To shop where the OW works?

[Possiblyunreasonabl3]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

My first reaction would be not to go but it’s been a year and the fact that you really want to go and are discussing it on here shows that you feel ready to do it.Just go and pretend you don’t recognize her and just be normal and matter of fact as you would be in any situation.Best of luck, she may not even be there.

Send your husband to a different shop to get what you need. He’s the one who has put you in this predicament.

This ^

How on earth is OP the “winner”?? The prize is pretty shit if you ask me.

She came to my house in the middle of the night with a car full of people causing a disturbance. She also harassed me over the internet sending endless messages despite no reply on my end.

I reported her to the police, they attended and saw the evidence and asked what I wanted to do about it. I said I didn't want a long drawn out pallava I just want to be left alone, so they visited her and issued a harassment warning.

She was told that if she made contact again or came anywhere near my property she would be arrested.

I wasn't told to stay away from the shop as I had done nothing wrong. The warning was completely one sided.

I can see that me going there would be a bad idea given her nature, so I won't be going.

I just got pissed off at the continued inconvenience the affair has caused when I can't pop to my local shop to buy something I urgently need for the kids.

Don't go , it will bring back all that anger , all those acute feelings and just make it harder for all your family . There will be a time when you can face it but not now , not in lockdown .

@YetiAnotherNameChange - that was actually my first thought as I'm not someone who cares about other people's opinions. If the OP had not taken her DH back then I would definitely be going in there but I would be too paranoid to think they are all thinking that's that women that was cheated on how silly was she that she took him back. And the OW thinking she had 'won' over the OP.

I would also be worried that I would make a scene if she spoke to me or someone said something as I would be on edge and then I would be annoyed at myself for not keeping my cool.

I do understand that feeling of - you can't go into a shop so she is controlling what you can and can't do. But you are not doing it for her - why give them your business and money when someone like that works there.

Don’t let her or him dictate where you shop OP, hold your head up, you did nothing wrong!
My ex had an affair with a manager of Tesco’s, my mother had a little part-time job there, I was her next of kin.The OW got my contact details from mother’s HR records and harassed me. Even after it was reported to the police and Tesco nothing was done!
I still shopped there as I wasn’t a lying cheating bastard, the shame was theirs not mine!

Get a friend or neighbour to go

I have been parallel planning my potential exit whilst seeing if things can be fixed, getting my ducks in a row so to speak In the event that they can't, but at the moment for mainly practical reasons it's best for me if I don't make any immediate decisions.

Good.

I just got pissed off at the continued inconvenience the affair has caused when I can't pop to my local shop to buy something I urgently need for the kids.

You send him, at a time which is convenient for you, and every disturbed night he gets as a result can be ticked off against all the times you presumably couldn't sleep for sadness thanks to him shitting all over you. No, he doesn't get a choice in it. If she approaches him, he's to tell her to go away unless she wants more police involvement.

Hope those ducks get sorted soon. This isn't a way to live.

I wish I didn't even consider it. I have anxiety now despite making the decision not to go. I spent a good hour humming and ahhing about whether to bother, how to respond if she tried to approach me, whether I would be able to keep my cool.

Fucking bastards the pair of them. I'm nowhere near over it and this deliberation and subsequent stress today has confirmed that.

Is it really worth the aggro? I just wouldn't go tbh. My exH had an affair with someone he worked with at a well-known department store which I used to visit every week. Neither of them work there now but I still feel uncomfortable going in there so avoid if at all possible. X

Send the husband in for the bits, he can be the embarrassed one.

We play these things over in our minds to protect ourselves- never does the plan come together (mine are often high drama with Alexis from Dynasty type cutting come backs of course I’m looking amazing and 10 years younger the person is floored by my quick wit and presence it makes me feel better for a few minutes)

Don’t be hard on yourself. Avoid more hurt. You know you are moving on emotionally and will move on from this relationship when the time is right. That takes real strength

I don't think I would feel comfortable sending him into the shop, because I would bet good money on the fact she would approach him if she were there (or her relative, who she dragged into the drama)

He is spineless and I'll make no excuses for him. If she approached him I have no faith that he would do the right thing and simply tell her to leave him be. He would stand there sheepish and take whatever it is she wants to say to him and then probably apologise for the police involvement and say it wasn't his doing.

All of the anger is coming back to the surface today because it is the first time in a while that I've allowed myself to really think about it.

OP

Don't turn this into some sort of failing in YOU - 'such a little thing and look how badly I'm handling it, etc.'. It isn't like that at all.

It is precisely these small moments (and they come more often and stronger once the shock and panic are over) that pull you up short and make you realise a. just how much everything has changed and b. just how shit it actually is.

Everyday life and the things that give peace and harmony aren't all about the massive questions of how you and your H are now communicating/is he in contact with her/can you forgive him etc.

They're also about what seem like little things, like this, but are actually not little. How free you feel to go about life as normal. How it's affected your social life and circle. How much 'small' things can now upset you. Your entire life, not just your romantic life with your H (for want of a better word) has been upended.

Usefully, the cheating partner tends to be quite oblivious to these kinds of effects. Selfish, self-obsessed people usually are quite oblivious to the nuances of how people treat each other bleeds into other areas of life. So it also makes you see them more clearly - makes you truly realise that an affair is never a 'mistake' - it's a true ripping away of the mask so you see that the person you are with is a little cunt at heart - someone who used you, threw away your peace of mind, someone who is rarely, ever, worth continuing a relationship with.

Here you are feeling like this and he's sleeping. Having his routine. Not disturbed. And you don't want to raise it with him because you KNOW his response will make you hate him a bit more, because once again it will confirm that he doesn't think like you think if he did you wouldn't be here because he wouldn't have cheated

The above, for me, is why there is no 'over it'. You know your H isn't a keeper, he never will be. Use the anger for good. Forget the shop - you solved it - now use the anger you have today to continue mapping out that better life.

I’d get him out of bed and send him shopping. I’d certainly not be taking children out into public when there was another adult in the household.

The blame doesn’t lie just with her though. He broke his vows to you not her. Yet he’s in your house with you and she’s in a store where you may bump into her and not sure how that’s worse.

mine are often high drama with Alexis from Dynasty type cutting come backs of course I’m looking amazing and 10 years younger the person is floored by my quick wit and presence it makes me feel better for a few minutes

Ah yes, that resonates with me. I actually had a dream (yes the fuckers even manage to invade my sleep) where I humiliated her infront of everybody she knew, then walked away looking fabulous as everybody cheered cringe!

He would stand there sheepish and take whatever it is she wants to say to him and then probably apologise for the police involvement and say it wasn't his doing.

Yep. See? Little cunt, little weaselly cheaty coward. He'd have you take the blame for the chain of events they caused. Urgh.

It's your DP that has put you in this position OP, he has been a c* if anything, he cheated, wanted to cheat and did so because he wanted to, disregarding you. This is the mess left behind from his choice to do that, regardless of her actions.

It may have felt an easy decision to take your DH back but that doesn't mean it was for the best or worth it. Clearly you're deeply affected (as most people are who've been cheated on). How is it fair that you can't visit a shop and have anxiety and are stuck thinking about the OW.

Make him get you what you need or just order it online if possible. Or go without.

I doubt she would even acknowledge you as an aside, let alone be fired or the police be overly interested in the current climate. She hasn't been charged and some time has passed, there are no threats being made by her existing in her place of work should you choose to go to it. At work she will have probably got a verbal warning if that OP. I'd be surprised if it went any further.

Does your Argos not do the same day delivery option? Or maybe that’s not an option during lockdown I haven’t ordered from mine recently but last time I did it came same day for about a fiver extra

I know I'm late to the thread but I was going to say not to go because it would be too hurtful to see her and it bring everything back up to the surface which it has done. Next time you need something from that shop, make it your DHS job to look online and find one. Make it his problem. Btw you shouldn't be the one who has to hide, none of this was your doing, remember that

Here you are feeling like this and he's sleeping. Having his routine. Not disturbed. And you don't want to raise it with him because you KNOW his response will make you hate him a bit more, because once again it will confirm that he doesn't think like you think if he did you wouldn't be here because he wouldn't have cheated

You are absolutely spot on

The above, for me, is why there is no 'over it'. You know your H isn't a keeper, he never will be. Use the anger for good. Forget the shop - you solved it - now use the anger you have today to continue mapping out that better life.

Sadly I agree. I know what he is and what he isn't and truth be told I see no future with him anymore. I remain with him for practical reasons that aren't sustainable.

The blame doesn’t lie just with her though. He broke his vows to you not her

Absolutely. I struggle with the hypocrisy myself. He remains here in the family home whilst she remains the villain. The way I've justified that to myself is like this "I love and care for him, he is the children's father, she is nothing and therefore it is easier to hate her"

I'm under no illusion that she alone is the problem. I'm angry at him for the affair, and her for her disgusting behaviour toward me afterwards.

OP: I wouldn’t. Shop somewhere else. There is no up side to all of this and there is a MASSIVE potential for a issue to arise no matter how well you behave, she may not.

Possiblyunreasonabl3 that’s a fantastic dream just needed Jason Momoa there to walk off with hand in hand (mmm maybe that’s more my dream)

It’s your subconscious playing out what you would like to happen or how you would like her to feel humiliation and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that !

You are feeling your anger at the moment. The mind is very good at times at protecting us and managing what we can deal with this is why we feel different emotions at different times (also very confusing). Anger can often lead to feeling a more physical feeling of being stronger and able to deal with change. You have probably moved on more than you realise at the moment

Be proud of how you have held yourself together and still parented your children when at times I’m sure all you wanted to do was hide under the covers (and even if you did that at times well it was needed)