy or don't pick up then you just try again. This is how things used to work. It's only now that people just don't pick up the phone anymore.

pictish · 02/05/2020 17:27

Well I think she’s being self-important and unfriendly. What a stupid thing to fall out with a family member about.
Yanbu.

CrystalMaisie · 02/05/2020 17:27

Is she usually such hard work?

ThePlantsitter · 02/05/2020 17:27

If you want to have a relationship the pair of you need to be less sensitive over a long distance. She shouldn't blank you for your 'offence', you shouldn't be unwilling to say sorry if she's pissed off.

I suggest you just say, look, I'm sorry, I love you, let's not fall out so far away. And if she can't accept that there's not much else you can do is there.

ConnieDoodle · 02/05/2020 17:28

If someone asked me to text them 'to check' if they were still available for a prearranged phone call, I'd just tell them to text me if they needed to cancel.

This.

Texing to arrange to phone someone, agreeing a time then, Texting before you call to check the call is still on is utterly fucking bonkers.