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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

239 replies

puzzledgirlispuzzled · 02/05/2020 08:04

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 02/05/2020 10:28

Whilst people can change, this is who he is op. Why would you date someone because you feel sorry for them?

My gs's dad was presented well in court. But the reality was that he had been offending since he was 14, violent offending which he plays down. It is always self-defence. As the last Judge said last time, his defence was farcical. How is punching someone walking away from you on the back of the head self defence?

The reality is he is a violent, abuser of women and drug taker. He has been convicted of ABH X 3, drink driving, criminal damage 3x in 12 months, his wife divorced him citing domestic abuse and finally GBH when he put someone in intensive care for 8 days. It is never, ever his fault. The drink driving was when he was about to drive down the motorway on the way back from family court.

You are a young woman who can do so much better. Believe me when I say he has played it all down. By the way the man I mention has never been to prison even for gbh because he pleaded guilty at the last minute so this is no guide.

AnotherMurkyDay · 02/05/2020 10:30

I think most people deserve a second chance, but this guy has not changed. Look at his behaviour now. He's used the "broken wing" tactic abusers do (I'm a poor injured soul you must love me or feel guilty), is using drugs and his social group is terrible. He also is bad with money and a reckless driver who doesn't see an issue with committing crime. He is not a rehabilitated functioning adult, he's a manipulative man child with a drug problem.

CherryPavlova · 02/05/2020 10:30

I don’t understand why women are even prepared to consider a drug taking, criminal. A difficult childhood does not mean you need to become a criminal adult.
Pity is not a good basis for an enduring relationship.

oakleaffy · 02/05/2020 10:35

RUNNNNN, FORREST, RUUUUNNNNNN..

Please don't get involved romantically with someone like this.
Just don't even go there. Dangerous driving? DUI?...with perhaps you and DC in vehicle?...just NOPE.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 02/05/2020 10:36

Is there a reason you need to date this guy?

Unless you working for some kind of government plan or charity to provide companionship for pointless losers with no redeeming features I don't know why you're even asking the question.

YetiAnotherNameChange · 02/05/2020 10:45

Depending on what the criminal record was for, how long ago and a few other factors, a criminal act in the past wouldn't be a 100% deal breaker for me.
The behaviour you described in your post would, though.
You are not responsible for "fixing" this person or compensating for their difficult life.

Kraejka · 02/05/2020 10:46

Good grief - no!
Why are you even asking? If you'd put a poll up I think 100% of people would say you shouldn't date him.
He's a reckless driver - that would put me off for a start. Had an ex who was like this - never again. Any signs of reckless driving or drink driving and out they go.
He smokes weed heavily. No way would I have someone like that round me or my child (if I had one).
He still considers criminal solutions when he has money difficulties. So a) he thinks like a criminal and b) he has money difficulties. I wouldn't want to go out with someone with ongoing money difficulties like that either.
And he has a criminal record. The criminal record itself wouldn't be that bad if it was obvious he had completely turned his life around and made a success of things. He hasn't and he isn't going to and he will drag you down with him.

You need to look at your own self-esteem and your boundaries. Why do you want to get involved with a loser like this?
You're at university with a 4 year old. You can go on and make a success of your life. Enjoy your course. Enjoy the time with your child. Enjoy making a life for yourself. If you are strong and happy you are less likely to get men like this preying on you.
You do not need to be in a relationship at all costs. It has taken me a long time to realize this. Society and the media makes women feel that success equates to being shackled to some man. It's perfectly ok to be single. Do not take up with some scumbag just to be in a relationship.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 02/05/2020 10:46

No! You can’t possibly want to live with someone like this, let alone wish this kind of life on your child. Run. This man is not your responsibility.

MrsTidyHouse · 02/05/2020 10:48

Are you already pregnant by him?

oakleaffy · 02/05/2020 10:51

OP, my guess its that he ''charmed'' you...... Perhaps he appeals with his ''bad boy'' image? Maybe he is physically attractive?

I once, many years ago dated a bloke like this...Found out he had lied about a lot of things. He too played the ''Poor me'' card, and I was naive enough to think I could 'change' him ....{no one can change another}
After he was unfaithful and lied, I cut all contact, but it was emotionally draining.
What was strange, my inner voice said ''bad idea'' at the outset....but I over-rode it.
Big mistake.
If you haven't also got inner doubts, why ask on a public forum?
You know the answer...he is bad news. :(

crosspelican · 02/05/2020 10:51

I'm horrified by the fact that you would ruin your life and your son's childhood because "I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot."

Have you struggled to say no to people in the past even when you know you should?

This man is bad news, start to finish. You have no obligation to "fix" him or save him from anything. Just drop contact completely and leave him to it. How far have things progressed already? It's never too late to ghost someone who is so patently bad for you.

Queenest · 02/05/2020 10:55

I think your future self would thank you for avoiding getting involved with this man.

You really don’t want all his baggage in your life.

In my past life I avoided a relationship for similar reasons and I am sooo glad I did.

You don’t want to be dealing with all his problems (and friend’s problems) when they come along, which they inevitably will.

oakleaffy · 02/05/2020 10:57

@Kraejka
If you are strong and happy you are less likely to get men like this preying on you.

Spot on! Men like this are practiced at targeting their next victim. They know how to 'charm'.. I have known otherwise sensible professional women be sucked in by men like this at low points in their lives.

pictish · 02/05/2020 11:03

I haven’t read the thread so sorry if I’m repeating...but really, you are not obliged to compromise your entire life, values system and risk your child’s stable upbringing because this guy had a hard time when he was young.

terrigrey · 02/05/2020 11:04

Why would you put yourself and your child in harms way by dating someone like this? Sad that you even have to ask, but now that you have, please listen to the advice of this thread.

LizzieLoafer · 02/05/2020 11:04

The wheels are already in motion of distancing myself from this guy and it helps that there is physical geographical distance.

OP how on earth did you get near somebody like this??

In what way would you ever come across a pothead on the dole and think 'how attractive, he could be a father figure to my child'??

You really need to up your standards.

pictish · 02/05/2020 11:06

Sounds like he’s very adept at tugging at your heartstrings anyway.
Hmm.

carriebreadshaw · 02/05/2020 11:09

All the time he's got the same friendship group there's not even a tiny chance he'll change. Why would you consider getting involved with someone like this?

And this is the stuff you know about!

FinallyHere · 02/05/2020 11:42

Alternatively, don't run. Stay out and block him on every channel.

Truthpact · 02/05/2020 11:46

Just block him and never speak to him again. He's not worth your time.

Dutchesss · 02/05/2020 11:49

I wouldn't let someone like this near my young child. Let alone date them.

Blackandgreenteas · 02/05/2020 12:02

No definitely don’t date him!

And don’t feel guilty. You aren’t obliged to date anyone for any reason.

Ilovecats14 · 02/05/2020 12:39

Run for the hills. Like my ex he would have done many many more things he did not get caught for, so does not show on his criminal record. My ex used his crap childhood (he was abused) for why he was such a violent, evil, drug taking, law breaking thug.

Ilovecats14 · 02/05/2020 12:44

You are putting this random man above your child by even contemplating it. Your son will have a rubbish child with this man involved. You will not be able to change him.

Ilovecats14 · 02/05/2020 12:45

Childhood*

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