Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shop where the OW works?

274 replies

Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:14

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Lizfigs · 02/05/2020 15:41

Just go, if she makes a scene (which I doubt she will, she probably has her claws into someone else right now), she looks like a knob. Also glad you are making moves to leave him, you deserve better Flowers

Summersunandoranges · 02/05/2020 15:46

She IS leaving cayrol read her posts.

AngelaScandal · 02/05/2020 15:48

You are very dignified. I’d be telling you that if you were my friend. Keep on getting your ducks in a row. There’s better for you out there.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 15:53

They're both a pair of idiots.

I looked on her profile when she was relentlessly messaging me and her photo album was full of quotes, several of them (from before she met DH) were pictures stating things like "if you can't be faithful, stay single" and similar which indicate she has been cheated on.

She's a lone parent so what I take from that is her children's dad probably did the same as what DH did, and what does she do? Go for somebody married who she knows is a cheat and repeat the cycle. Perhaps her way of taking back power at my expense?

H is similarly ridiculous in how when we met (not on the first date but later on) he told me how his ex had cheated on him, he caught her out, cheating is terrible etc.

Be under no illusion I want a future with him, as soon as I'm sorted he's gone.

I wouldn't be able to claim UC at the moment as he earns too much, and for me to find another house I would need to have an income. Catch 22. Nobody would take us on the basis that we would apply for UC, I've been looking at properties online for reference and alot of places are very firm about no DSS.

I have no shame in claiming benefits if I need to later on, but my primary focus at the moment is to get back into work and be self sufficient. If I'm eligible for a UC top up once I am in work then great.

OP posts:
GreenGlassVase · 02/05/2020 15:58

I would go, if you really need to go to that shop
I wouldn’t go if I could go elsewhere

If you see her, call her a whore 😀 Quietly though.

Delamero · 02/05/2020 16:21

I’m in a very similar position to you. Just under 2 years ago OH cheated on me with a TA at her school. It was brief but they’d used my daughter as a cover as OW teaches a hobby my daughter loves.
It was horrendous, the worst time of my life but we have stayed together and to a certain extent our relationship is far better than it was.
However OW continued working at the school and did everything she could to unsettle me. Including passing gifts to my daughter, plaiting her hair, sending me messages accusing me of giving her daughter ‘dirty looks’. It was really hard but to the most part I didn’t respond. I avoided school and I don’t socialise with other school mums (as she is friends with a couple).
She now doesn’t bother me and has recently got a new job. I’ll be honest I feel so much better that I didn’t allow my behaviour to drop to hers. She was desperate for me to be a bitch so she could justify their behaviour. I should think she is very embarrassed about the whole thing now.
My OH was equally responsible, so by forgiving him I have to forgive them both of that. I don’t however, forgive her horrendous behaviour towards me afterwards.
Avoid the shop, at some point you’ll care less and have healed more, but don’t risk your feelings for some shopping items. You have come out of this with your dignity as the lovely person you are.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 16:31

Hi @Delamero

Your post struck me as familiar as soon as I read it, did you post about this on MN when it happened? I'm so sorry you went through that, what a horrible situation and to use your DD like that... just awful.

I can relate on a similar level, my children were also used as a cover several times during the affair. H sprung into parenting mode and suddenly wanted to take them out alone, "quality time together" was his reasoning. I later found out he was taking them to the park with OW and probably to her house aswell (I've never got proof of the latter but strongly suspect that is the case"

They are very young and not yet verbal so they couldn't tell me themselves, which he knows and exploited. Bastard.

I don’t however, forgive her horrendous behaviour towards me afterwards.

Yes ditto. I don't blame the OW in my case for the affair, that's all on H, but the way she behaved toward me and the sheer malice afterwards was unforgivable.

I'm really pleased to read that you're in a better place now and no longer on the receiving end of her childish spite

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 02/05/2020 16:46

I think you sound great OP, really switched on and so dignified. You’re more composed than a lot of people could hope to be!

Timekeeper1 · 02/05/2020 17:06

I see you've now ordered online, but I was going to say that if you are friendly with a couple of the workers there, as you said you were, you could discreetly ask one of them if she still works there.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 17:23

Ughmaybe, thank you for saying that. You're very kind. As are the others who think that of me.

To be honest I thought of myself as a coward rather than dignified, as 15 years ago in my teens I would have probably given her a slap Blush

I used to be alot more ballsy than I am now, but I could never justify a screaming match or worse now I have children.

Time, I did think along those lines. I sent a Facebook message to the friendly acquaintance I have who works there and asked whether they have these specific heaters in store. I was going to follow it up by asking if she's still there.

She hasn't opened my message or been active on Facebook today which is just as well really.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 17:57

OP you sound great. You'll get there - he'll sink.

I'm glad this has been helpful.

He sounds absolutely foul!

InFiveMins · 02/05/2020 18:06

OP, rise above it and don't go to that particular shop.

InFiveMins · 02/05/2020 18:07

I mean that in a kind way by the way - I just think you are opening the door to abuse/hurt feelings by even being there. Just don't go x

UniversalAunt · 02/05/2020 18:14

@Possiblyunreasonabl3 you sound such a decent thoughtful & determined woman.
He’s a mug, recycle him as your plan.
All the best for your future Flowers

Fishfingersandwichplease · 02/05/2020 18:34

My ex boyfriend was knocking off a woman in our town, didn't find out til after we split up although l did have my suspicions about her long before we parted. She came into the shop l worked in to make an order - she knew l knew cos my mate had let rip at her in the pub after it all came out (l wasn't there to see it), so when l had to serve her l could see how awkward she felt. I made her tell me her full name, phone number, inside leg (not really but you get the picture), really took my time over it just to make her squirm. I had done nothing wrong and neither have you- hold your head up high OP and walk in and out of there with your dignity in tact.

Leflic · 02/05/2020 19:25

Op she’s not driving you away, you’re doing that to yourself, you’re perfectly able to go into the shop. What’s stopping you is your anxiety.

I quite like this. Bluntness is right it’s only feelings.I struggled and still do with the OW. She was such a cow. I mean I can understand her wanting to be with my ex but there was no need to be vile to me, if that makes sense. Her unkindness spoiled what could have been a clean break with the ex.
I do wonder why it still has the power to affect me and I think at some point I have to realise the good bits of my relationship with the ex are not diminished by the end, They are separate episodes.

U2HasTheEdge · 02/05/2020 19:28

OP you are great! I am so sorry you had to go through all of this, but better times are ahead. All the best to you and your children Thanks

MadameMeursault · 03/05/2020 00:14

I’d go on there wearing a T-shirt saying “Winner”, but I’m nasty like that!

U2HasTheEdge · 03/05/2020 01:17

I’d go on there wearing a T-shirt saying “Winner”, but I’m nasty like that!

That isn't nasty, it's just a bit pathetic.

I would cringe if someone thought they had 'won' because their husband ended their affair.

OP doesn't think her husband is a good 'prize'.

Downunderduchess · 03/05/2020 02:17

If you were able to (still trying) move past it with your partner, who actually had/has some commitment to you then you should be able to ignore a relative stranger who is nothing to you. If you really need to go to that specific place then do it, get what you need & leave. Don’t give them any power in your life.

tillytown · 03/05/2020 03:44

I’d go on there wearing a T-shirt saying “Winner”, but I’m nasty like that!
That would be dumb as the only winner is the man who had a affair and got to stay in the family home.
OP, I'm so glad you are going to leave. Him using your children to have an affair is unforgivable.

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2020 07:48

I’d go on there wearing a T-shirt saying “Winner”, but I’m nasty like that!

That’s not nasty that’s just cringeworthy, she won nothing other than a cheating husband. Hardly a prize to gloat about. To wear a t shirt saying look at me, my husband cheated and I stayed with him, go me.

Notredamn · 03/05/2020 08:56

OP is clearly one of life's winners and her husband is soon going to a loser, when she's finally finished with him and moves onto better things. So whilst I agree with Bluntness and the others that she isn't a 'winner' and this particular situation, she certainly doesn't deserve a further kicking.

U2HasTheEdge · 03/05/2020 11:22

OP isn't getting a further kicking at all.

No one is a winner in this situation, but I totally agree that OP will come out on top when she moves on and we are all rooting for her.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page