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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:

Babyboomtastic · 04/05/2020 17:33

it feels like you come up with obstacles with every suggestion -cyou say you can't phone at weekends because you are driving children about - well why not call on hands free when in the car, or on your mobile on speaker, for example. You are incredibly fixed in how you want to communicate, and it's frustrating to read. If your sister is the same, then it's no wonder you both struggle with your relationship. Both of you are unreasonably flexible here.

Original poster

surprisinglyordinary · 04/05/2020 17:46

well why not call on hands free when in the car, or on your mobile on speaker, for example.

I'm not into tech so genuine question. Can you make whatsapp calls over speaker phone then? I have managed to get my car set up to do that with normal voice calls but didn't know you could do that with whatsapp. How do you set that up? It would need to be voice activated to call - is that possible too?

OP posts:

Chiyo666 · 04/05/2020 17:50

Just dial her before you drive off...

Onlymewhereareyou · 04/05/2020 17:58

Give up, the pair of you are such high drama, you can't remember, can't work out WhatsApp calls (easily Googled)!

Drama obviously runs in your family.

missyB1 · 04/05/2020 18:05

She sounds like seriously hard work. Leave her to it. Chuck this problem in the Fuck It bucket!

Original poster

surprisinglyordinary · 04/05/2020 19:53

Give up, the pair of you are such high drama, you can't remember, can't work out WhatsApp calls (easily Googled)!

I did not grow up with any technology (am old!) and am about as disinterested in it as you can get. I have googled - makes no sense to me! I didn't even know this was possible which is often the way for people who don't care about technology. Most of the stuff out there is meaningless time-filling sh*t, but occasionally we miss something which may actually be of use to us!

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I'm going to leave this thread now as I think you have all given me plenty to think about. I'm surprised that so many people think that I should cancel my kids activities in order to speak to her at the weekends, but I guess that's why I came on here! (to find out whether others see things quite differently to me). I will give thought to that if my sister ever does want more contact.

In terms of the actual question I asked, again I'm surprised that 4 in 10 people think that I should have just done what she asked even if there was a cost to me (small in some people's minds, slightly bigger in my mind but clearly not massive) and no clear benefit to her (other than perhaps as some people have suggested, showing her that I care). I am left wondering whether those 4 in 10 think I should always do what she asks, or whether her op was relevant in the answers. But I didn't word the question well enough to get that level of nuance in the answer so my fault there!

Someone asked a while back about our mum BTW. She died a few years ago. She was multiply sexually abused by family members over most of her childhood. She did pretty well in life considering her start but was emotionally unpredictable and all over the place as a mother. I'm absolutely sure that our poor start in life makes it harder to handle things that others brush off. Some people want to shame me for that on occasion, but therapy has helped me see that life is more complicated than others sometimes see (or want to see). My feeling confused about this interaction is not shameful and not something to hide. Thank you all.

OP posts:

Onlymewhereareyou · 04/05/2020 20:27

I did not grow up with any technology (am old!) and am about as disinterested in it as you can get. I have googled - makes no sense to me! I didn't even know this was possible which is often the way for people who don't care about technology. Most of the stuff out there is meaningless time-filling sht, but occasionally we miss something which may actually be of use to us!*

Ok OP, you've left ... but I too am old, and you think it's shit, doesn't mean you're relight!

I think it's shit (look I can actually say the word, like an adult) not to be in touch with social media!

Onlymewhereareyou · 04/05/2020 20:28

*you're right

Onlymewhereareyou · 04/05/2020 20:31

*Social media or technology!

Babyboomtastic · 04/05/2020 21:13

You keep stressing that you have young kids. You can't be THAT old then...

JustOneMoreStep · 04/05/2020 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/05/2020 11:18

Honestly op, my parents are in their 80s, certainly not new adopters of technology but even they have worked out how to video chat with their grandchildren via WhatsApp during this pandemic.

To quickly answer your questions - my opinion was based solely on the scenario mentioned in your op. Yes, the operation made the difference here. I don't think you should repeatedly cancel your children's activities but I find it really strange that you couldn't do that just once after your sister had a major operation. And, no, you shouldn't have to pander to her all of the time, but on this one occasion? Yes, I think you were unreasonable.

brassbrass · 05/05/2020 12:03

I wouldn't make a WhatsApp call from my car. It would have to use my data allowance rather than wifi and no idea how expensive that would be to Australia.

OP wasn't given the same consideration when she had been critically ill by the sister so not sure why she was expected to do more when the sister had her operation.

AldiAisleOfCrap · 05/05/2020 12:07

I wouldn't make a WhatsApp call from my car. It would have to use my data allowance rather than wifi and no idea how expensive that would be to Australia.
It would cost the same as if you calling your friend two streets away! You are just connected to the internet it’s not a phone call.

brassbrass · 05/05/2020 12:09

Do you have WiFi in your car while driving? I don't.

SharonasCorona · 05/05/2020 12:24

I can't believe this thread. OP, YANBU at all You've done nothing wrong.

Maybe you need to have a sister like to understand. My sister once called me on my birthday and asked me what I had planned for her and her kids. FOR MY BIRTHDAY!

I'm so glad you've ignored her, it sounds like NC is the best option here. It's a blessing she's so far away, manipulative weirdo that she is.

understandme · 05/05/2020 14:12

@brassbrass no but I have loads of data!

brassbrass · 05/05/2020 14:54

Have you name changed?

It depends on your package I guess. I tend to do most things through WiFi and only dip into my data allowance when I have to when no WiFi available.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 06/05/2020 11:40

What I don't understand is how your DS would know two days before hand whether she would be feeling up to the call on Monday? Having said that, I do think it is about the point that you wouldn't take a minute or two to WhatsApp her on your special W/End away, which has made her feel less important to you than a mini break with someone you already live with; whereas if you made that effort she would have felt more loved because you went "out of your way" for her. I know that it was an annoyance to have to break into you and your DP's 'alone' time, but because of her operation I do think that YABU, and you do owe her an apology.

Babyboomtastic · 06/05/2020 12:15

I think the crux of it is that if either of you really cared, you'd make time. Most people with children work. Most kids have activities they go to. Most people find a way to keep in touch with relatives without all this palava. One of you wakes up early, or one of you stays up late. You speak in the car. You take advantage of a quiet moment where you have 10 minutes spare. Not to mention kids are on school holidays a lot (and obviously now not in at all now, and no activities for the last nearly 2 months). If you wanted to get the technology to work, you could.

It's a lot priority. That's ok. but it's silly to pretend like you can't speak, when it's more the case that neither of you are willing to make the time.

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