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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:42

In reality your sister shouldn’t be expecting more than she offered. From what you’ve said, it would appear the relationship is more one way and she expects from you without giving in return.

Spot on I think. A few years ago she said she did not feel supported. I said it would be good (and I meant it!) to get to a place where we both felt supported. I'm not sure she could really understand that. She is highly self-centred but we do come from an emotionally abusive family so I think this is potentially trauma rather than psychopathy. Thing is, the more aggressive she is to me (verbally so but hard core sometimes), the more I cut off from her.

Thank you for taking the time to follow up with your comments. I appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness with sharing how they are making sense of this mountain made out of a molehill!

OP posts:
Veterinari · 02/05/2020 18:43

I can't believe everyone is defending this batshit behaviour. Like it's totally justifiable not to speak to your sibling for 6 months (!!!) because they weren't able to WhatsApp you prior to a phone all that you were able to ignore.

OP your sister is a controlling weirdo - why does she get to dictate and control your communication and punish you for not towing the line? It's essentially emotional abuse and it's nuts that PP think this is ok

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 18:43

I still don't get why any relationship would be worthy of having to message 2 days before to ask 'are you still ok to talk to me on Monday?'

This is utterly ridiculous

If it's prearranged why wouldn't the party whose availability has changed, contact the other and let them know to rearrange?

Aridane · 02/05/2020 18:44

WTAF - can’t be bothered to send a WhatsApp message? YABU

MadinMarch · 02/05/2020 18:45

Personally, I'd have already been upset with you for waiting for two weeks to speak to be after I'd had fairly major surgery. She was home in three days and unless the surgery was to remove her tongue she would have been perfectly able to converse with you. It's about you showing some interest, empathy and concern for her.
You sound very petty for not agreeing to the wattsapp message. You saying you may forgot to do it is evidence that she is such a low priority for you that you couldn't even be bothered to set yourself a reminder. both actions would have taken 30 seconds each.
She's probably thinking that it's not worth continueing this very low level relationship. Maybe you should ask yourself the same thing.
Is there more of a backstory to this?

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 18:48

Personally, I'd have already been upset with you for waiting for two weeks to speak

Jeez RTFT. They had agreed on the two weeks. It was prearranged before she had the op. The sister knew when they were due to speak.

Italia2005 · 02/05/2020 18:50

I’m with you, OP. When you explained you would be away she should have understood and instead say that she'd send YOU a WhatsApp which you could read when you got back home (to let you know if she’d be up to that call or not)
It sounds a flimsy excuse for her to hold such a grudge for so many months and whatever the story behind it, I don’t think you are being the unreasonable one here. Life’s too short for these petty squabbles and sulks once you’ve passed your teen years and she’s clearly ignoring your attempts to make amends by refusing further explanation. I think you should give up for the time being and only communicate for birthdays etc. until she gets back in touch.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:51

You sound very petty for not agreeing to the wattsapp message. You saying you may forgot to do it is evidence that she is such a low priority for you that you couldn't even be bothered to set yourself a reminder. both actions would have taken 30 seconds each.

To be fair I was in a spa, so did not have the phone with me and I'm not attached to my phone like young people anyway (I had kids quite late and I see a massive difference in how we use our phones between people like me who didn't have one for most of our younger years and younger parents!). The phone was not with me for most of the weekend. Friends would call the hotel if needed in an emergency. other than that it was in the room and mostly we weren't.

I take your point about her being low priority and I think it's true. She is low priority for me. I guess I need to be honest with myself about that. I think she does need to be low priority because she's been so bullying in the past (inc quite recent past) but she does seem to expect her angry outbursts to have no long-term impacts so she may have felt that our relationship with other than it is and this may be a bit of a disappointment to her I guess.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 02/05/2020 18:52

What a palaver. Why on earth did such a stupid system ever start?
I can see that with the time difference, scheduling a call is sensible, but scheduling a call to see if its ok to call is just ridiculous. After all how would she know on saturday if she would feel well enough on monday.
.

violetbunny · 02/05/2020 18:59

Yep why couldn't she just have emailed or messaged you ahead of the planned call to confirm it? She sounds like hard work Confused

BackforGood · 02/05/2020 19:00

From what I'm reading, you are both being daft / weird.

With the time difference, just keep the relationship going on WhatsApp. You didn't need to wait two weeks after her operation. She didn't need you to WhatsApp two days before phoning her. You could easily have taken 20 seconds out of your weekend to do so. She is being ridiculous making the fact you didn't into a 'thing' etc etc etc.

Just message her however often you want to, and it is her choice if she wants to get into a conversation with you or not.

viewfromthecouch · 02/05/2020 19:12

I would stop chasing her for forgiveness. She has grossly over-reacted and is being beyond petty. Imagine if you'd agreed and forgotten ... which was highly likely under the circumstances. You were honest and considerate, and she's enjoying being 'right', even though she's not.

She doesn't sound very nice, tbh.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/05/2020 19:18

Frankly, if you cannot find the time to whatsapp each other even when she has been unwell, and then tell her you can’t talk as you are away but don’t offer any other time I can see why she cut you off.

She was not expecting a full day out, it is easy to extract half an hour here or there to catch up for people when you care. It is obvious that you don’t care enough not to find the time.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 02/05/2020 19:20

I'm an only child so I sometimes don't quite the strange dynamics that go on between siblings but just from reading your first post it seems like there is a hell of a lot of messed up history between the two of you and your following posts seem to confirm that.

I don't know what the answer is. I guess you have a choice of having no or minimal contact with her or both of you making the time and space to really thrash it out.

It just depends on how important the relationship is to you. I don't mean that in a glib way, I know lots of people who have gone NC with family members for their own wellbeing.

raspberryk · 02/05/2020 19:21

You both sound unreasonable to be honest. A text on whatsapp at some point beforehand to check would have been fine even on your weekend away, equally she could have rejected the call if she didn't feel up to it.
My brother lives abroad and has done for about 4 years, we don't book in calls ffs, we text/facebook and then call or videocall whenever, he's called me in the middle of the night before and it's woken me and we have spoken then as it's no big deal. I usually have my phone on silent in the night though so I would just return a missed call when convenient.

Porridgeoat · 02/05/2020 19:27

Why couldn’t your sister what’s app you on the weekend to say if she wanted to go ahead or not. Bonkers!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 02/05/2020 19:30

They had agreed on the two weeks. It was prearranged before she had the op. The sister knew when they were due to speak.

But only because op is simply unable to speak because...

I'm not sure why you are bothered about this op? You weren't bothered about keeping in touch so why does it bother you now that she doesn't want to talk to you?

Madre1972 · 02/05/2020 19:34

Personally I couldn’t be bothered with a relationship so poor that calls had to be booked in. I have friends all over the globe, we stay in touch mainly via WhatsApp and just ask “want to speak” we just ignore messages until we are awake- it’s not hard to mute so they don’t interrupt sleep or better still consider the other persons timezone when sending messages.

rookiemere · 02/05/2020 19:37

She sounds very princessy, You had an arrangement. If she wasn't able to make it then surely she whatsapp's you rather than you contacting her for her to then contact you back again.

TitianaTitsling · 02/05/2020 19:43

People who are getting on at OP for 'not bothering to send a whatsapp' you do get that this whatsapp was not to be the main contact, it was only for OP to ask her sister if she would speak to the OP 2 days later!!

Wearywithteens · 02/05/2020 19:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

sayanara · 02/05/2020 19:45

Well if I'd had a major operation and my sister couldn't be bothered to take 10 seconds to whatsapp me because she was too busy at a spa I'd be pissed off too. Sorry!

NeedToKnow101 · 02/05/2020 19:45

OP said that they had WhatsApped each other since the op, before the spa.

YANBU OP. She sounds like a twat, or a twat to you at least.
Just because she's your sister doesn't mean she can bully you without it affecting your relationship.
"I think she does need to be low priority because she's been so bullying in the past (inc quite recent past) but she does seem to expect her angry outbursts to have no long-term impacts." Same with me and my sibling.

Darbs76 · 02/05/2020 19:48

Over reaction but I don’t see why you couldn’t just send a quick what’s app? Surely you had your phone with you? I’d reach out, apologise if you’ve upset her but really didn’t think she would have been upset with this. No matter who is to blame life is too short and right now more so than ever

MiddlesexGirl · 02/05/2020 19:50

In this situation why bother with phone calls at all? Just whatsapp. I can't remember the last time I spoke to my sister on the phone. I whatsapp quite regularly though. Suits us both and no need to pre-book.

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