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AIBU?

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Original poster

To shop where the OW works?

274 replies

Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:14

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:17

It is an electric heater, needed for the DC's bedroom which is uniformly freezing.

There are plenty on Amazon but cost slightly more, which isn't a problem, but the delay in it being delivered isn't ideal.

OP posts:
RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds · 02/05/2020 11:17

Apologies. I see that's been covered. My MN isn't updating pages.

HuggedTheRedwoods · 02/05/2020 11:18
  • "I would make myself look fab, go in and hold my head up eye. If you see her, make eye contact and smile."

As it stands she's drove me away from a shop I previously used on a weekly basis.

But I'm not over it, so it's obviously a bad decision.*

I agree you dont sound in the right frame of mind at the moment to shop there but post-lockdown and when you feel stronger, do think about going in if its a place you want to shop again. Look fab and hold your head up as advised but if you do come across her, no smile no nothing, look through her as if she never existed and means nothing to you - how ever fast your heart may be beating underneath. She will probably be more unnerved than you but can't kick off if you dont engage. If she's on a till or stocking an aisle walk by to the next one. You've done nothing wrong and only getting shopping done in a convenient place for you.

crustycrab · 02/05/2020 11:18

"I was only having to take the DC because DH is sleeping, it wouldn't be open for me to go to by the time he gets up."

You know that there are other factors making you use this as justification. But seriously, he gets up when he has to look after the kids. Not whenever he decides.

If you need to go shopping at the moment then you do not take the children unless you have to. And you really don't have to.

HedgehogHotel · 02/05/2020 11:19

I'd wake his ass up and tell him to watch his kids because you need things and this is the only place to get them, and obviously you won't be taking your DCs to that store. He put you in this position; he can go without a bit of sleep to watch his own DCs while you pop in there.

carriebreadshaw · 02/05/2020 11:19

I bet if you asked on one of those local help pages on Fb someone would give you a heater to use while you wait for delivery. There must be tons that aren't being used at the moment.

I can't believe your DH can't just get up half an hour earlier and watch the kids

PatricksRum · 02/05/2020 11:19

Not sure where you are OP but there's plenty of reasonably priced ones on amazon delivery date Monday 4fh.

TheVanguardSix · 02/05/2020 11:19

But I'm not over it, so it's obviously a bad decision.

Of course you're not over it. Flowers It's a huge trauma, what you've been through. If you can just focus entirely on healing and working on your marriage and also remind yourself that time, a good ally that works slowly but diligently, will heal, you will get through the toughest parts of this process. The aftermath of an affair is unbelievably hard. You're in the middle of picking up the mess. But if your husband is truly in it to make it work and if you feel confident that he is doing everything to regain your trust (and doing so with meaning and truth!), you will both heal. I wish you all the best.
She's in the past. Horrible as that past is, all you can do is be where you're at now and work on that. I may have missed this in the thread but are you and your husband seeking therapy together?
Anyway, Jeff Bezos is your BFF right now! I know, there are better people out there, but you need him in your corner. Wink Amazon Prime all sorts. Avoid that horrible shop full of bad memories until you're stronger.

Bluntness100 · 02/05/2020 11:20

Op she’s not driving you away, you’re doing that to yourself, you’re perfectly able to go into the shop. What’s stopping you is your anxiety.

However if you can’t cope with the thought of seeing her, it’s best you don’t go. There is nothing wrong with that and it’s fully understandable, but I think saying she’s driving you away when she likely not even aware you need to go in is a bit much.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:20

Were the police ever involved?

Yes they were, she had a visit from them and was told in no uncertain terms to stay away from my house and not to contact me again.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/05/2020 11:20

Don't look at it as her driving you away from the shop - look at it as you aren't giving your hard earned ££ to that shop.

Are there any restrictions in contact after the Police were involved ? Would they take kindly to you actively going in there ?

(Though I would be tempted to go in, make her open the box to check every piece "Just to make sure , there;s a lot of broken tat about" then once I'd exhausted that , change my mind and walk off leaving her to re-pack . "I think I'll just get it from Amazon, Thanks".)

But I wouldn't personally risk my health and waste my time at the moment .

TheVanguardSix · 02/05/2020 11:22

Robert Dyas has heaters in stock, by the way

WeAllHaveWings · 02/05/2020 11:22

Regardless of the shop or presence of ow don't take the kids on shopping trips during lockdown, you have other options.

Go days when dh isn't working nights
Go before/after he sleeps
Get him up for an hour so you can go alone (occasional broken sleep is part of parenting we all have to do)
Order online

SliAnCroix · 02/05/2020 11:25

''Primarily because I genuinely need the shop, partly because I don't want her to think she'll continue to drive me away from a place I should be able to visit at my convenience.''

I GET this but always prioritise what YOU WILL THINK OF YOU .

If you can look back on something and think, I defended a boundary there! or I did not react in anger! Or, I did not compromise my values there even though I was being pressured to....

It feeds back in to you and helps you tune out what other people think of you.

Believe me, I have spent the last 5-8 years figuring this stuff out the hard way.

thequeenbeyondthewall · 02/05/2020 11:26

Op can you get it from Argos and pick up from a sainsburys with an argos in.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:29

If you can look back on something and think, I defended a boundary there! or I did not react in anger! Or, I did not compromise my values there even though I was being pressured to....

This is true. I think I handled things with as much dignity as possible when everything came to light.

She tried to draw me into conflict and get a reaction but what I did was ignore her completely, didn't bite, and called the police when she crossed the line - all without engaging her at all.

There were times when I did wish I gave her both barrels but am thankful I kept the moral high ground, so to speak.

I've ordered DS' heater from Amazon and it'll be here in a few days, all being well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:29

I did consider Argos to then collect at Sainsbury's but the closest Sainsbury's is quite a way away so I figured Amazon was the best bet.

OP posts:
Mapril · 02/05/2020 11:30

God forbid your husband get up a bit a bit earlier Hmm

Notredamn · 02/05/2020 11:32

If it's an emergency, I'd wake your DH the fuck up to watch his own kids while you go out for the item.
If it wasn't for the lockdown, I'd take the kids and think nothing of it. It's not like you'll be acknowledging each other.

SliAnCroix · 02/05/2020 11:32
Wine

Don't go back to the wound.

Holistic approach required. Look after yourself. Keep reminding yourself of who you are.

I know it's hard when you have young kids. I lost sight of myself at that point in my life anyway.

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/05/2020 11:36

I have read the thread so know you have now ordered online..

I do beleive if a year on you won't shop in a large shop she works in that you used weekly you have more owrk to do..

Obviouly your choices are limited now but do think forward once this is over ..

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/05/2020 11:37

Please don’t get into the going there looking great with an air if I don’t give a fuck - it’s so transparent

Why women are encouraged to to this I don’t know (like looking great when you might see an ex so he knows what he is missing 🙄 ) a man would never be advised to act in such a way.

Just keep yourself safe emotionally. There is no winners in this situation you just have to get on with your lives

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:38

Thanks for talking me out of it, I worked myself up into a right anxious stress even considering it.

It was much simpler to just order it online and steer clear.

A naive part of my thinking thought perhaps if I got it out of the way and showed my face then I could draw a line under it and not feel as though she continued to have any power over me.

I was also pissed off that I even need consider something like this because I should be free to shop where I like and DS shouldn't have to go without a heater for a few days because of something DH and some other twit had done to us

I think this deliberation this morning has shown me that I'm nowhere near over it and I need to focus my energy on healing.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 11:39

Astonished and sad - but not surprised really - that this is YOUR problem.

And the lying, cheating little fuckwit that caused it all? Sleeping like a baby.

DH won't go there, i had to involve the police due to her behaviour when he ended things.

I don't see why 'D'H is being given the choice, myself.

Or whether his sleeping schedule even takes priority.

'H, I need X so you need to go to X shop, you'll have to get up 2 hours earlier/go to the shop before you come home to sleep.'

Maybe start turning all this around and start having the opinion that the problems which stem from his actions are up to him to sort to make sure they don't impact on you.

And if his balls were big enough to stick two fingers up at your marriage, he can fucking well find the guts to go into a shop for you.

Notredamn · 02/05/2020 11:41

It's only transparent if you don't always look great nor give much of a fuck, enthusiasm.