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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date someone with a criminal record?

239 replies

puzzledgirlispuzzled · 02/05/2020 08:04

Has had a difficult childhood and never spent any time in prison (but come close) and criminal record all in the past but I have a feeling downplays it and is still prone to reckless behaviour for example reckless driving after having license previously suspended.

Also know that when comes into money difficulties is quick to consider criminal options of income when previous conviction for fraud.

Heavily smokes cannabis and has a lot of friends with similar backgrounds and criminal convictions

I have a four year old, am in University and not involved with this kind of life at all.

AIBU to run for the hills?

The only reason I have a feeling of guilt is that I know he has had difficult life and he has overcome a lot, there is some positivity in his life but feel like I would be very stressed being in this relationship and could not risk exposing my son to this life.

OP posts:
nauseaandnipples · 02/05/2020 08:47

Even with your update you still need to break up with him.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 02/05/2020 08:48

Your life will be utterly fucking shit if you choose to be in a relationship with this lowlife. Let's see, you have a four year old child and he's a criminal drug using loser. Hmmm what could possibly go wrong. Hmm

QualityFeet · 02/05/2020 08:49

You need to do some serious work on your boundaries and expectations. Many lazy and criminal people are kind to the important people in their lives. This is not a reason to invite their criminality into you and your son’s life. Add in the drugs, poor impulse control and depression and this man could only ever be an erratic, difficult and draining man. It worries me that you would ever think this ok? I would have no problem with distant convictions and a subsequent life of proven changes but that isn’t what you are descrbing at all.

bettybattenburg · 02/05/2020 08:50

Get a supersonic jet and get out of there, you and your daughter deserve better.

bellabasset · 02/05/2020 08:51

Sad though it might be your comment that he gets 'low' is a telling part of his personality. So no you would be opening yourself and your son - possibly another dc - to misery.

They say people look at a having half full or half empty glass, the more content people just use a smaller glass.

MarginalGain · 02/05/2020 08:51

Obviously you know the answer to the question.

You can't have a normal life with someone who has been convicted of these kinds of crimes. He won't be able to get a job, mortgage, insurance, and so on.

You're at university, you're obviously ambitious and want something out of your life. Do not spend time with people like this.

opticaldelusion · 02/05/2020 08:52

It's not his past that's the problem, it's his present. He's not exactly a reformed character is he?

NOTANUM · 02/05/2020 08:53

I came on thinking this would be about a vandalism charge when a 40 year old was 20..

OP - I would also worry about your judgement. It sounds like he is already involved in criminal activity (he wouldn't be so casual talking about it otherwise), he takes drugs, he lies low on occasion (criminal reasons?) and he doesn't even work hard at his regular (fun!) job.

There are millions of decent men out there. I suspect he isn't one of them.

redcarbluecar · 02/05/2020 08:53

You haven’t really said what attracts you to him. It sounds as though you’re considering whether or not to be his carer.
The heavy cannabis use in itself would make this a no for me.

Bertucci · 02/05/2020 08:54

I’d rather be alone than with someone like him.

SlowDown76mph · 02/05/2020 08:54

Nobody is completely 100% bad, there will always be elements of 'well he's kind to his old mum and animals'. C'mon. You're a smart woman.

Notthetoothfairy · 02/05/2020 08:54

You must never be with someone for pity. Run!

PineappleDanish · 02/05/2020 08:55

YANBU. He sounds like a nightmare. As do his friends, family and aquaintances.

happinessischocolate · 02/05/2020 08:55

Been there done that, the only difference is I didn't know about his "lifestyle" when I got involved with him he kept it very well hidden, it took me nearly a year to realise just how bad it was and then another 2 years to extract myself as he'd had a horrendous life and I felt sorry for him.

If you feel guilty about not having a relationship with him now, imagine how you'll feel if he does get sent to prison for something he's done, (which I can guarantee he'll deny doing) and he's relying on you for support whilst he's inside.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/05/2020 08:56

He does spend time caring for his mum, at least once a day he would be doing something for her.

The Kray twins loved their mother too. Nobody is 100% bad, everyone has some good points. When you're considering a potential partner though, look for one where the ratio of good:bad qualities is at least 20:1. This guy is 50:50 at best. Don't bet you and your daughter's happiness on a coinflip.

GreenTeaMug · 02/05/2020 08:56

Run.

Not least because you have a very young child and a person with that sort of history will attract the attention of social services and you do NOT want to be in a position where you have to justify why you are in a relationship with someone like that to social services. Your child must ALWAYS be your priority.

Beautiful3 · 02/05/2020 08:57

Well you have a four year old child. You are that child's role model and protector. There are literally thousands of men out there. Why would you invite a drug taking criminal into your child's life? If anyone reports you to ss they will intervene and keep an eye on your child. Your school will also be notified and monitor your child. Is it really worth it??! Please choose someone better.

Spidey66 · 02/05/2020 08:57

If someone had one criminal conviction for something minor in the past but had learnt from it and stayed out of trouble since, I'd be Ok. I think id even be ok with a bit more, if theyd since turned things round, engaged with services like probation and had srayed out of trouble for a considerable length of time (say 5 years minimum.) I think I'd have some respect for getting away from it. We all make mistakes and deserve a chance.

But that's not what you're describing, so no. I'd be living on my nerves, wondering when the police would be knocking on my door.

poolsofsunshine · 02/05/2020 08:57

The default is not to date someone surely.

You don't need reasons or excuses not to date someone. You need reasons to do so.

If in any doubt just don't. That goes for everyone but doubly if you have a child.

Thurmanmurman · 02/05/2020 09:01

You've got a child for fucks sake. Why would you even need to ask this question?

TheClitterati · 02/05/2020 09:02

You're at a fork in the roadmap of you and your child's lives OP - which way are you going to go?

I think you know choosing a life with someone you know if wrong for you because you pity him isn't the way to go.

emmcan · 02/05/2020 09:03

Nope.

Difficult past is one thing, but he's still got a difficult present...

FinallyHere · 02/05/2020 09:03

AIBU to run for the hills?

YRnotBU to run for the hills

UABVVVVVU to pause long enough to ask here before running for the hills.

Criminal record on its own, owned up to, learned from and put firmly in the past is one thing. Daily engaging in dangerous behaviour is a very different thing indeed.

Run ----> hills

Darbs76 · 02/05/2020 09:03

I think you know the answer to this. He won’t change

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo · 02/05/2020 09:04

RUUUUUN

He will drag you down

Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas

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