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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shop where the OW works?

274 replies

Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:14

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 14:07

Show some self respect woman

I'd sooner look after my children's best interests being financial stability and a roof over there heads for the time being.

It's all well and good throwing him out but he would be leaving with the only income we have, I'm a SAHM.

It's not always as easy as LTB in the real world, alot of us want to do that but have to be practical and work towards it.

Universal credit isn't the answer, financial independence is.

I will LTB, but I won't leave myself potless and destitute in the meantime.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 02/05/2020 14:08

I wouldn't go there, I would hope the shop had to fire her.

Can someone explain why she'd be fired over an affair that's not work related?

Summersunandoranges · 02/05/2020 14:08

I don’t think she should be fired unless her conduct has something to do with her job (wearing the uniform is not enough imo)

Oh hell I’d be going for her getting sacked, evicted, car impounded, face on local Facebook selling site ect ..,

But I’m really good at burning bridges Grin

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/05/2020 14:10

I don’t think either OW or your DH are coming out of it well. Good luck leaving him op - I’m a single mum and it’s great to be the captain of your own ship.

lowlandLucky · 02/05/2020 14:10

Do your hair, put make up on( if you wear it) dress like a million dollars and swan in there like you own the place. Give her your best smile, she will be the one feeling uncomfortable.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 14:13

I thought she may have put her job on the line because she was committing antisocial behaviour and causing a disturbance at my house, in her work inform.

A neighbour saw it and I'm sure others did.

She was also sending a ton of harassing and crude messages on Facebook, where she displays her employment.

I'm aware alot of places have a social media policy, and that's without committing antisocial behaviour in the uniform which results in a police visit.

I did put in a complaint to head office when it happened, alongside reporting to the police, as I was furious with her for what she was doing.

I've no idea if anything has been done about it. Probably not.

She's a supervisor and her relative works within management.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/05/2020 14:14

Do your hair, put make up on( if you wear it) dress like a million dollars and swan in there like you own the place. Give her your best smile, she will be the one feeling uncomfortable

Oh Lordy no. It’s not 1955. The op is getting her life together and moving on to be independent for herself and her children how she looks or makes the ow maybe feel is irrelevant far more important issues to deal with (though a nice daydream)

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 14:18

IRT future independence, my therapist (via IAPT) referred me onto their employment support service.

I'm in touch with a lovely lady from the department with a view to accessing a training course when lockdown ends.

I do have plans and an end game Smile

OP posts:
mummytippy · 02/05/2020 14:22

Hold your head up high as you've done nothing wrong and go and get your shopping from that store.
If you should see her... just ignore and walk on by Flowers

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 14:22

I've had counselling and have a good amount of insight and no blind hope as far as 'D'H is concerned.

I've done my research and looked into everything I need to in terms of separation, I have a plan for living arrangements, I'm determined to be financially independent within the next 12 month's to make that happen, I do have self respect but I can understand why people may think I don't

I'm going to do some messy play with the children now

Thanks again for all of the replies and advice x

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 02/05/2020 14:23

I don't think I would go in the shop, but I suppose lots of more upfront women might venture in, no matter what.

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/05/2020 14:24

If you’re renting op - universal credit will cover most of your rent. More difficult if you have a mortgage. Your dh as you are describing him turns my stomach and I don’t have to live with him.

Financial independence on your own with young children and no benefits is not easy op. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your children will be fine and you will manage. There must be a lot of tension in the house at the moment - don’t kid yourself that children aren’t picking up on that. I dealt with that with my own parents who stayed together for years despite being miserable and it was much better when they split.

MulticolourMophead · 02/05/2020 14:34

I've only just read this through, and totally side with the OP in not chucking the H out immediately. She's putting her DCs interests first, and has a plan for the future.

I currently rent as a single mum, and get UC, but this will obviously reduce/end once my youngest is 18. I am working on a plan to get a new, better paying job ready for that time, that will also work around me being able to go to university. It's not going to be easy, but I'm determined that I finally do something for me, instead of having wasted 30 years on an abusive tosser.

OP, you sound great, you have your head screwed on, and I wish you all the best in that future life you're planning.

Summersunandoranges · 02/05/2020 14:41

CayrolBaaaskin have you read the OP posts? She is leaving and she is being smart about it. Why should her kids suffer? It’s so easy for posters to insist on leaving immediately when there are so many factors to think off. Finding some where to live, furnishing the house, maybe changing schools. UC isn’t a save all. You get hardly anything! Her Dh isn’t abusive, she has time to sort an exit plan which she is doing. Pearl clutching at pearls over her kids because you had a bad experience with your mum and dad isn’t going help.

Leaving and going on UC at the time where thousands of people are applying g for it and we are in the middle of a pandemic is not the the best idea!

ILuvQuarintinis · 02/05/2020 14:44

It's a huge PITA because I can't get what I need from any other place locally due to the lockdown.

Can't you get on line ? Can't imagine what is so rare that they only sell ?
No I would not go .

Somanysocks · 02/05/2020 14:45

For what it's worth Op I don't think people are laughing at you behind your back.

Any person worth anything would be sympathising with you and be in disgust at your husband and ow. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Hold your head high, keep your dignity and make plans calmly. Best wishes for you and your children's future.

Yourteaisgettingcold · 02/05/2020 14:49

Not what you were asking but I do hope you get your ducks in a row and leave him as soon as possible. I left my cheating husband, despite being a stay at home parent with no income of my own, and even though the road ahead is going to be tough it's the best decision I made.

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/05/2020 14:55

@summersunandoranges - I’m a single mum thanks and have been on benefits previously. I’m now financially independent (and I still have relatively young children) with no benefits and no maintenance from my ex. I know from experience what life is like on benefits.

As for “pearl clutching at pearls” I was just giving my experience as a child of unhappy parents. You say her “dh is not abusive” but the whole scenario sounds awful and there must be so much tension and anger in the house. As a child who lived with that, I would say end it and don’t make excuses like my parents did because you are too scared to leave.

Good luck to op.

NeneValley · 02/05/2020 15:00

I have this same issue.Except with my narc sister.

I regularly shopped in a big store and around Christmas me and the kids walked round an aisle and she was there stacking goods. I didn’t think it was her at first because I haven’t seen her for several months, and we didn’t catch glances, but she started muttering quietly. ‘Go away...go away...go away...’ like a crazy woman.

She’s the sort of person who cries all over Facebook about how much she adores her niece and nephew but neglects to mention she allowed my pre-teen daughter to sleep under the same roof as her boyfriend, who got a 13 year old pregnant when he was 35 Hmm. But we’re NC for many other reasons than that.

Anyway, there’s stuff I need to get at the moment they probably sell, but the thought of bumping into her is too icky to contemplate, she’s a complete weirdo.

You’re not over this though, otherwise you wouldn’t be debating it with yourself (and Mumsnet). You’d just grab your purse and shop there.

Indifference stops bullies in their tracks I learnt. It worked with my sister. Once I stopped being upset about her behaviour she became nonplussed without a reaction from me to work with, and ‘let me go’. She moved on to someone else of course as is her form.

Maybe if you just shop there, and ignore the OW, you’ll be fine. But do you honestly have a burning curiosity for confrontation you’re not admitting?

As for my sister, she won’t be working there forever, she gets sacked from all her jobs so it’s only a mater of time, plus she’s a thief, so I’m sure I can wait a bit longer until she’s no longer there.

MulticolourMophead · 02/05/2020 15:04

CayrolBaaaskin But the OP isn't making excuses, she has a plan, that's the difference.

Poppi89 · 02/05/2020 15:18

If you do decide to leave OP I would be so tempted to first come clean to the 'affair' you've been having so he feel for a short amount of time what you have been going through. I bet he wouldn't be so quick to forgive you seeing as he seems to not care enough.

growinggreyer · 02/05/2020 15:27

Don't take Poppi89's advice, for god's sake. Men always get away with affairs while women get slated. If you told him you had been unfaithful then that would be the narrative for the next 18 years.

Poppi89 · 02/05/2020 15:30

Not when she is leaving him! And I said I would be tempted to so for a short amount of time he would feel her pain.

I'm not saying she should have an affair.

Billben · 02/05/2020 15:30

I don’t think she should be fired unless her conduct has something to do with her job (wearing the uniform is not enough imo)

Wearing the uniform might not be enough to fire her, but it sure is enough to get a disciplinary for. Both my last and current job would have disciplined me if I had done something disreputable (such as harassment like the OW did in OP’s case) if I was wearing my uniform and people could clearly make out where I worked.

Notredamn · 02/05/2020 15:32

Your posts are dignified as fuck, OP. You're ace. You sound like you have your head well and truly screwed on and like a PP said, you do have lots to look forward to.