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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

239 replies

puzzledgirlispuzzled · 02/05/2020 08:04

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

OP posts:
aquashiv · 03/05/2020 12:59

Not the criminal record but the heavy weed smoking.

Thelnebriati · 03/05/2020 13:10

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt

Have you heard of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt? Look into that, and don't let it rule your choice of partner. You don't owe anyone a relationship. You aren't his counsellor or saviour, you can't fix things for him, you don't need to fix him.

Its not that he's a bad person and you are a good person;' its that his lifestyle will have a negative impact on yours, your chances at University, and your child.
Let go and walk away.

CrazyToast · 03/05/2020 13:12

OP I once was romantically involved with a guy who was a dealer. Underneath all the hustle he was sweet and clever and quite vulnerable, from a very difficult background. I felt for him. But I quickly decided that he would bring nothing positive into my world. I didn't want to be involved with crime, even just by knowing what he did. He would talk about going legit but it was easier quicker money, to deal.

A year after we stopped associating, he went to prison.

You don't need this stuff in your life, believe me.

Muckycat · 03/05/2020 13:28

My degree profession is working with businesses and commercial clients to establish and he seemed drawn to this, it was nice to feel valued and intelligent but I soon came to the realisation that if his dreams were to become a reality it would be me doing most of the hard work

call me cynical but I think I could see how this would go. You would invest time and effort into this- business plans, helping him apply for business loans, drawing up marketing materials etc. He would be thankful and you would feel you were doing something good for someone.

Then the enterprise would likely not take off because successful fitness instructors have to work hard to establish a reputation and client base, stay on top of nutrition and sports science developments etc. Sounds like a lot of effort going on his past form. Then where would the blame fall? With you. For not lending him money or not giving him enough guidance when you have an essay deadline or whatever.

Better to invest the time in your own future and your DC's.

Original poster
puzzledgirlispuzzled · 03/05/2020 13:45

@Muckycat that is exactly what my gut feeling tells me and has been telling me, for whatever reason (which I am trying to address with counselling) I have been somewhat suppressing these feelings until now.

I have previously helped him deal with fines ect, only for him to go ahead and incur more fines and ask for my help again.

OP posts:
ContessaferJones · 04/05/2020 07:05

On top of everything else, he thinks (strongly enough to state it clearly to others) that he is a catch and that his past girlfriend was a fool to dump him. Yeah, no. That alone would be a red flag for me but here it's just the top of the bunting. You have made a wise decision to avoid him op, although it does sound like he's not used to being told no and will pursue you out of a sense of wounded entitlement.

Futurenostalgia · 04/05/2020 08:03

You are actually giving him money?

QualityFeet · 04/05/2020 08:12

I said this before but really your boundaries need major support. There is so much in what you say that will keep making you vulnerable to chancers and worse.

jackdawdawn · 04/05/2020 09:07

Oh no. So he is milking you for money and coming back for more, not even money for anything worthwhile, but his fines for criminal behaviour - OP, you are just too nice and this man is a manipulative so-and-so. This is beyond an ill judged relationship - this is the beginning of abuse.

Women who are young - you sound young - have so many problems with their self esteem! They set too low a value on themselves. You need to value yourself much, much highly. Many women who are older will tell you this, not just me. Just walk away, you don't owe him anything, even as a friend, if he is constantly tapping you for a bail out.

JudyCoolibar · 04/05/2020 09:14

It's not surprising he was continuing with his criminal behaviour if he could persuade some other mug to pay the fines for him.

jackdawdawn · 04/05/2020 09:16

I'd also add that most heavy cannabis users, who are having trouble making ends meet, are very prone to turn to dealing and cultivating. I had an ex who did this. Behind my back, in the attic of our fucking home. It was weeks before I found out. Believe me, men like that don't care. Do you think he may want to use you for something like that, if he is still living with his mum? If he has a CR and no job, he will struggle to rent a property on his own.

Original poster
puzzledgirlispuzzled · 04/05/2020 13:09

@jackdawdawn yes you are right I have issues and realise I have been prone to being easily manipulated in the past, something I am trying to address with firstly ending this relationship/friendship and also counselling. Smile

He does not live with his mum, he rents his own place but struggles with paying rent and is always worried about being evicted. I have in the past felt bad and helped him out financially, as our friendship has been ongoing for years. I realise there is no chance of seeing my money back don't worry Wink

I have told him I need a break from this (a permanent one) and have avoided all communications the last few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
puzzledgirlispuzzled · 04/05/2020 13:11

Also have enjoyed the peace and quiet in my head since ending this as no longer have to listen to him drone on endlessly about his ex-girlfriend and how terrible she is and how he wants to always get one over on her all the time Wink

OP posts:
Futurenostalgia · 04/05/2020 13:27

He’s not going to let you go easily if you are supporting him financially. He needs you. You need a plan for what to do if/when he contacts you.

Original poster
puzzledgirlispuzzled · 04/05/2020 13:46

My plan: Ignore, mute/silence on all social media and no communication

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 04/05/2020 14:01

He does not live with his mum, he rents his own place but struggles with paying rent
OP.....if someone is 'struggling' to pay rent/bills yet can afford weed/cigs/alcohol/Xbox live etc...then they're not truthfully struggling.
They're just choosing to prioritise their own habits above practicalities - and have perfected their manipulation techniques to get others to fund their lifestyle.

Does it not sound iffy to you that he claims his ex 'misses' him financing her - yet it's YOU who's financing his rent?
He's full of shit.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/05/2020 14:04

i say this as a long time weed smoker myself.
I got my first job at 15 yrs old and have worked ever since.....making sure my rent is always paid.
There's been occasions where i've spent my last penny on weed - and then went without something else as a consequence.
I never tried to wheedle anyone else into giving me money to pay off essentials just cos i was having issues managing my smoking Shock

Bananalanacake · 04/05/2020 14:29

Was going to say you can date him without living with him but I wouldn't bother due to the daily weed smoking.

strawberry2017 · 04/05/2020 14:32

Sorry but there is nothing appealing about your description of him.
I don't think this is the type of person you want in your life or your DC.

Purpleartichoke · 04/05/2020 14:35

A criminal record is not an automatic veto for me. Some people do make a mistake and turn their lives around to become perfect, trustworthy citizens.

The man the op is describing is not one of those people.

DollyDoneMore · 04/05/2020 14:42

He is probably going to struggle to accept this

This is much more of a red flag for me than his criminal record.

In this case, I don’t think using language like “I need a break” will help you. You don’t need a break. The words you are looking for are “It’s over. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Troubledmummy3 · 04/05/2020 15:03

Oh my days... is this a real post? If it is it's a no from me! In fact I'd probably move!!

Original poster
puzzledgirlispuzzled · 04/05/2020 18:23

@Troubledmummy3 haha yes unfortunately a real post.

I am actually moving within six months anyway Wink

OP posts:
LadyLeucadia · 04/05/2020 18:27

Your love can't save him. Think of your child if not yourself.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 04/05/2020 18:27

I mean, obviously YANBU for not choosing to date anyone for any reason at all. I'd personally say that the heavy use of weed is more concerning tho - lots of people have made bad decisions in the past and now moved on - but he's continuing to make high risk choices which you probably don't need in your life.

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