To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

[puzzledgirlispuzzled]

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

It's not a criminal past. It's a criminal present.

Takes drugs
Considers committing crimes
Dodgy friends

You have a child

Run

Please don’t even consider having this man in your and your daughter’s life!
Apart from all the rest - he drives dangerously. Don’t ever put yourself or your four-year-old in his hands. He could kill you both.

No, wouldn’t if single and certainly not with children.

I’ve never dated anyone who did drugs though as it’s a deal breaker for me so that alone would have been it without all the extra stuff.

Go and the read the thread from the lady with the partner who smokes weed, won't get out of bed until lunchtime, does nothing with their child and forgot her birthday for the third time in a row.

Does that sound like a life you'd want? And that's JUST with the weed smoking, to say nothing of how being shackled to someone with criminal tendencies could affect the rest of your life.

Dear Lord, run. Why would you consider a nom (nominal record is given if stopped and details taken but not actually convicted. Uniform of hoody-up-grey tracksuit bottoms) who smokes drugs, consistently considers resorting to crime and is lazy? Horrible, horrible. I’ve taught many a kid with horrific childhood/background who haven’t turned into weed smoking noms. Ugh.

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt

Don't ever go out with someone because you feel guilty and presumably obliged to make their life better.

Go out with someone who you think is fantastic and who will enhance your life and that of your son's.

You’re describing my ex - scary how similar they are. I wasted 18 months with him and really fucked up my son in the process. I now have a non-mol in place as he kept harassing me after we split up. Honestly, it was 18 months of empty promises, excuses, frustration and disappointment. He’d stay up till the early hours smoking, miss work, hang out with stoner friends and then when finances became too strained, would do a coke deal. The profit from that was/is far too tempting and I expect it’ll always be his fall back when he needs some quick cash. Blaming his mum and his ex for his mood changes, he was completely devoid of any ownership of his actions, everything was always somebody else’s fault, always somebody or something else to blame. I was an idiot for letting our “relationship” continue for so long

I would leave quickly and before he becomes any more dependent on you.

You have no responsibility for his happiness and I sense that continuing to date him will affect yours. Clearly your values are very different from his.

I had a very charismatic boyfriend when I was in my 20s - he was from a broken home, turned to slightly illegal sources of income, always had an idea to get easy money. I went into counselling for another matter (my parents) and my therapist helped me realise that I was with my boyfriend for the wrong reasons which helped me to make the decision to leave him. I would have felt too guilty to otherwise. (His life worked out fine without me btw! He has a wife who is lovely but is happy to wheel and deal alongside him).

Good luck OP!

You already know it's a bad idea. He has scant respect for the law, and if he smokes weed, scant respect for himself so he won't respect you or your child.

Respect yourself and find someone who doesn't need saving. He will drag you down and ruin your child's life.

Hindsight and all that.

Honestly... It’s quite shocking you feel the need to ask the question. Do you need someone to tell you he has a good heart and you can change him? There will be people who will but honestly, that’s how so many women end in shit relationships.

I wouldn't be with him, nor would I feel guilty about it. His coming from a difficult background doesn't change the fact that you're incompatable, and it sounds like he is still probe to behaviours that he knows by now, as an adult, are wrong or undesirable.

*prone

Why did you do a second post, ‘explaining further’? It doesn’t matter. The fact that you would even consider this specimen as shag-worthy says a lot about your standards and self esteem. Any reply for the people who’ve typed posts on your thread?

Ok. I give in. Why would you date him?

This isn’t about some distant past mistakes, this is about who he is now. You should be running for the hills. Have you had a nice boyfriend who hasn’t had any issues? I’m only asking as it seems your baseline is very out of whack and I’m wondering why.

What do you hope from it though, OP? Do you hope that he will become a 'good' man, a good role model for your child, earn a decent living and surround you all with love and respect?

If you want that, find someone with a decent ethic to start with.

This man will have you scared every time you get in his car((has he been drinking? Smoking?) What about if you are out as a family? Will someone look at him the wrong way and he's start a race/showdown? Will someone he owes money to come looking for him with a weapon?)

Don't go near this man.

@electrical

Hello, I added further as I wanted to paint an accurate picture of him, good qualities and bad. By 'caring for his mum' I mean in he is actually his mum's carer as she is elderly and disabled.

I agree with posters and my mind is in the same place, to protect my future and my son's and not rely on promises or ill-informed hopes of a changed, different life. The wheels are already in motion of distancing myself from this guy and it helps that there is physical geographical distance.

I guess I wanted to see the response of other women on here and the insight they might share of similar relationships/friendships

OP, you are at University and are caring for a four year old.

Can I suggest you focus on them : on getting a decent degree, on finding a job and starting your career, on settling your child into school , and, in addition, raising your self esteem so that you look for partners who enhance your future, not drag it down to their level.

A relative of mine married someone with a criminal conviction and he did manage to turn his life around and they've been married for 20 years very happily but she is the main breadwinner as he can only get minimum wage jobs with his record.
The cannabis smoking around a 4 year old would be an absolute NO from me though. I don't tolerate drug use, not with a small child around or at any time. I can't stand stoners, they are a waste of space.
If you have a child you need to be MUCH more picky than this.

Why are you weighing this up? Does part of you actually really want to date him? It isn't clear why this is even a question in your mind. If someone wants to date you, you don't have to make a case for not dating them. You can just say no thanks.

Shouldn't even be a question op
Of course you shouldn't date him

To be blunt, you would be a pretty poor mother if you considered a relationship with this man. What an awful role model for your child. I don’t mean that to be horrible, and I’m glad you’re seeing the red flags.

It’s not your job to save him or understand him.
Your job is to build a good safe life for you and your son.

The issue is not the criminal record. Many people with these get their act together subsequently and then go on to live what most of us would consider successful lives.

The issue is how he lives NOW. Plenty of people with his lifestyle come from well off secure backgrounds in fact. I don't think you can or should make a causal link here TBH between his history and the drone druggy life.

It's his responsibility to prove himself worthy of being with you, and then he can choose as an adult whether he (a) wants a relationship with someone who makes good choices or (b) remains living like a teenager in scuzzyland. But he can't have both.

It's not your responsibility to suffer in the present so that he can indulge himself, refuse to progress, and blame it on his previous circumstances. It's his responsibility to transcend his past and learn to live in the here and now.

Give him a choice and see what he does, then you'll know, but don't take this on as he is, because if you do then nothing will change and you will suffer.

All the best