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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shop where the OW works?

274 replies

Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:14

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 02/05/2020 10:59

Can't believe you still call him DH, to be quite honest. I hope he's proving to be a better man than he was and that your marriage heals. I mean this sincerely, not cynically.

Anyway, about the other woman and shopping where she works, don't do it to yourself, OP. Why upset yourself?

YgritteSnow · 02/05/2020 11:00

No one looks cool and chic with kids in tow.

Grin So very true.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:00

I would make myself look fab, go in and hold my head up eye. If you see her, make eye contact and smile.

As it stands she's drove me away from a shop I previously used on a weekly basis.

But I'm not over it, so it's obviously a bad decision.

OP posts:
Queenest · 02/05/2020 11:01

I would make myself look fab, go in and hold my head up eye. If you see her, make eye contact and smile.

I wouldn’t be smiling at her.

I think avoid the shop. If it closed down tomorrow you would find an alternative.

Remind yourself why you’ve avoided going there for the past year.

QuillBill · 02/05/2020 11:02

So wake him up half an hour earlier then.
I wouldn't go,with a pram and children to a large supermarkets right now as it's quite stressful never mind one where my hushed had an affair with one of the employees and where that employee had harassed me and where I had complained to the management.

Candyfloss99 · 02/05/2020 11:03

**No one looks cool and chic with kids in tow.

Very true. Leave them at home!

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 02/05/2020 11:05

For goodness sake, avoid the drama and just order from Amazon. A slight wait is surely better than the potential angst unless you thrive on drama llama behaviour

So going to a shop to get something, with the slight potential to see your husband's ex is 'drama llama behaviour'? Grin

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:05

Thanks all, I'm not going

My gut told me it's a bad decision and you've confirmed that. I feel anxious even considering it.

There was an element of "she won't continue to have an influence over where I do and don't shop, and I should be able to go in with my head held high"

Perhaps once some more time has passed.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 02/05/2020 11:05

Apart from the fact I would not be taking children shopping during the pandemic unless there was no other option yes I think you should continue to avoid shopping there.

Amammi · 02/05/2020 11:05

Have you a neighbour who could pop into the shop and buy the item on your behalf?

SliAnCroix · 02/05/2020 11:06

Just read the thread again, all the comments.

OP, you chose to stay with your cheating husband so think about it logically. What do you need? Do you need it today? Is this the nearest shop?

If you can do without this item until Tuesday don't go in.

Be honest with yourself, is the a part of you that is subconsciously looking to unpick this because it is not dealt with yet. If so, there has to be a better way.

Maybe you are sublimating feelings that you have compromised your integrity by accepting this and your subconscious is telling you to take a stand and your conscious mind is mired in cognitive dissonance and it's telling you to go and buy toilet paper in HER SHOP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2020 11:07

How long ago was the affair?

Crunchymum · 02/05/2020 11:07

Why would you be taking your kids? Confused

YgritteSnow · 02/05/2020 11:08

In answer to the OP. I wouldn't let something like this stop me from doing what I needed or wanted to do. I don't let other people and their shit ways stop me. If I feel apprehensive of someone's reaction or awkward or nervous about their possible response then for me it means I should not give in to it and just do it. If I needed the item and didn't want to wait I'd just go and get it. I'd ignore her completely. She wouldn't exist for me.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:09

Maybe you are sublimating feelings that you have compromised your integrity by accepting this and your subconscious is telling you to take a stand and your conscious mind is mired in cognitive dissonance and it's telling you to go and buy toilet paper in HER SHOP

Quite possibly, except it's not toilet paper Blush

I can and will order on Amazon.

There is a contributing factor of defiance as to why I wanted to go.

Primarily because I genuinely need the shop, partly because I don't want her to think she'll continue to drive me away from a place I should be able to visit at my convenience.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 02/05/2020 11:10

There are lots of reasons not to go, but the main one is that you are clearly still unable to put the affair in the past. I don't blame you at all for that.

Whatever the item is, it won't be worth the ag of seeing her if she is still there. Ordering from Amazon is the right decision for you.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:10

It was a year ago.

I was only having to take the DC because DH is sleeping, it wouldn't be open for me to go to by the time he gets up.

OP posts:
SliAnCroix · 02/05/2020 11:11

@Possiblyunreasonabl3 The right choice I think.

It must be hard to do things that make you feel valuable when you stayed in this relationship for practical reasons, but if there is anything that you can do to enforce your own identify and value, focus on that.

A lot of women take at least some of their value from being one half of a couple, or being ''loved'' by a partner.

Tune all of that out.

I know you have young kids and I'm going to take you at your word that you can't won't leave now, so focus on strengthening your own sense of yourself. Have you read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.

That is a very simple book but it gave me the nudge to take up a few pastimes that really fed my soul. Reminded me who I was. Not just a woman trying to make ends meet (I am a single parent).

Also, free audio book on youtube, Nathaniel Brandon 6 pillars of self-esteem. Particularly chapters on self-efficacy. You probably feel a bit powerless right now if you stayed in the relationship for practical reasons.

mypoorfurbaby · 02/05/2020 11:11

I wouldn't
I have a zoom meeting that the OW will probably be in. I plan to mute and not have the video on

carriebreadshaw · 02/05/2020 11:14

The kids will pick up on your stress and it will be horrible for them. Not to mention that they shouldn't be at the shops unless it's totally unavoidable (single parents etc.)

I'm intrigued as to what is is that you need to get?

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 11:14

SliAn, no I haven't read that book or heard the other audio book but I will look for them. You are pretty much spot on in your observations.

Mypoorfurbaby, that sounds like a wise choice. I'm sorry you're faced with the need to have to do it.

OP posts:
SliAnCroix · 02/05/2020 11:14

Ach a year is nothing sweetheart. [hug]

It is nothing at all.

I left an abusive man 13 years ago, I thought I'd be ''over it'' in a year or so. But all of the healing and growing past the need for other people to feel remorse, or shame, or even acknowledge the damage they did to you, it takes more than a year.

I think wounds are still very fresh after a year.

RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds · 02/05/2020 11:15

Phone the store manager. Ask if she still works there and if so, ask what days or times is she not in. When asked for an explanation tell them she has harassed you in the past and you know she works there as she was in her work uniform so you would feel uneasy coming to shop while she was there. Were the police ever involved? I'd mention that too. Also say you would like to keep this private.

Talia99 · 02/05/2020 11:15

Ordering from argos may well be quicker and they tell you the delivery day

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/05/2020 11:16

I’d shop there!

You did nothing wrong, your DH and the ow are the people that should be embarrassed.

So what if she’s told other staff, if I was them I’d be ashamed of her behalf. She’s admitted to carrying on with married men ffs most would agree that makes her a bit of a cunt.

I’d just smile and be polite as I would to any shop worker, it’s basic manners and your DH choose to say with you 🤷🏻‍♀️