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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:
mumwon · 02/05/2020 18:04

I really don't understand this - we have lots of overseas relatives so we work out when they are at work or not for Australia you check time difference (change of clocks!!) & if nonworker ring late evening (time dif about 9 -11 hours ahead) their am or early am our end evening ours- Why in goodness names sake do you need to book? She answers or text you to say beforehand that she is busy? (been doing this for nearly 50 years & in the bad old days when you rang some countries you really did have to book - relatives across the world dc when growing up knew which countries where behind & which were ahead from me explaining this -in a not very polite way Grin)
very strange

crimsonlake · 02/05/2020 18:07

All I can add is what a palaver over nothing and yes you could have whatsapped takes 2 seconds, stop making excuses.

ThanosSavedMe · 02/05/2020 18:07

Has your sister always been a drama queen?

Why on earth would you need to message her on a the Saturday to see if she was still up for a call on Monday. Ridiculous

Leave her to her sulk and strop. Doesn’t sound like you’re close anyway.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 18:08

mummy OP isn't in her life at that level of closeness. They speak 3 times a year. You've just invented a response level that doesn't correlate to this relationship. They'd spoken and arranged a call. Then the sister put new conditions around it.

I don't think I'd be willing to jump through hoops either.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:08

Hi mumwon - hopefully my explanation above makes sense! she is similarly busy - both families are quite young and I guess this might change as the kids get older

OP posts:
MashedPotatoBrainz · 02/05/2020 18:10

I think she needed you to show you cared as she was recovering from surgery. That you'd put yourself out the tiniest bit for her. It was test. You failed it.

ANoiseAnnoys · 02/05/2020 18:12

Sound like really hard work! I think, on balance your dsis is being childish and petty. I can understand not wanting to use your phone whilst on a rare romantic break - I would’nt want to either and requesting you message her to check a pre-arranged call is still arranged? Bonkers.

If you’re that bothered about staying in touch you could write a letter apologising but I’m not sure I could be arsed sucking up to such a drama queen tbh.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 02/05/2020 18:12

I don't see why you couldn't have messaged her (despite the spa weekend, what a lame excuse) but also don't see why she couldn't have messaged you! You are both BVU

ANoiseAnnoys · 02/05/2020 18:13

I think she needed you to show you cared as she was recovering from surgery. That you'd put yourself out the tiniest bit for her. It was test. You failed it

How self indulgent is that though?! And why the need to “test” her sister? Why couldn’t she just be content with the phone call they had already arranged? Why did she need more than that?
I bet the dsis has form for this kind of manipulative behaviour....

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:14

Have you ever had major surgery op? It sounds to me like she was wanting you to see how she was doing and you didn’t really bother. So yes, that will have been hurtful. Of course she’s overreacting. However, you were rude when telling her couldn’t find a few seconds out of your day when she’d been through what was probably quite a scary and gruelling procedure. On balance, I think you have more to apologise about than her. Do you even know if she has recovered? Recovery from major surgery can be more than 6 months. The body itself takes about 2 years.

I think there is some fairness in this criticism. I did send her a get well card and a few whatsapp messages. And we had the call booked in to see how she was doing. In reality I would have done more for people I was close to and for my friends. But my sister and I don't "look after" each other at all and it was no problem for me when I was critically ill a couple of years ago and only got this sort of contact from her. It makes sense in the context of our current relationship so I bear no ill towards her for not "caring more". I don't know if she's recovered as she has refused all contact. My guess is that my dad would have passed on info if anything was critical - I don't ask him as I'm not sure triangulating contact like that is very helpful (and we don't talk much anyway! family is very disconnected from each other). I do have contact with her eldest daughter. But she's young and I would not want to put her in the middle - hope that makes sense!

OP posts:
LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/05/2020 18:15

I think you were/are both unreasonable (unless you couldn’t WA her on the Saturday because of no phone signal?)

ChrisPrattsFace · 02/05/2020 18:15

I have a busy family and my aunt who lives in Aus and friend who lives in New Zealand both have busy families. We manage without booking?
You can’t be bothered to set an alarm and wake up early once every four months to speak to your sister because your lie in is more important?
You should have messaged. She should have messaged.
You should book and one of you should just bloody ring the other!

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:16

I bet the dsis has form for this kind of manipulative behaviour....

Spot on. She has reacted to the abusive family history by becoming extremely controlling and manipulative...according to my therapist (and I am highly self-critical and have no self worth - suspect that is the same for her really).

OP posts:
ChrisPrattsFace · 02/05/2020 18:16

You shouldn’t book**

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:17

You can’t be bothered to set an alarm and wake up early once every four months to speak to your sister because your lie in is more important?

Oh no, that's not what I meant! I will get up if we can then talk. I don't want to lose the opportunity for a lie-in and then end up not being able to talk!

OP posts:
Buggeritimgettingup · 02/05/2020 18:22

Have you been stewing over this for 5 weeks?!? She overreacted But you could’ve set an alarm.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:23

@Buggerit

Longer than that! Rumination is something I am very accomplished at though I take no pride in that! Having moved no further forward in my own head with thinking it through I thought you guys might be able to help me make sense of it! And it is good to hear what people think.

OP posts:
Flightsoffancy · 02/05/2020 18:24

She sounds like my SIL, we had something similar recently. Any tiny little infringement of her orders and everyone is in trouble for weeks. I've washed my hands of it now, it's boring and exhausting. I got so sick of donning the hair shirt. I used to do what you're doing, OP, pick over my behaviour and worry that I was a terrible person. Maybe you should have texted, maybe not, but either way it wasn't a major crime and not one that deserves this sustained punishment. When you stop caring it will be so refreshing and freeing, I promise.

saraclara · 02/05/2020 18:24

how is this even a thing? you dont 'pre call' family to see if they are ok with a call???

I message my daughters to check is convenient before I call for a chat. They have busy lives, and I don't want to call to find that they're in Tescos, or working late, or the baby had just this second gone to sleep.

If in calling for a chat I want to know that I'm not disturbing them, and that my call will be welcome rather than a mild inconvenience.

It's not formal. Just a quick 'are you around for a call?' And I'll either get 'sure!' or 'just about to eat/put the baby down/sorry, in Tesco at the min, shall I call you when I'm done?'

RightOnTheEdge · 02/05/2020 18:26

It's a daft reason to fall out with you. I mean it would have taken you seconds out of your weekend to message her but
why did she request that you message her on Saturday? Why not say I'll message you and let you know if I'm not up to it?
How would she know on Saturday how she'd feel on Monday.

To stop contacting you over this is pathetic.

diddl · 02/05/2020 18:29

Neither of you seem bothered to make a slight adjustment.

Neither of you can call because....

I mean you couldn't get up a few minutes early or she stay up a bit late?

You're absolutely booked until 11am every single day of the week?

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:31

You're absolutely booked until 11am every single day of the week?

In the week I am at work. At the weekends kids have activities in the mornings and are not old enough to get up/ there etc. without me.

OP posts:
ANoiseAnnoys · 02/05/2020 18:33

Listen to flightsoffancy OP - if your dsis cared about you she would’ve answered your calls and got over it. Instead she’s trying to punish you and make you, what? Grovel? Cry?

i don't know if she's recovered as she has refused all contact - so childish - she seems like the kind of person who enjoys being angry with others. My sil’s family are like this - always at odds with one another over something.

I’d just leave it personally, it doesn’t sound like you get much out of the relationship anyway but are staying in contact from a sense of duty maybe to your parents?

diddl · 02/05/2020 18:37

" At the weekends kids have activities in the mornings and are not old enough to get up/ there etc. without me."

Could your husband not help so that you would have time?

I guess this is why the "making an appointment" has come about then as things have to be adjusted.

Perhaps she saw you not being able to check on the Sat as not being bothered about whether or not you spoke to her on the Mon?

I suppose for a lot of us it's hard to imagine a weekend away with husband meaning that a text of "still on for Mon?" can't be sent.

I think she has taken rather too much umbrage though!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2020 18:37

I’ve just seen your post of 18.14, where you quoted my post. As she didn’t bother about you when you were critically ill, it isn’t surprising you didn’t make more of an effort with her. Having had major surgery and needing more, I do know what it entails, which is why I said what I did - and understood you aren’t close when I said it...

In reality your sister shouldn’t be expecting more than she offered. From what you’ve said, it would appear the relationship is more one way and she expects from you without giving in return.

Now that you’ve explained more, your therapist is right. Please stop beating yourself up about it. You’ve said what you had to say. It’s good you’re in touch with her dd.