Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 02/05/2020 17:45

Hmmm..How could she predict on the Saturday how she was going to feel on the monday? Sounds a bit off to me. Also I don't think your suggestion was particularly unreasonable. You were prepared to accept talking/not talking.

She's being difficult!!

JudyCoolibar · 02/05/2020 17:46

I was worried that I would forget TBH!

It's incredibly easy to put a reminder on your phone.

StayinginSummer · 02/05/2020 17:47

YANBU because you are not her PA. If she wanted to cancel she could contact you.

She sounds hard work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2020 17:48

"Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday."
I find your sister's request a bit odd. In her shoes, I'd have said/texted 'I'll text you beforehand if I'm not going to be up to it on Monday' - not told you to whatsapp me at a time of my choosing.

Sounds a bit like she felt you should dance to her tune. And now she's sulking because you didn't.

And I get the memory thing - I'm at the stage of walking into a room only to wonder why I did.

strawberry2017 · 02/05/2020 17:48

You sound as bad as each other tbh
Speaking to family shouldn't be so hard.
You should have sent a message but she shouldn't have cut you off for 6 months.
The situation is ridiculous

StayinginSummer · 02/05/2020 17:49

It's incredibly easy to put a reminder on your phone why would you put a reminder in to ask if someone else might or might not want to talk to you in 2 days? She’s not her slave. Why couldn’t her friend remind herself?!.

MysteryFrog · 02/05/2020 17:50

Surely she could have whatsapped you to tell you whether or not she way still up for the call without you having to ask her first?? Rather than her asking you to ask her etc

Oldraver · 02/05/2020 17:50

Sorry I think your sister is being a twat. Booking a phone call ?

I get that it doesn't take long top WhattsApp but the whole rigmarole of you having to 'book in' is frankly a tad weird and controlling

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2020 17:50

"It's incredibly easy to put a reminder on your phone."
It's also incredibly easy to forget to have your phone anywhere near you.

StayinginSummer · 02/05/2020 17:51

Honestly I can’t believe anyone would think you are being unreasonable.

The only person I remind to do things are my teenage kids. Anyone else is a fully grown adult and can remind themselves!

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:51

It's your sister just ring her. If she doesn't answer send a whatsapp saying hey call back when you're free. Surely

Hi PippaPegg, I love your nickname! It's the time difference that makes that not possible. We usually need to talk on a morning and I'm not normally free in the mornings (kids activities and work). So if I have a day off or for some other reason are free then we try and make things fit around that. When we were in the same country it was not so formal at all!

OP posts:
StayinginSummer · 02/05/2020 17:53

Surely she could have whatsapped you to tell you whether or not she way still up for the call without you having to ask her first?? Rather than her asking you to ask her etc

She could. But that would mean her remembering herself. And she’s obviously not that bothered to even remember for the OP. She’s saying she’s more important.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:53

But your excuse is quite weak. You “were worried you would forget” that your sister in Australia had just had major surgery?

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I was not going to forget about her surgery just the reminder 'are you still ok to talk in 2 days time' text.

OP posts:
imsooverthisdrama · 02/05/2020 17:53

If someone asked me to message to check ok to skype then I would but I wouldn't fall out with someone and I'd be like wtf if someone refused to speak to me for that reason .
I think your sister is nuts and has invented a reason not to speak to you . My brother did something similar.
Just let it go .

titchy · 02/05/2020 17:54

It does sound very hard work and tbh you don't sound very close if you only talk three times a year. My sil's bf is in Oz and they manage to talk every two weeks (Sat or Sun around 9am uk time in case you were wondering).

Troels · 02/05/2020 17:55

Hell, she's so special you have to book a call with her!
I lived in a different time zone, called home and they called me, if I picked up we chatted. Life is too short for this pettiness.

opticaldelusion · 02/05/2020 17:56

Mumsnet general consensus is that you need to give six years notice and a combination of texts, emails, letters and phone calls to establish the correct time to contact someone.

gavisconismyfriend · 02/05/2020 17:56

Totally understand why you wouldn’t want to disturb your weekend, the headspace that remembering requires and dealing with any fallout from the response is a perfectly good reason not to message. Presumably she would have just messaged you on the Sat to confirm/cancel the call, no real need for her to ask you to do it. Think you’re right and she’s testing you in some way or likes to exert control and is put out that you didn’t dance to her tune. If you want to continue contact, message her to say you’re there if she ever wants to get in touch and leave it up to her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2020 17:58

Have you ever had major surgery op? It sounds to me like she was wanting you to see how she was doing and you didn’t really bother. So yes, that will have been hurtful. Of course she’s overreacting. However, you were rude when telling her couldn’t find a few seconds out of your day when she’d been through what was probably quite a scary and gruelling procedure. On balance, I think you have more to apologise about than her. Do you even know if she has recovered? Recovery from major surgery can be more than 6 months. The body itself takes about 2 years.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:01

Thanks gaviscon

I sent a message to that effect a couple of months ago. It was very nicely worded and I got that checked by others in case there was any way of reading anything negative into it. I will leave it to her to get in touch if she wishes and I think she may have been looking for reasons to cut things off anyway so it's perhaps important to respect her boundaries here. Just because we're family doesn't mean she owes it to me to stay in touch with me.

OP posts:
Whatsgoingonrightnow · 02/05/2020 18:01

I don’t understand why anyone would call someone to check it’s ok to properly call them at a later date. This is why messages exist.

Cillmantain · 02/05/2020 18:03

You sound as bad as each other and your relationship is obviously not straightforward.
You could have set an alarm as a reminder to text her on Saturday.
However she over reacted completely.

TomTomRunner · 02/05/2020 18:03

She needed to feel more important than your spa weekend for whatever reason. Is she always such high maintenance?

You've tried to to contact her and she blanks you, just say you are sorry she feels that is enough of a reason to ignore you, wish her well and suggest she contact you herself if she changes her mind.

ypestis · 02/05/2020 18:03

This is silly. Since the day and time of the phone call had already been arranged it is daft to expect OP to contact her sister to say “are you still ok for tomorrow”. If it was not still ok why on earth would OP’s sister not just Whatsapp and say “sorry I can’t do tomorrow now can we rearrange”. YANBU

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:04

t does sound very hard work and tbh you don't sound very close if you only talk three times a year. My sil's bf is in Oz and they manage to talk every two weeks (Sat or Sun around 9am uk time in case you were wondering).

We're not close at all. We do both have kids and that is more challenging in terms of contact as I'm not free any morning (including weekends) until 11 am at the earliest. By which time it is too late to call there. I can't call before work as no time and so it is a real challenge. Hence if we get a bank holiday or something we (in the past anyway!) tried to capitalise on us both being potentially free and talk then. I love a lie in so don't want to set the alarm to get up, wait an hour until I'm away enough to make sense on a phone call and then call her to find she's gone out. Neither do I want her feeling that she should wait around in case I call so actually booking in a phone call a handful of times a year does seem the best solution.

OP posts: