To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

[puzzledgirlispuzzled]

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

Do not date this man, run for the hills!!

That criminal record in the past is inevitably going to come bouncing back into the present in the near future, and he won't continue to escape prison.

Walk away. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I dated (well married) someone with a similar background, didn't want to judge, everyone deserves a 2 nd chance etc. Bloody disaster, run and run fast

No.

My boyfriend looks awful on paper (serious mental illness, ex drug addict) but he’s now straight and very healthy. He doesn’t glamorise his past and loves his new clean life; He expresses genuine regret at his past. I’ve never seen anyone buzz so much at things helping us decorate the Christmas tree or going for a day on the coast. He also looks after his mental health so he stays well.

Your boyfriend is really still in a criminal mindset. If he smokers weed he’ll always have “money problems “. This man is playing on the fact you care about him to get your love and attention. This man is an adult, if he wants to be happy he’ll have to look at his life and make changes, he can do that without you.

Get a fun, supportive family oriented bloke and go very slowly, you have a child to protect.

Lots of people have had troubled backgrounds and made poor choices. What stand out for me is that he is a perpetual risk taker - it’s in his DNA - there will always be some rule to flout or risk to take. I wouldn’t want my DC around someone like that. You deserve better OP.

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot

This is the most disturbing part of your post. You don't owe him anything. You are not there to fix him or be the balm for his own troubles. You matter as a person in your own right, not just as medicine for someone else.

Stop thinking like this. Relationships are about mutual support and respect and friendship. Not about one person 'giving' to another.

Run. Find yourself a nicer class of person, DON’T have a child with him

Hills. Run. Sorry but relationships are difficult enough without starting one with someone who has so many destructive behaviours. The heavy weed smoking alone makes people apathetic and unbothered. The tendency to look towards criminal solutions to problems shows a total lack of coping strategies, strength of character and morality.

Don’t go there. You don’t need all this shit bringing into your lives.

I'm all for people with bad pasts turning their life around but this man is not one of them. He still has a lazy criminal mind and is telling you that is who and what he still is, even if its one with a nice side.

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot

This is the bit that puts you at risk from this chancer and every other drug taking opportunist that spots a soft woman. You owe this idiot nothing. You need HIGHER STANDARDS for your son if nothing else otherwise you’ll be inviting social services into your life. Not to mention posting in twenty years about the drug taking criminally minded man child you’ve raised and can’t get out of the house.
Your uni may be able to offer counselling if you need it - it might be worth identifying what resources are available for you to access and really work on your own self-esteem.

As to your feeling of guilt because he had a difficult life, that's his problem, don't make it yours or your sons. Besides, plenty of people have difficult lives and manage to keep themselves out of trouble.

Precisely. You only have to read a few Mumsnet threads to see that. Everyone has a choice when it comes to living their own life.

Like other PPs, I'm concerned at you saying that you would feel guilty about turning him down. That's the worst possible reason for going out with someone. This man's happiness isn't your responsibility, but your DS is, and a man like this would be a very poor role model for him (and that's what he would become if he became the man in your life.

Run like the wind. You know this isn't a good idea, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. It could be different if you didn't have a small child, but I'd think of her. This bloke sounds like a waster.

I did date a guy who had a criminal past when I was 18, (we both had crappy childhoods so could empathise) he did do jail time and I had to talk him out of getting revenge on people who witnessed his crime and testified against him, he was incredibly charming and a master manipulator though, he actually dumped me because I was going to university and it would have been inconvenient for him. I thank my bloody stars I dodged that bullet, I'm married to the lovliest guy in the world and its eye opening after years of abuse from those closest to me and therefore expecting abuse in romantic relationships that not being abused or have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour is a viable option.

The person you're talking about dating has not changed and will drag you down, him caring for his Mum does not vindicate him for his current ongoing criminality and associations.

You have a son, please realise you deserve better for both your sakes.

Also the “I’m tempted to do criminal thing A or B” is him testing your boundary. Even before you’re in a fully fledged relationship he wants to see what you’ll tolerate. And then ramp it up. What would you do if your home and your child’s home became the place where all this criminal activity took place?

And I agree about the guilt because he’s had a difficult life etc etc. A good percentage of people have had difficult lives and have overcome a lot. I’ve been through soap opera worthy nightmare situations including financial abuse and fraud by my ex that left me homeless and with debt of over 250,000. At no stage did I think about a criminal solution to the huge problems I was left to deal with. I just doggedly worked through them for years till I got some sort of life sorted out again.

Stressful situations and adversity show up a persons true character.

To be fair you are doing him a kindness by not going out with him.
Dating him reinforces his belief that his lifestyle is ok by other people.
I’d tell him the weed smoking is a no and that you aren’t interested anymore. Don’t make a big deal of it,he has to change you don’t heed to guilt him into it. He’s just not for you.

YOU DO NOT OWE A RELATIONSHIP TO ANYONE

"I don't feel like it" is a good enough reason, you don't need any excuses.

And in the present case, you would be very unwise to go there: this man doesn't so much have a dodgy past as a dodgy present.

Constant weed smoking is going to mean sharing your life with someone who isn't really there, who puts the drug before you, who doesn't pull his weight. It's going to have an effect on finances, may well lead him into other crime, especially as you know he is already that way inclined.

The reckless driving- do you want to be there when he kills someone?

The criminal friends- do you want your son around those?

If you entered this relationship out of pity, you might feel obliged to stay in it out of pity- what kind of influence would that be on your son when he becomes a preteen? YOub boys can be difficult enough to guide as it is: I remember how anxious I was when mine reached his teens and so many of his friends became dealers or otherwise involved in criminal activities- at least it wasn't his dad!

You put your child before a man.

He takes illegal drugs. If this was me, that would be deal-breaker enough, nevermind the other stuff.

He had a bad upbringing. So what? Most people have had SOMETHING happen to them. We don't all done out on a sob story for the rest of our lives.
You don't risk your child's physicals, mental and emotional health because you think somebody deserves a chance!

I am absolutely mystified by this thread.

It's like you picked all the things I would never tolerate in a partner, bundled them together in a package, and said shall I?

He's lazy, already has days he doesn't do anything/is negative/can't work, smokes cannabis all the time, is bad with money, has dodgy friends and prepared to do illegal things.

The only nice thing you said is that he's caring- yes, if he's her carer then he's PAID to care for his mother, so it would be a bit odd if he didn't then go and actually do some caring (and more than one visit a day is probably expected). If he's not paid, it still doesn't cancel out the fact he's a stoned dodgy guy who will drag you down with him.

I'm actually worried for you, at least you asked on here, as I think you know that even if he's attractive to you, he's really bad news. Please protect yourself and your child.

God no, who needs the drama?

Walk. Away. Or run, if you’re sensible.

I would date someone with a criminal record, depending on what the offence was. I wouldn’t date a heavy cannabis user.

And work on your self-esteem before looking for another man. If you can't say 'no' to a man you hardly know just because you feel bad, you've got more serious problems than you think.

Sounds like a real peach... This one's a nope...

OP, please give your poor child some consideration.

Why on earth would you bring a drug user near your child.

Please give your head the biggest wobble.