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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shop where the OW works?

274 replies

Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:14

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My DH had an affair with a woman who works at a place I used to shop at often. The affair is long over but we are not completely past it. The woman was a complete and utter cunt to me (DH more so of course, but she was extremely spiteful)

I have avoided the place for a year now out of embarrassment, I know several of the staff there to talk to and have felt too humiliated to show my face because they all know what DH has done.

Due to the lockdown most places are closed and I happen to need a handful of things from this shop in particular, would you go if you were me?

If she was there how would you react?

I'm getting angsty just thinking about it but I don't see why I should avoid the place for the rest of my life, especially since I've been going to the place long before she worked there.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Nogoodusername · 02/05/2020 10:49

Your ‘DH’ has put you in this situation, he should be the one driving around to find another shop that sells what you need. Otherwise, wait until he wakes up, leave the kids with him and go yourself. Or wake him up early and go - it’s his fault you are in this position so he can lose a bit of sleep over it

BlackAndWhiteCat01 · 02/05/2020 10:50

Tbh it will probably trigger you and I wouldn’t recommend it

Alb1 · 02/05/2020 10:50

Just go, she won’t be able to be rude to you and get away with it anyway. But don’t take your kids, if it’s that important to have it now then DH can get up early and watch the kids, if she harassed you to the point of needing to phone the police then I think it is unreasonable to risk having her around your children, plus they would also be at risk from the virus so it certainly doesn’t seem right to take them.

MorrisZapp · 02/05/2020 10:50

I wouldn't do it with kids in tow. Or just walk past, eye the place up and if she's there come back another time. It'll almost certainly upset you to see her, possibly bringing back old feelings of hurt and anger. And there's nowhere to put those feelings on lockdown is there.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:51

Yes I've decided I'll not bother, it's not worth the anxiety it's causing me from just considering it.

I'll order what I need from Amazon.

It's a large superstore so the chances of bumping into her are small, but I'm friendly with a few other staff members and as I said she also has a relative working there so she's likely to find out I've been and given her past behaviour would probably take that as me being provocative. She's unhinged.

OP posts:
Kraejka · 02/05/2020 10:51

Fuck that.
Go to the shop. I know you are anxious but you need the item.
If she approaches you and gives you any hassle just walk away and ask to speak to the manager.
Chances are she isn't there anyway and you're worrying about nothing. She could be on her day off, she might have been sacked for the previous incident, she might have been furloughed - anything.
And even if she is there - fuck her. You've done nothing wrong.

Bluetonic41 · 02/05/2020 10:51

Off the topic slightly but we are supposed to be on lockdown, taking 2 kids to a shop if not essential, you have a 'D'H at home, surely he doesnt sleep every hour of the shops opening times 7 days a week??

Gazelda · 02/05/2020 10:51

Surely the delay in accessing the item is far better than the anxiety you're going through at the moment, the potential upset if you see her, the fallout if she re-starts her campaign having been triggered by seeing you, the bad mood you'll feel for the rest of the day (I know I would) at your DH for having started this whole thing off etc etc etc.
There's zero chance you'll go in there, bump into her, smile and feel superior then happily get on with the rest of your day without another thought.
Don't go.

Zomblie · 02/05/2020 10:52

I would go if I had to, but I would literally just be grabbing what I needed to, paying and leaving, no talking, no making eye contact, no engagement at all.

Is it a shop with a self serve option that you need to go to, or can you do a click and collect option?

supadupapupascupa · 02/05/2020 10:52

I would go. If she's there she will be working so is no threat to you. Go in all smiles and rise well above it all. Make her believe you won!! Don't give her this power over you!

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 02/05/2020 10:53

If she was there how would you react?

Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. No really, like PP have said, hold your head up act like she doesn't exist and let her squirm.

Ginisatonic · 02/05/2020 10:53

I wouldn’t go if I were you. Order on Amazon. Things are being delivered reasonably quickly. Or, if it’s a small electrical item what about Argos?

WeAllHaveWings · 02/05/2020 10:53

Leave the kids with dh, he can go to sleep later/get up earlier /get up for an hour while you go. You shouldn't be taking kids to shops right now when you have another option.

Go in, get what you need, be civil, leave. If there is any negative reaction, ignore.

Or go without whatever you need. Is it really essential?

crustycrab · 02/05/2020 10:53

You are taking the kids with you shopping? Why?

I doubt they've sacked her because she smashed up his car or similar in her Asda uniform.

"husband-stealing piece of shit" Hmm ok

ScarletFever · 02/05/2020 10:54

You shouldn't be taking the children out wait til he gets up and either you go, showing her (and family member) that you dont give a shit, or he goes

TerribleCustomerCervix · 02/05/2020 10:54

Having an affair with your OH is hardly 'representing the company', it has nothing to do with them and she would have a could case against them were she fired!

OP has clearly said that OW was wearing the uniform while committing a crime, resulting in a police visit. And yes, that would be a potentially sackable offence for most retailers.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/05/2020 10:54

I 'get' the reasoning that you've done nothing wrong so why should you be the one who has to change her behaviour? But only you know the answer to your own dilemma, as the whole thing hinges on your feelings. If you could genuinely shop there and not give a damn about what she thinks, fair play. But from what you've been writing I don't think this is the case. You're not over the affair. You're procrastiating over this and it's clearly still painful. And she's volatile, and actually received a visit from the police caused by her behaviour to you. Not exactly a harmonious blend, is it?

Leaving the whole issue of the affair as an aside, I would not be shopping in place where one of the employees had harrassed me and received a police visit because of it. That seems to be asking for further trouble. Nor would it endear you to the police if the whole thing flares up again: you know what their first question to you will be.

I'm more than capable of having a confrontation where it's due and if it will lead to some form of productive outcome. But I'm also careful to choose my battles. This isn't one I'd be expending my energy on fighting. I'd do my shopping online and stay the hell away.

Original poster
Possiblyunreasonabl3 · 02/05/2020 10:55

As far as I'm aware the shop is operating under reduced opening hours so by the time DH gets up I don't think I'd make it there in time.

OP posts:
Flippinfurloughed · 02/05/2020 10:56

It’s already causing you anxiety - the whole trip is going to cause you huge emotional un-settlement, and for the only gain of an electrical item being brought home today instead of being delivered with a slight delay.

It isn’t worth it!

Also, this is your husbands problem to sort “Dh we need x item from this store. I don’t feel comfortable getting it because of what happened, please can you sort out a solution”.

You have enough to be dealing with!

AnPo · 02/05/2020 10:57

I think you need to drop the drama. You know you shouldn't go there. Order whatever it is online and wait a couple of days, I'm sure you'll survive.

Upsetting yourself and dragging your child in (totally unnecessary nights or no nights, but I can imagine the reason you want the child in tow...) is not worth it.

You've decided to stay in your marriage for whatever reason so you need to move past this. Going in to that shop is not going to to help that in any way shape or form.

RoxanneMonke · 02/05/2020 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flippinfurloughed · 02/05/2020 10:57

And If that means him losing an hours sleep then that’s a small price to pay for I’m sure the MANY hours sleep you lost when you discovered his affair!

SliAnCroix · 02/05/2020 10:57

Just shop there if it's the most convenient option. That will signal to her that you've stopped overthinking it all and that you've moved on and that you're not angry. I don't work in a shop and I haven't had an affair with a married man but if the wife of my xbf had avoided the shop for a few years and then suddenly came back in I'd assume she no longer gave a fuck.

HoppingPavlova · 02/05/2020 10:58

For goodness sake, avoid the drama and just order from Amazon. A slight wait is surely better than the potential angst unless you thrive on drama llama behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2020 10:58

I know you said you'll be ordering from Amazon now but it would've been so simple for your DH to get up a bit earlier and mind the kids.

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