To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

[puzzledgirlispuzzled]

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

In those circumstances I would run for the hills to be honest. It might be different if it was 15 years ago and he had completely turned his life around but that doesn't sound like it's the case. There's plenty of men out there, I think you and your child deserve better.

Nope.

My sisters and I had a very difficult upbringing, no criminality but very abusive. It made us vulnerable. There are five of us, three of have dated men just like the one you describe. We are older now and I can tell you their lives have been shit and two of these men ended up in prison and ones dc have also ended up in prison.

Your upbringing does shape you but feeling sorry for someone is never a reason to date them.

So why do you feel the need to rescue him op? Because that is the real issue. Plus him thinking about the exercise classes just shows how ridiculous he is in this time of lockdown it’s not viable currently is it. What was your childhood like?

The criminal conviction isn't so much of an issue - nobody is perfect.
However.....his current lifestyle and habits are an issue for you.
So, on that basis i say yanbu.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

It isn’t compulsory to have a partner, women are perfectly fine to not date someone for any reason.

First, you need to run. And it's really good that you're aware on some level that this is unacceptable and you're prepared to get out.

In the absolute nicest way, you really need to not be exposing your son to people like this and that might mean honestly examining why you were attracted to him in the first place.

Maybe it's low self esteem or you're craving excitement and are drawn to dangerous men or maybe you want to step in and be the hero and "fix" the men you date. Or maybe it's something else entirely. But whatever it is that drew you to him, it's probably not healthy and is something you should definitely explore and work on, for your child's sake. You owe it to him to make good choices in who you date.

Sorry if this sounds preachy, I mean it with kindness. I made some terrible dating decisions when I was young, mainly as a result of low self esteem in my case, and I shudder to think what my life would have become if I hadn't woken up to it.

You must know that flaky men are drawn to women with young children because they know councils will always house them? Men like him prey on women like you. If he once gets his feet under your table, he will have no reason to make any effort to earn or to contribute in the house and you will find yourself with two children, not one. The overgrown manchild will mooch and gloom around getting underfoot and demanding you fund his weed habit, which you will do to keep the peace and because he will be less trouble stoned than sober.

Who has raised these feelings of guilt in you about turning him down? Has he tried to convince you you have to have a reason not to go out with him? Is he convinced he's entitled to your time and attention? Why, what do you owe him? Unless you've run over his foot or accidentally flooded his house, you are under no obligation to him, even if he was a schoolmate or your brother's sometime best friend or somebody you swiped right on once because he looked as if he might be nice. Why should he batten on you when there are plenty of potential partners out there?

I can see what he woukd get out of a relationship with you; I can't see what you would get from a relationship with him except a world of trouble.

If you're having trouble saying no, practise in the mirror. Here are some things you could tell him. You don't date drug users/unemployed people/people with criminal associates. You aren't going to bend your rules for him. Your child comes first and you will not introduce instability into their life.

You could tell him he can contact you again when he's clean of drugs, has a permanent full-time job, has dropped his dodgy friends and can pass a DBS check. Not when he's planning or thinking about these things; when he's achieved them.

Why would you even consider this?

I'm shocked that you even have to ask.

I’m sorry but you are mad to be even considering a relationship with this person. If you did and you were my friend I’d be calling social services on you. I’d be running for the hills on the grounds of the cannabis use alone.

Let's get this straight, you want to get you AND your CHILD mixed up with a drug-addicted, criminally-minded dangerous driver?

Either this man is great in bed, or a millionaire.

I wouldn't let this man within shouting distance of me, let alone my young child.

OP, run HARD and FAST. There are much better catches out there than this one.

How can he be his mums carer when he only sees her once a week?

Why sign you and your child up to such a shitty life? Your love won’t change or fix him but his will drag you and your child right down to his low level.

I wouldnt even date someone who smoked weed let alone a record

You don't need a reason to call things off but based purely on your OP, you have at least 3.

YANBU - your job is to create a safe environment for your child. Having this person anywhere near would throw that into massive question

Run. Block. Live a happy life.

Many years ago I dated a lad who had a criminal record. He really wanted to join the RAF, but because of his conviction they wouldn't take him.

He was 18/19 when we were dating, he's now almost 50, and his life has turned out great; he started his own business at 20, is a happily married family man, spends a lot of time coaching kids rugby. He's a great bloke and unrecognisable from the bad lad he was all those years ago.

Being rejected knocked him for six - he was absolutely devastated, he learned a hard lesson.

OP - the man you are seeing sounds like a charmer who has managed to duck and weave through life so far. He's not your responsibility, he's wasted his life, don't let him waste yours.

His criminal record is irrelevant in this case as what he does now shows nothing has changed.

His being his mother's carer means nothing, he could be shit at it.

OP, why do you feel guilty?

Not unreasonable at all, walk away without guilt. You are not responsible for his bad start in life or any instances of him fucking up now.

It’s even more important as your D.C. is a DS. Do you want this man as a role model for him?

Disregard the criminal past if you like, but do you want to date someone who 'Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions'?

If your ever worried about a new partner having convictions related to abuse look up Clare's law and for a conviction related to sexual offences look up Sarah's law. They both give rights to be able to ring a number and do a check for a person's records and it does not go back to that person that you looked into it.

You don't need a reason not to be in a relationship. You can walk away just because you feel like it. Free will and all that.

Feeling bad about someone's childhood is NOT a solid foundation for a healthy relationship, you know that!

Beyond all of that though, the short answer is no. No your child shouldn't have someone like this in his/her life. Especially because he'll only be around due to mummy deciding that's who she wants to shag.

I did have a relationship with someone who had been inside when they were younger. He had a lot of good qualities but I could never quite trust him.

When we split up he said I had been good for him and kept him on the straight and narrow but I wanted an equal partnership with someone who did that naturally. It wasn’t my job to make sure he was on the right side of the law.

He is in his 50s now and still smoking weed day and night. He calls himself semi-retired when he has never managed to hold down a full-time job in his life.

No, no, no. This is an emotionally arrested man. There are more red flags than I can count. Drugs, awful friends, incompetent with money? He will bring you a lifetime of misery. You are not his fairy godmother and you don't need a man child, you have a child!

He is quick to consider criminal options when it come to resolving money difficulties? Run! He may not have been in prison, he soon will be with that attitude! Don't you think his money problems arise from his drug abuse?!

Reckless driving - with you and your son in the car? A man who is invariably stoned?

Believe me, I know this type of man from very sad personal experience. You cannot throw away your own potential on him. Talk about scattering pearls before swine. You are an educated woman -it is an amazing achievement to study as a single parent - and you need to prioritise your own needs and those of your child. A man like this will drag you to the depths, there are no positives. Please please please OP, there are better men, and no man is better than a useless one.