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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 02/05/2020 19:51

If I need to remember something I put a reminder in my phone. Sure your DH wouldn’t have minded you taking 10 seconds to what’s app your sister

AmayaBuzzbee · 02/05/2020 19:56

She is an idiot. If it is her deciding if the call will take place or not, then the onus is on her to let you know.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 20:01

In this situation why bother with phone calls at all? Just whatsapp. I can't remember the last time I spoke to my sister on the phone. I whatsapp quite regularly though. Suits us both and no need to pre-book.

how do you manage any depth in the interactions via text messages? genuine question - not meant to be insulting or offensive. I've just never had any real depth in conversations that way. It works well for arranging things, sharing photos and snippets of info but not a proper chat. Or is that just me?

OP posts:
Gettingo · 02/05/2020 20:02

It seems very uncaring to refuse to send one message in a whole day because it might interfere with your spa experience! Maybe she has just realized that the relationship is not really worth the effort of sustaining it. I don't understand the reason for the messaging and booking of phone calls, but it seems as though you wouldn't talk at all without it.

EwwSprouts · 02/05/2020 20:03

There was an agreement to speak on the Monday. Who messages to say Watsapp me on Sat to see if want to talk on Monday? Sister would either be well enough to answer or not on the Monday and could put phone on silent if not. To have two conversations over whether to have a conversation later seems seriously high maintenance.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 20:04

getting it's equally uncaring to demand a message on Saturday just to find out if she still wants to talk on Monday.

Utterly weird.

YetiAnotherNameChange · 02/05/2020 20:04

She is unreasonable. She could have just as easily messaged you to say she wasn't up for it, even up to 5 minutes before the chat.

Gettingo · 02/05/2020 20:09

brassbrass yeah but who knows. Maybe she has to rearrange her life so she's at home and awake for the call. Maybe OP has a history of arranging a call and then forgetting it. Who knows. It is a bit weird and controlling but OP didn't object on those grounds. She objected because it might interfere with her spa experience, and she couldn't be bothered with the mental effort of remembering.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/05/2020 20:12

This is akin to someone asking YOU to remind THEM to do something!. If someone can’t make a pre arranged call/event then the onus is on them to put a reminder on their phone and text you to say they are cancelling. Not the other way round. She sounds precious!

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 20:13

Hi Gettinggo

My sister has let me down with calls in the past. I.e. I say not to things I could be doing with friends on my day off then call her as arranged and she's not there/ doesn't answer. I've never let her down in this way. To be fair though, after a few times of this I did say this was a problem for me and she did apologise. We arranged the call on the Monday for a mutually convenient time.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 02/05/2020 20:15

No getting there is no maybes. If she couldn't make the call on Monday then at the point she realised that is when she should have messaged her sister.

There is no jumping through hoops scenario two days before.

heartsonacake · 02/05/2020 20:17

YABU. It takes two seconds to send a whatsapp, there’s no excuse for not doing so; if your memory is really that bad you could have set a reminder on your phone.

I think you should apologise for being rude and uncaring.

AriadnesFilament · 02/05/2020 20:24

Honestly, after she’s has major surgery I really don’t see why you couldn’t take 30 seconds to whatsapp her and double check the arrangements. I do think you were quite unreasonable.

Sussexroyalewithcheese · 02/05/2020 20:25

I sort of get why the sister got the hump, if they viewed it as a test of how much the OP cared, but what they asked and how they reacted is unreasonable - and I suspect if it wasn't this then they'd have set some other bar for the OP to fail to reach...

Mary46 · 02/05/2020 20:32

She prob did over react. Maybe give her bit space if emotions are high. I have sisters they can be hard work!

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 20:34

Ariadne have you read the thread? But my sister and I don't "look after" each other at all and it was no problem for me when I was critically ill a couple of years ago and only got this sort of contact from her. It makes sense in the context of our current relationship so I bear no ill towards her for not "caring more"

Why is it one rule for OP but another for the sister?

ScarletFever · 02/05/2020 20:42

@saraclara
how is this even a thing? you dont 'pre call' family to see if they are ok with a call???

I message my daughters to check is convenient before I call for a chat. They have busy lives, and I don't want to call to find that they're in Tescos, or working late, or the baby had just this second gone to sleep.

Massively different though, OP sister wanted her to message 2 days before an already agreed call to see if sister was up to a call on the Monday? Yours is considerate, and caring, and is a quick check to make sure you are not bothering them, in the next few minutes, not 2 days in advance on an already arranged call.

@Aridane
WTAF - can’t be bothered to send a WhatsApp message? YABU

Why should OP send a message to ask if it still ok to have a call on Monday?

  1. A call has been arranged for Monday
  2. Op is away for the weekend
  3. Sister asked OP to whatsapp to see if sister is up for a call on Monday

A grown up would have said, " i'll message you on saturday or sunday if i think i am not going to be up for a call on Monday"

WHY OH WHY do you need to contact her 2 days before an agreed call to see if she is going to be ok for it?????

BackforGood · 02/05/2020 20:45

how do you manage any depth in the interactions via text messages? genuine question - not meant to be insulting or offensive. I've just never had any real depth in conversations that way. It works well for arranging things, sharing photos and snippets of info but not a proper chat.

You just send a WhatsApp when you think of something you want to say, or to tell her, or share with her. At a convenient time she then replies. If you happen to find yourself in the same conversation at the same time, then you say "hold on, I'll call you" (or she does), or, alternatively, if you feel you want to hear her voice (again, seems unlikely, given your poor relationship), or if you want to share some bad news or something, then you can say "I need to speak to you, can I call you tonight / in the morning (as suits)?" , but, overwhelmingly, you can keep chatting, and then arrange, with a bit more spontaneity when you want to actually chat.

EverythingChanges321 · 02/05/2020 20:48

I live abroad and usually message my family members to arrange a chat. It’s just what we’ve always done?

Even with friends I call, I always start the conversation with ‘is this a good time to call?’

OP, your sister is being ridiculous In wanting you to grovel and I’d keep her at a distance for now. You’ve been reasonable but she’s not willing to meet you half way.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 20:50

Ah OK, I get it backforgood. It sounds like whatsapp for the small stuff and talking for more meaty stuff. Not just entirely whatsapp.

I prefer as little written contact with my sister as possible as her worst aggression is invariably in the written form so I tend to keep whatsapp contact quite low and short so there's less for her to take offence at.

OP posts:
Gettingo · 02/05/2020 20:51

In Australian time, the sister would have got the text on Sunday morning and then made the call Sunday night. She's recovering from surgery and she's got small children, so it does take a bit of arranging to make sure she's awake in the evening, maybe an afternoon nap or something. Maybe that's why?

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 02/05/2020 20:53

I have family in SE Asia .

We have all had kids.

It depends how much you really Want to talk to them. I have called whilst having a wee before now. The 'I have small DC doesn't cut it.. it's bullshit. If you want to then you make it happen. You get your DP to have the kids or plonk them in front of a tv... go to the loo.. get in the shower.. pop to the shops.

Equally she can do the same.

Sounds like competitive 'business' to me. Which equals neither of you can be really arsed.

My 2 DD are 24 and 18. They make time for each other NO MATTER WHAT .

Aridane · 02/05/2020 20:54

@brassbrass - yes - have RTFT 🥱- just take a different view to you

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2020 20:54

If she’s aggressive, why are you bothering with her? You are not a punch bag. When are you next seeing your therapist? I think talking this through would be good. I am nc with my sibling btw. Not saying this is something you should do. Just that it is one of your options.

Gettingo · 02/05/2020 20:56

OP, sorry to keep posting. This is my last one. I just wanted to say that I had a problem with my sister bullying me for years, but then I tried a policy of calling her out on it every single time. It made things much worse for a bit. She was furious. But after six months or so she completely changed and now is much, much nicer and we get on so much better. So I don't know if that makes sense for you.