Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

To those waiting until the time is right (for whatever reason), just imagine how much more easier lockdown would be living on your own.

I probably would have done something very drastic if my abusive ex was living with me now. I remind myself of that when it's tough (and I don't deny it's tough whatever your situation).

You see my dh is being really good, pulling his wait, being nice. He desperately doesn't want me to end it. There is a history of emotional abuse, but he genuinely believes he has changed.

Lockdown wouldn't be easier for me either. He's still working but his hours are greatly reduced and it means I get to escape for a walk/to the supermarket alone which wouldn't be possible otherwise. He's never done more childcare ever! It would be an utter nightmare if I was alone with a two and three year old.

Not everyone get divorce because their partner is abusive.

We are just flat mates now rather a couple. We have learnt to keep things very superficial so that reduces the possibility for an argument. We’ve completely disconnected from each other and have nothing to share together. It was like this before the lockdown. It’s the same now. Not better but not worse either..

@ChrissieKeller61 - you get have a mortgage that’s half a buy to let and half residential. It either needs to be a residential mortgage (you would need permission to let) or a buy to let (where you and your family can’t live in the property). You can’t just have half and half.

Can’t have not get have

Unrealistic expectations. Disney has a lot to answer for. Divorce rates are ridiculous in this country.

I mean, don't flog a dead horse, but far too many are miserable because of a lack of communication generally and of expectations with the one they married. People change, it's why regular communication matters.
Fashion changes, bodies change, views will change. It's all about alignment...

Many of us do when the time us right.

@BreathlessCommotion you probably would be entitled to something on that salary. I earn more than that and still get tax credits. Put you’re details and estimated childcare costs into the calculator at entitledto.com

My main reason is not seeing the children every day thereafter. 50/50 custody is becoming the norm. Missing out on what they'd got up to at school each day, 'sharing' birthdays, holidays and Christmas. Just awful. Not sure to mention the kids having two houses, two bedrooms etc.

I've taught children with 50/50 and I'm not a fan, looking from the outside in..

Court enforced 50/50 when my boys were just 3 and 6, despite ex-husband being an absolute narcissist. Six years on I am having all sorts of issues with my eldest due to horrendous parental alienation. His father is now applying for further custody because I am pregnant by my fiancé.

@JKScot4 My ex-husband changed the locks on the five-bed marital home (jointly owned) within hours of me leaving for my own safety. Six years on he still remains in it whilst I'm still privately renting a small three-bed. As mentioned above, he also got the kids half of the time.

I'm both scared and bolstered by this thread. A month ago I told my DH I don't love him anymore, we've grown apart, poor communication etc plus a 10 year history of just me doing everything, resentment etc. 2 children and he was like a 3rd.
I strayed, fell in love with someone else.. I read a zillion threads on here, I started my own (lots of posters on this thread helped me) But still it's taken me 6 years of having this niggling feeling to get to this point, 6 months of really seriously feeling I could do it, 2 months of deciding I would.

I'm one of the lucky ones, I've got a good job, although earn less than half of what he does, he's never been hands on with the children, so I don't think he wants 50 50...we have a house with a good amount of equity in it, but also might be able to afford to not sell immediately. We are amicable...
But still. I wobble, daily. I feel responsible for him, sorry for him. He's got nothing without the family and me, no friends, no hobbies... he loves me, although he's not happy, hasn't been for 5 years at least.

But this is 'easy', staying, burying our heads, it's normal, it's expected. I'm dying a little bit inside every day I'm with him, but I could possibly keep going, I could stay, because of the lovely house, lifestyle, money..there's no arguments, just seething resentment and no love. But, I'd have someone to allow me to go out, go for a run, time with friends. He would have someone to do the childcare, washing, housework, school runs, house admin... I often felt overwhelmed by the kids and him, but he's a warm body, as am I to him.
It's bloody scary the prospect of going through it all. I've done like 5 steps of probably about 15...its like a mountain.
So in situations like mine, where we are friends, we get along OK, but there's little love, or respect, or intimacy.. I can see why people stay. I realised that when I'd started thinking about leaving and it felt good, like a relief, like a weight lifted, then staying for all that stuff was disrespectful really, because I'd not be staying for him.
Still though, it's just not that easy.

It’s a huge and frightening to do. I have done it and it was huge and frightening to go through. Absolutely the right decision though but it takes a lot to push you to it when you’re ‘embedded’ with kids, house, mortgage, social circle etc etc. It’s a big and brave thing to achieve. But very tough to start.

Do you have sole or joint custody, OP?

@Heygirlheyboy

You asked about missing the extra pair of hands in a blah marriage, and I mentioned upthread that I had left my blah marriage, so wanted to respond. Apologies for the length of this.

To be honest with you, the extra pair of hands was something I thought would be an issue prior to us divorcing. Now I am actually in that position, I don't actually miss the extra pair of hands at all. As weird as it sounds, doing all the extra practical stuff (and he did pull his weight and do half when we were together) is actually far LESS tiring than the mental exhaustion of being unhappy and stressed all the time.

My ex is a lovely bloke and not remotely abusive, so the fact that even the stress of a blah marriage was far far more stressful and exhausting than the extra housework, says to me that the strain of being in an abusive marriage must be even MORE exhausting. Which means someone in that scenario is likely to find it even easier once they split.

What I will say is that I know for sure that I stayed too long for one reason only - I was scared. At the time I dressed it up as being for my DD, worrying about her not being with her dad every day, how we would cope as I am disabled, and finances/house etc.

I now know that those were excuses. I know that because it he had been abusive I WOULD have left anyway. Which means the practicalities of divorce are in fact resolvable, but I felt that it needed to be "worth it" e.g. escaping from abuse.

Our DD, who never saw or heard any arguing or tension (because their wasn't any), has thrived since we split. School have confirmed that she seems so much happier now.

So if a blah marriage with no tension can affect a child that much, in a way that only bexomes apparent when they are happier post split, I can't imagine how much positive difference it must make to them when parents who ARE actively miserable and unhappy split up.

Which is why I think all this "staying for the kids" is an excuse borne from fear. My DD has fewer holidays, days out and "stuff". She is STILL happier. We had a high income before and we are now on benefits. She is STILL happier.

I don't know anyone who has left who wishes they had stayed. Not when they are out of it and look back on it. And I know now that staying in a blah marriage, let alone an unhappy one, DOES actively harm the children, because the parents aren't aware of how little that stuff matters to kids compared to having unhappy parents. The well-being of the kids IS sacrificed to the fears, but the parents will no doubt refuse to believe that, so they will never know how their kids would have thrived despite the hardship if only they had split. But that's their choice to make I guess.

@SirChing thank you for that post, it's given me hope. You posted on my thread months ago, when I couldn't make a descion about what to do. I found it helpful then, although I es still in a mess and couldn't figure out what to do. It took 4 months still after that. It was having permission, in a way, knowing I wa allowed to leave my blah marriage. I didn't (and still don't, on bad days) feel like I deserve to leave as its not a good enough reason. But of course it is!

DH has begun to accept it but is so sad, the guilt from how I'm making him feel is horrendous. But I know it'll fade, given time.

DH did not and still doesn't do half of everything, so I think I probably won't miss him practically, but there is that fear of suddenly finding I need him. Also that worry that I'm turning everyone's lives upside down just for possibly a bit more happiness.
It's great to hear your dd is thriving, my separated friends say the same about their children. I'm hopeful that once the initial emotions settle it will be good for them, not living with me being passive aggressive, resentful etc, or their father looking downtrodden and sad all the time, because he just has been trying to make me happy for years without success. I think he will have to step up massively to hopefully become a more involved and responsible parent too. Our therapist from relate said that this actually could be a good thing, because he wil have to stop relying on me to provide everything for him, emotionally, practically... So I'm hopeful he will thrive too. I'm pretty certain I will.
So much on this thread is helpful to remember when going through this process, thanks OP for starting it.

@Stegasaurusmum I had to check the username a few times to check I wasn't reading my own. It sounds so familiar. Although dh does now do 50% as a twat ago I first said it was over and we went to counselling.

I've been doubting myself and thinking it's not worth wrecking everyone's lives for my happiness. Dh has been begging me to try again, lockdown has been hard.

I'm ashamed to say I've been considering it and even gone back to acting as a couple, as having him beg and be so sad was exhausting in lockdown.

And now I've read this again and realised I know, deep down that I need to leave. But I've probably just made it worse all over again.

@Stegasaurusmum Aw thank you. I am so glad that you are making your peace with it. It's not easy. But it's misery with an end in sight rather than years of low level misery if you stayed.

Only you can decide what is right for you, and I could have been talking bollocks in my post for all I know, but it really is ok to end things because you aren't happy.

I found it helpful to ask myself what I would want my daughter to do in the same scenario. And ask for help and get the hell out was the answer.

You are more than welcome on the Singletons thread in Relationships. It isn't about dating exactly, but about being happy alone. Without exception, every one is happier without a bloke who is useless dragging them down.

You will be ok. Truly

@BreathlessCommotion it's so hard, I recognise so much in posts on here, I've spent months searching for answers in other people's problems.
I think whilst it's difficult if you feel you've gone backwards, maybe too it's made it clearer and you could use it as a way to explain to him that you've really tried.
DH did step up and start trying to do more, but in a way I felt it made it clear that it wasn't important enough just to do it for me, when I was tired, exhausted working full time with a new baby and he didn't help, wasn't around etc.
The extra helping only came when I was saying that we had to go to counselling because I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. I just got annoyed by it, it's made it clear I only mattered when it was going to affect him and also that there isn't anything he can do
I told him a month ago, he spent a week moping and sulking, then just agreed to it. No fight, no trying. I just felt relief.
We are now in a kind of limbo, living together but separated, but doing things together we have always done. Every time I bring up the practicalities of splitting up he gets upset.
So as usual, it's down to me, the responsibility of starting conversations with DH, organising counselling, calling time on the relationship, organising the practical stuff, telling the kids... probably finding him somewhere to live etc.. Working out contact and childcare. It's exhausting! Maybe that's why we stay, because all of that is just too much work! It's almost easier, I've considered it, just thinking I could go ahead with living like this, have sex once a month or so, fill my life with my kids and friends. But what happens when all that still isn't enough.
@SirChing thank you. You didn't post bollocks, you were quite harsh with me but I needed it. I'll take a look at that thread for positive stories too. I'm actually excited by being single, living on my own. Just no idea yet how long that will take.

That's exactly the same as here @Stegasaurusmum we were muddling along at beginning, but when I brought up practicalities of separating he got upset. Then I got upset. Which I think he took to mean I wasn't sure.

Also the same with him changing, I feel like it's too little, too late. But maybe I've messed it all up by saying I'd try again. In some ways doing it because it makes lockdown more bearable..

@Stegasaurusmum Oh God! I remember now. I am so sorry for being harsh. But also I'm relieved for you that you have made a decision. You came across as if you needed to make a decision in order to be happy, but we're going to Ostrich it. I remember feeling bad at being stern and telling you to get your head out and face things, but it was so clear that burying your head was making you deeply unhappy.

I didn't want to make you feel bad. I was actually trying to help you with tough love. I'm sorry if it didn't come across like that On the upside - I knew you could do it and would be happier when you had just faced it and decided. Good for you, it took guts!

Can you be stern with me @SirChing :)

I've just remembered about having to leave the dog behind and got really upset again. There is no way to do it and take her, as I just can't buy a house at the moment.

@SirChing I totally agree that “staying for the kids is an excuse borne from fear”. My parents stayed together for years when unhappy and it was awful for us kids. They later claimed that they were staying together for the kids which made me angry as in their case, they were not thinking of us at all.

I’ve been through a break up with kids though and I know it’s hard to leave even when things are not going well. It does take courage and it’s not easy. But we shouldn’t make excuses that we are staying in a miserable situation for the kids when in fact we are staying because it’s easier in the short term.