To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

[puzzledgirlispuzzled]

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

I wouldn't be involved with anyone that smoked cannabis heavily let alone a criminal record especially if I had a child, not a chance no matter how nice they were x

No way. if it was a historical record and he had turned things completely around and lived a decent, law abiding life then I might be able to move past it depending on the crime and effect on his ability to work now.

It's not that though. His criminal behaviour is ongoing with the drugs and driving, and worse stuff is pretty close to the surface when you mention that he considers resorting to illegal forms of income.

You don't need this example for your DC and you don't need the trouble yourself. Crack on with uni and building a good career.

Shame about his bad childhood. Nobody deserves that but quite frankly, it is his problem to reconcile, not yours. He will drag you down one way or another if you get involved. Don't let that happen.

Run away and don't look back

clearly a selfish prick who doesn't give a damn about anyone else - illegal and dangerous driving, drug use (supports all sorts of crime) and all the other stuff.

you cannot possibly be that desperate.

There is part of him that is ambitious and wants a decent, legitimate income

Trouble is, with a background like this legitimate employers won't touch him with a bargepole, so it'll be straight back to "poor me, I tried ..." and probably supplying steroids at that "exercise class"
And yes he might help his dear old mum, but then he's got little else to do, and if he had she may not see him for dust

As a PP said, the question isn't if you should bother with him as that answer's obvious; the question is why you'd even consider it

No no no no no.

You are at a crossroads, OP. Which life will you choose for your child? The one where he has a Mum who is amazing, got a degree whilst caring for him when he was little, got a career, met someone great on the way?

Or the one where part way through that degree Mum got mixed up with some loser weedhead, who because she is kind allowed said loser to drag her and her child down to no degree, no career, and living a dead beat life?

You and your child deserve the first one.

And how is this man working with children offering exercise classes if he’s got a criminal record? No DBS check?

You're an intelligent woman. Doing a degree with a 4 year old, well done!

You can do so much better than this waste of space. Focus on your son, your education and career. The right person who will love your son as his own may or may not come along in your life. Your boy comes first.

And do NOT, at any stage, feel sorry for him. Many many people come from extremely difficult backgrounds. They don’t turn to weed and a “dropout” style of adulthood. He is not a thing you can fix, no matter how much you care for him.

Please pay VERY CLOSE attention to what NearlyGranny has said about the kinds of men who ensnare and batten on single women with children! There are hundreds if not thousands of them and I expect many seemed charming and plausible at first glance.

The whole of dating is all about discrimination and discernment, trying to find who is right for you. This man doesn’t sound right for any woman. You’ve got a lot on your plate right now and you don’t need another dependent to take care of. He’ll be a millstone around your neck and will be harder to shake off than a case of boils. Run!

The Krays were good to their mum too.

Thank you all for your replies.

I have already chosen to make the decision to distance myself from this guy as the reasons you have all said, are non-comprisable for me. I do not want my son around this and am thankful that the two have not met.

He is probably going to struggle to accept this but the geographical distance goes in my favour.

Good to hear OP, hope things go well for you.

Well done OP.

Park your liberal guilt: let him be the project if someone who has less to lose.... i.e the security of a child. Or better still let him sort himself out rather than hook up with women who believe that they can help him change....to their own detriment.

I speak from experience...luckily only 8 years of my life, I delayed motherhood waiting for him to change, got out and found someone with better boundaries around their own behaviour.... and 5 years later ex , having continued his behaviour, ended up in prison.

Are you actually already in a relationship with him?

What do you mean by you have chosen to distance yourself from him?

No way. The cannabis smoking would be enough of a red flag for me, let alone the dodgy friends and criminal past. I wouldn't entertain a relationship with someone like at for a second.

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life...
Date someone because you're attracted to them, not because you feel sorry for them.

Criminal activity, dodgy friends, and drug use? I'd be off like Mo Farah.

If you really want to help people like him from difficult backgrounds, the way to do that should be through work (social work/probation) or volunteering as a prison visitor or in a youth club. Not by forming a relationship with a criminal or drug user in the misguided belief that you can change him.

I'm glad to see that this thread has helped you to make the decision to pull away. Yes he'll be upset but he has only himself to blame because the choices he's made.

You sound like a smart cookie OP.

Stick to your guns. I would actually block this guy everywhere once I had ended things, he sounds like a charmer and you dont want to get sucked back in.

Regarding the exercise classes. A very smart older friend calls men like this 'gonna guys'.

They're always talking big and 'gonna' do things which never materialise. E.g. start a business such as this, do a course, change their lives. They never do and it is never their fault.

Next time you are dating, look for someone who is your equal, not a fixer- upper.

To posters suggesting I have problems with feeling like I have to do something or am easily manipulated emotionally you are actually correct and this is something I have already began counselling to address

@muckycat hey you are spot on. There has been previous occasions where I have wanted to no longer remain friends or in contact and he has reopened contact so the complete block/remove seems the only viable option 🤷🏻‍♀️

@muckycat you are also right about these types of guys.

My degree profession is working with businesses and commercial clients to establish and he seemed drawn to this, it was nice to feel valued and intelligent but I soon came to the realisation that if his dreams were to become a reality it would be me doing most of the hard work

No matter how crap a man is, there’s always a woman willing to make him their ‘DP’.

He’s probably not even told you the half of it. Watch when his associates or the police kick in your door looking for the stash. Imagine that happening in the middle of the night with your DC screaming. I can’t even believe you’re considering it. If I were him I wouldn’t be able to believe my luck.

A life time of exasperation, unhappiness and possible abuse awaits.

RUN.

I wouldn't date the person you've described, no. Strangely enough, I was wondering about this kind of scenario just this morning. I watched a dog rescue video, where a former prisoner was reunited with the dog he cared for whilst he was inside. This man is out of prison now, early release a few years ago, and working with the animal shelter that his dog was rescued by. Anyway, he seems like a good man and kudos to him for changing his life, but it got me wondering if I'd get involved with an ex prisoner/convict. The answer might be yes, if they were completely reformed and also depending on the crime committed. However, it would be a definite no if they were still involved in criminal activity and mixing with similar characters, especially I had a child and a promising future ahead.

It is alarming as he does not realise the practicalities you have all mentioned. To him, he is a catch because he is loving, is willing to cook and clean and spend time with children and is not aggressive towards partners 🤷🏻‍♀️

To him, his ex-girlfriend is a fool for breaking up with him and he is of the opinion that she misses his financial help (given as and when he feels like it) however I can see how she may enjoy the peace and quiet of living a life free of the stresses of illegitimacy, criminal and anti-social/reckless behaviour.