Hi mums
This is my first time posting but I feel like I'm going out of my mind and I really need some advice please. My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years, and we've had our ups and downs like normal couples but mostly things have always been great. He's a good man, he's always treated me well, supportive both emotionally and financially, and is an amazing father to our children. However, he's developed a really close friendship with a woman he works with and I'm not sure if I should be worried or if I'm overreacting. To give you some back story, I became aware of this woman last year when my husband took our little girl to his office and she came back talking about this woman and how she's daddy's best friend. She's young, single and very pretty. Her name has popped up a few times since then and I've always had a bit of an off feeling about their friendship, but I put it down to my own insecurity. When the lockdown started, both my husband and I had to start working from home and he would spend hours every day speaking to her on the phone- they would call each other constantly throughout the day and it was rarely ever work related. His voice always changed when he spoke to her. He'd speak a lot more quietly, and would sound really flirty and giggled constantly. I'd hear him telling her non-work related things that he hadn't told me about. I felt hurt because it got to the point where he barely said a word to me but would be talking to her all day. Eventually I got really upset and told him how I felt. He reassured me she was just a friend but that he would tone it down. That didn't happen, he just got more secretive about talking to her. One day he went out in the garden to work, and when I went outside he was on his webcam with her. They also continued to have their hours-long conversations but he got sneaky about it. He'd close the door thinking I wouldn't be able to hear, and hide her name on his screen (his work calls come through his laptop and the name displays on the screen). The secrecy of it made me paranoid that there really was something to worry about. Again, after one too many calls listening to them giggling and teasing each other, I got upset but this this time I flipped out and said if we weren't in lockdown I'd be packing my bags (maybe an overreaction). This time he got upset and said there was absolutely nothing going on, he loved me, she was just a good friend etc etc. The next morning he was very loving, constantly reassuring me, apologising that he'd been neglecting me. For a while things got better. He still spoke to her on the phone, but not nearly as much and I started to feel better, until one day I saw Facebook messages from her popping up on his phone. It was a Sunday so I felt a bit pissed off that she was encroaching on our time away from work but I tried not to get upset about it. I know it's bad but I thought I could go on his tablet and look at the messages she'd sent him. However, he has deleted the Facebook app off his tablet. Then last week he got a new phone and has now changed the pin number he has always used (I know at this point I sound like a jealous, paranoid wife but I absolutely swear I never normally check his phone/tablet- I only knew his pin number because it's the same one we use for all our devices. Before all this I completely trusted him and felt no need to check up on him). The other night I saw Facebook messages flashing up from her again and I got cross. He was annoyed and acted like I was being unreasonable, saying he only messaged her 'occasionally' so I apologised and said I didn't want him to end his friendship with her, it's my problem and I need to learn to deal with it and stop being jealous. Last night I managed to get into his Facebook account on his old phone (he doesn't know I did this. He'd deleted the app but when I downloaded it again, the login information had been saved). I read all the messages, even though it took me a couple of hours (there were that many). At first I felt reassured as there was nothing to suggest they've had any kind of inappropriate contact. However, the sheer volume of messages is unbelievable. I'm lucky to get a reply when I message him, but for the past couple of months, they've literally messaged each other from first thing in the morning to late into the night, all day every day (so much for toning it down- he's just got another way to contact her). The messages were pretty much daily before that, although there weren't as many. She sends him selfies (again, nothing inappropriate but wtf is she sending my husband photos of herself?). There are messages from him late at night asking if she's out (I assume those are from when he's been on nights out and wants to meet her). There was one night when he and I were both out with our friends separately and had arranged to meet later in the evening. There are messages to her that night asking if she was out, while at the same time he was also messaging me arranging when/where we were going to meet (I'm assuming he was trying to find out if he could meet up with her first). He talks to her about pretty much every aspect of his personal life, telling her all kinds of silly little things- the kids, his hobbies, friends of his she hasn't even met, funny things that have happened in his day etc but he never mentions me at all. There's lots of teasing each other, some mild sexual banter although nothing terrible and not about each other. He teases her about how many admirers she has at work, how many of the guys (and girls apparently) fancy her. There are messages asking her if she wants to go to gigs (this is really hurtful as he goes to lots of gigs but rarely asks me to go). One of the gigs he asked her to go to was one I'd told him about but he didn't invite me to go. He sends her cute animal memes and videos. If I send him something funny, he never responds but he has forwarded loads of the stuff I've sent him to her (no personal messages, just funny memes and videos I've sent him). I don't know if I'm being petty but I'm just so hurt by it. I've never contacted any of my close friends nearly to the extent that he contacts her, and they only met each other last year! I do believe nothing physical has happened between them as I think it's impossible to message each other so much without making any reference to it, but I can't help but think there are definitely feelings there. I'm going out of my mind with anxiety and today I feel so low. I just want to get away and try to get my head together but obviously with the lockdown, that's not possible. Am I overreacting and being paranoid? Or am I right to be hurt? I honestly don't know what to think right now, my head is all over the place. I feel like this is all I think about now and I just want to be happy again 😔