To shop where the OW works?

[Possiblyunreasonabl3]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

I’ve said YANBU. You didn’t do anything wrong in this situation so you would not be U to either go or not go. It depends on what will be best for you. Sod the rest of them and go and hold your head up high if you feel able to. Or, preserve yourself emotionally and avoid until you feel able. I’m sorry you’ve been treat so badly and I hope you and your husband are able to really move past this (for your sake).

Just to add.. He didn't actually want me to call the police DESPITE her harassing me to the point where my eating and sleeping was affected AND her turning up at the house.

This will be because he didn't want her to think he was behind it (involving the police) because it will have put him in a bad light, further to ending the affair.

Even at the height of the destruction of my life he was more bothered about upsetting her more/looking spiteful.

Your anger is misplaced it should be to your husband

He needs to go not you and you are making excuses for him

You’ll end up resenting him in fact from what you’ve posted I think you already do and are projecting it onto her instead.

If you have to go head held high and ignore her completely. If you do what you want and get her a verbal warnin or even sacked she’ll thrive on the fact she’s got to you.

I wouldn't OP, you're clearly not over this (which is understandable) so it would just be punishing yourself really as tempting as it is to make her squirm a bit.

If it were a case of having to go, I also wouldn't do anything, I'd go about my shopping and leave. Surely the best thing is for her to feel she has no importance in your life. If she approached I'd just roll my eyes and walk away (maybe make a complaint to management once I'd left).

Even at the height of the destruction of my life he was more bothered about upsetting her more/looking spiteful.

You do know that although you made the decision to try and work through this with your husband, you aren't compelled to remain together forever?

He's behaved disgustingly and made no effort to make you feel genuinely secured and loved from what you say.

Would I be right in thinking his version of having tried to make things work would be something like 'but I let you shout at me whenever you were cross about it so you can't say I haven't tried'.

He sounds like a twat, do you still want to keep trying?

This will be because he didn't want her to think he was behind it (involving the police) because it will have put him in a bad light, further to ending the affair.

Why would he care! Does he still have feelings for her?

I'm glad you thought about going to the shop as I think it's made you realise just how much you're not over it.

So she harassed you and he didn’t want the police phoned bloody hell.

Did you have counselling at all or was it all swept under the carpet. Was he contrite or let’s not talk of it, if the latter you have bigger problems.

You’ll end up resenting him in fact from what you’ve posted I think you already do and are projecting it onto her instead.

Yep. It's a self preservation yet maladaptive defence mechanism I've equipped myself to deal with what has happened and keep my family in tact.

Under the surface I'm well aware he is the problem and have told him as much. The hatred I feel toward her doesn't trump the hatred I feel toward him, although the latter is unhealthily suppressed for the sake of maintaining harmony in the house.

In an ideal world (and what I'm aiming for) is that this time next year I'll be better placed to walk away and not suffer needlessly for doing it. I've kept my practical head on.

I think Possiblyunreasonabl3 knows who her anger is really directed at. I believe she is just coming to terms with accepting that before it was too painful

It’s takes time to heal

I have received counselling on my own yes.

In regards to discussing it, we have done at length now but he wasn't forthcoming at the start.

He minimised and lied, then twisted and minimised some more.

He is the poster man for "the script" and if it were a friend of mine going through it I would have told her to walk away and never look back.

The timing couldn't be worse as I was recently post partum, very difficult birth and aftermath and I did need him around. It wasn't feasible for me to have kicked him out at the point of it coming to light. I wouldn't have managed.

Your last post showed a lot of insight OP into why this is so triggering for you. I agree with a previous poster, you haven’t “won” anything, you need to put her out of your mind. As you said she’s a convenient villain. Your husband is the problem, good luck for the future and moving on. This is no way for you to be living, or spending a Saturday morning, when you only want your child to have heat in their bedroom.

You are bound to see her sometime. This way you get to do it in a controlled way when you are prepared. Leave the children at home though in case you're upset afterwards. Good luck.

Gobsmacked that you’re letting him sleep when your child’s bedroom has no heating? I’d be waking him up and sending him out, it’s not like this is a ‘nice to have’ item. There must be other places you can go.

A year is not a long time OP. But there is also no time frame of when things should be easier either.

I totally get you on this. I had to go to a place where OW worked, I had no choice as our companies are interlinked. I cannot tell you the stress it caused me knowing I had to go there and may see her. I was a wreck.
I did see her and how I held together I still don't know. I saw her, greeted her with a curt hello, thankfully I was finished there, so I just turned around and walked out the door. I was sure that everyone there could see my heart beating and my sweating hands. As I got into the car I burst into tears. Then I started the car and drove out. But, the next time I had to go again and see her, it wasn't like this at all. If I have to, ie if she is right there, I just say hello and that is it. If she isn't right there, I just ignore her. She is still with my ex so there is a slight difference there.

You can't avoid the shop forever, but if you don't have to go, don't. I can remember that day as clearly as anything and it was draining. But, it was just the first time that was so bad, it was a bit of a stepping stone for me mentally, that I had actually done it and was OK.
I know some won't understand that, it's just going somewhere you are entitled to go, but it's so much more than that.

He also didn’t want the police to be called as he was aware that he had been a prize shit to her too .
She’s likely been fed an absolute pack of lies from him about a future soon etc and had naively believed she meant something to him .
Her behaviour was possibly from extreme distress too .
In other words he had a conscience about what he did to her .. but it seems less so you ..

You’ve done well to suffer him over the past year but I suspect it’s been very damaging to your MH ..

I hope you leave him ASAP for your the good of your health .... this is clearly taking a toll on you .
I’m so sorry

Yes women so often have to be practical too

So many men just walk off either to another women or because it’s too painful for them to stay

Rarely are women so inclined to be so selfish

No way would I.

It was never really about her, she could have been anybody and I fully believe if she wasn't receptive to his advances he'd have found somebody else.

He is sex obsessed with a fragile ego and craves attention, so much so he was willing to hurt me to get his rocks off with somebody who quite honestly, looks like the crypt keeper.

I don't wish her any harm as she was duped by him herself, but I've seen enough of her to know that she's not a nice person and isn't deserving of any of my understanding.

Even at the height of the destruction of my life he was more bothered about upsetting her more/looking spiteful.

Of course.

Because he is a selfish nasty shit and not a keeper.

OP, I would seriously think about starting a new thread on here - for support.

If you are wondering how you might go about separating and starting a new life you will find huge amounts of practical and emotional advice on here.

If you just want a place to vent for now, the same goes.

They are both the problem. Be angry at both of them.

It’s not your fault it is theirs. Both of them. I wouldn’t care if she is hurt too, which she probably is as he’s probably not treated her well either.

Not your problem.

So. Go to the shops. Or don’t go. But either way start making every single decision about you and your kids. No one else.

Hi
I have been in your shoes. I could never get over it truly or trust. I took him back but made damn sure to train for a good job so I could manage /if when he did it again. He did do it again, probably many times in between too. Thank goodness I retrained and now can support us. If you are a SAHM you can use the time to study upskill etc. Hopefully your DH won't do this to you. But don't take the chance.

She was definitely hurt, she believed he was leaving me to swan off into the sunset with her. I can understand the anger but can't find it in myself to empathise with the fact she made me the target of the horrible vitriol she directed at me.

After all, she was the intruder in my life not vice versa.

I think if I was her I would have felt quite sorry for me and thanked my lucky stars I wasn't tied to him the way I am with children.

If you are a SAHM you can use the time to study upskill etc

This is exactly what I'm doing.

I gave up work and became a SAHM when pregnant with our youngest, believing he could be relied upon. We agreed this was the best option until youngest goes to nursery.

He then shit on me and left me vulnerable, so now I'm working towards independence again.

OP your updates are heartbreaking. You are certainly under no illusions about this situation and come across as a very insightful person.

I have nothing further to add other than to wish you strength, happiness and positivity as you move on from this. Good luck

And from your posts, it sounds as if you did a sensible thing in many ways by staying.

If it was best for you in a practical sense at the time, then that's fine. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Now, too - if it's still going to put you ahead in the long term by staying for now, then do so.

Just make sure you're taking every single advantage you csn, for yourself, and do nothing for him. You're in this for you now, there is no team and there is no 'us'.

Don't let him know that though.

He doesn't like it? Now's your perfect oppoortunity to say, well if you don't like having to do more childcare/having the savings in my name/doing your fucking share around the house, we could always go ahead with that divorce and you can fuck off back to Dracula's Bride?