To shop where the OW works?

[Possiblyunreasonabl3]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

Thank you, I appreciate the kindness and advice

I'm going to struggle to act normally around him when he gets up. I'm well and truly simmering now as a result of getting this out my system and facing it head on.

Suppressing the pain has been my MO and what I've done that allows me to "keep calm and carry on"

Why is he still in bed?

Yes this retrain and go back to work for your own sanity.

You do know now that you don’t have to stay

Take your time with what you want for the future.

you are the winner Christ, what a prize. A dirty dicked, shagging obsessed dosser who puts his traumatised wife and multiple kids at risk to go out and buy food while he languishes in bed. Fabulous prize, who could want any better than that. Grim.

He's in bed because he worked last night and is working again tonight, he gets up at around 5-6pm.

I'm going to channel the anger into planning a better future for me and the children. He'll be somebody else's problem soon enough.

I'm going to channel the anger into planning a better future for me and the children. He'll be somebody else's problem soon enough

Amen sister.

Christ, what a prize

Yes quite,

Community dick

I'm very lucky.

On a serious note he does do the grocery shopping when he isn't at work so he doesn't have the privilege of lazing about unnecessarily. I make sure he pulls his weight with the house, shopping and kids.

I wouldn't keep him around if there was no benefit to me, on assessment I've concluded that it benefits me more to have him here for the interim than it would if I sent him packing and had to muddle through singlehandedly before I was able to get to where I need to be.

My therapist thinks it's a smart decision, to get what I need from the situation now and make plans for the future as I go along.

Fist bump and hugs OP. Hoping you get to where you need to be sooner rather than later - you sound great, you've got a lot to look forward to.

I think if I had kicked him out early on then he was only set to benefit from it. He wouldn't have to do any childcare, he could effectively do as he likes and have no responsibility.

Given the young age of the DC and how my health was post-birth it seemed ridiculously unfair that I should have to struggle through the hard bit alone.

My thinking is, get what I need from him whilst he's here (financial, practical) and then when I get to where I want to be (financially independent, stronger) he can sod off and won't be needed anymore.

I wouldn't keep him around if there was no benefit to me, on assessment I've concluded that it benefits me more to have him here for the interim than it would if I sent him packing and had to muddle through singlehandedly before I was able to get to where I need to be.

Yes.

Hopefully you have a plan, but I would add that my priority would be working out a career path, and if that involved any retraining, I would be making sure it was fully paid for from joint funds, and undertaken asap with him taking on full childcare. No excuses given if they're evening courses - it's his problem to solve.

Also, I'd be looking at his night working thing. I would be pushing for him to move from nights to days. Manipulate all you like on that one - if you're going to be working (and if ultimately you're going to be co-parenting apart) - no way will it work for him to never be able to have the kids 'because of his shifts' which will fucking dictate everything. Once you're split you won't have the leverage, so I'd be starting now on the line that shift work won't suit for much longer and he needs to find a different job - you won't be the one doing a day's work then running the whole family evening stuff because his work means he's on a different schedule to everyone else.

In an ideal world you probably would have moved out and set up a new home

But practicalities do not often allow for this

And while you have to stay you make plans. So many women have done before, so many women around the world shall be doing the same right now, and many many women shall in the future

You probably know a few yourself just not aware. I takes strength to do so

Thank you Was, and everybody else - for listening and providing support

I'm glad I posted.

I'll not be going anywhere near the shop and I'm going to try and put it out of mind again for today so I can crack on and make sure the kids have an enjoyable afternoon

Well deary me... it does rather look as if the Bride of Dracula and her Shop of Horrors have proven unexpectedly useful today OP :)

You have them to thank for this thread... and perhaps the ongoing support this might now provide you with? Make sure Sleeping Beauty doesn't see it...

Tongue in cheek but that's the best way to see this today I reckon. Turn everything to your advantage. Oh look, you already did this morning... :)

Thank you fizzy, you've been extremely helpful today. You're fab

If she has harassed you, or caused trouble, to the point where the police became involved, then I would steer clear of her path.

‘ DH won't go there, i had to involve the police due to her behaviour when he ended things.’

Because if you did cross paths at her place of employment & anything kicked off, then you may not be seen as the innocent injured party.

If anyone looks like an idiot it's her! Causing a scene in her uniform, police involvement, not getting what she wanted.

Hold your head high OP, go into the shop, confident, get your items and away you go.

I don’t think she should be fired unless her conduct has something to do with her job (wearing the uniform is not enough imo).

If you really need to go to that shop I would go but please don’t subject your dc to that. This drama does no one any good.

And please order something online for yourself! We should all treat ourselves at times

Personally I would avoid the shop if possible.

I've ordered the heater online guys, I'll not be going anywhere near her.

Upon reflection it was a bad idea, she may well take me going in there as me trying to provoke her and I don't want to have to deal with her shit again.

I think the ex OW is the least of your problems.
You have given him the green light to continue having affairs. He must think you get off on it.
Show some self respect woman.

I've just had a realisation that makes me feel a little better.

I probably look like a mug but so does she, she'll have told her friends and colleagues (relative is a colleague who got involved in the drama) that she has a shiny new bloke who's leaving his wife and newborn to run off into the sunset and then suddenly, she's dumped, he's changed his number and and has to tell people he fucked her over aswell.

It's a mild karma isn't it?

He isn't a prize and I don't want him (he'll be gone once I regain financial independence) but I'm glad she looks as much of a twat as I've been made to feel.

Small mercies and all that.

I don’t think she should be fired unless her conduct has something to do with her job (wearing the uniform is not enough imo).

It is. Any job I've done you get told that even out of the workplace you should be aware that you still represent the company. That's how people get fired because of stupid stuff they put on social media.

This woman has done enough to require the police to attend and tell her to stop doing whatever she did. While she was in her works uniform. I don't know of many companies that wouldnt fire someone for that.

With your update op, I can see why you're using him to be honest. He's a twat, take what you can from him.

Never feel sorry for the OW! I think on MN people just love to play devils advocate. No way would most people feel anger towards another woman who knew the man was already attached and were planning to run of in to the sun set. They are both arseholes.

OP it’s not usual to stay in a relationship when a man has cheated (or woman) there is a lot of phases you can go through before you finally say - ‘fuck this shit ’ add young kids in to the mix and many women stay - albeit unhappy.

Too good to leave Too bad to stay is a fantastic book and it really helps you put the blocks in place to help you see if the relationship is worth staying for or leaving. Don’t underestimate the need for your own happiness in your own life.

Regarding the shop -

You can either rip the plaster off and fri t it out. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed off. She should be ashamed. Prove to yourself she isn’t this monster that keeps you from shops

Or

Buy it off amazon. Try and let go of what they have both done and do some serious work on yourself. You are still in there and your happiness counts too