Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

Yes @opticaldelusion . I'm curious. I think my op must imply an aggression that wasn't intended. Thus, yes, my reason was 'for the children'.

And @Inconnu
Fear of failure is massive. Like marriage is something you win or lose at. I think your response to your friends of sympathy is so normal, and, if I may, utterly wrong. I found myself wanting to scream at people who offered me sympathy initially 'no, I'm happier'. It's funny that success is seen as staying in a miserable relationship.

Took me 4 years because didn't want to break up the family

There you are, then: that's just one answer to your question. I imagine that there are many other reasons: financial security (financial power is often vested in men); fear of being alone; worry about wider family's reactions for starters.

I imagine divorce to be a emotionally draining and painful process; not an easy route at all

I will not be getting divorced!

I think in most cases it is for financial reasons, I have a good friend, early 60s, no children, who lives with a man (not even married) who is not very nice to her ... I have talked to her a lot about the situation but she is very realistic, she does live in a very nice home with lots of land which she loves, the alternative would be renting a bed sit somewhere and I can understand that at over 60 that is not a very attractive lifestyle. She knows she is highly unlikely to be able to get a job so she has made the decision that this is the better ‘option’. I do feel sad for her .. she has made some poor choices throughout her life,

nicelegs please remember you may not have a choice. Plenty of threads on here about men who up and leave usually for ow out of the blue. It's much harder to deal with it all when you didn't seek it and thought you were in a happy marriage.

I'm in my 40s and I don't know many single people

Seriously?? Maybe because I'm in London, but very evenly split, I'd say. The single women tend to own their own properties and are financially stable.

You know it costs money to divorce? And involves lots of practical and legal issues.

Money, children.

Because people who question 'why don't you just get divorced' have no fucking clue what goes on behind closed doors?

Because people who question 'why don't you just get divorced' have no fucking clue how hard it is to live in a difficult marriage, let alone a horrendously abusive one?

Because people who question 'why don't you just get divorced' have no fucking clue how hard it is to find the strength, every moment of every day, to just survive, never mind admit that divorce is absolutely the right step, to find the strength to admit to themselves never mind others that it isn't working to put it mildly, to find the strength to start another battle that is likely to destroy what scrap of humanity, self-belief and value they have left of themselves?

People don’t like change.

I got divorced aged 30, he shagged some woman from another country so there was no going back from there for me. My children were 1 and 2 at the time. My friend always says I cried for 2 days then I was fine. I was crying for the fact I would be a single parent, not for losing my now exH.

I understand all too well that divorce isn't easy for most people but it's a damn sight better than staying in a crap marriage.

A friend of mine feels he has to marry the mother of his child, even though she is abusive, just because it's the right thing to do. His parents are of the mindset if he doesn't stay then he will destroy the kids lives. It's so outdated but clearly some people still live that way.

Money.

Perceptions of a stigma around being a single mother (whether true or not).

The hard l, practical and emotional realities of being a single mother.

Being scared that leaving might trigger the ex to become abusive/violent (or more so).

Lack of other support networks like wider family or friends.

The idea that being part of a 'normal family' is better than breaking it up.

All sorts of reasons. Perhaps cultural, divorce is still shameful in some cultures believe it or not. I’d guess it’s mostly for financial reasons, a lot of women are sadly reliant on their spouse to maintain their lifestyle. Divorce is a massive upheaval too, lots of people just can’t be bothered with it.

I will also be honest and say that I got divorced and subsequently became a single Mother to three. I was able to manage because I have a fairly well paid career (nothing substantial but I’ve always managed), lots of women aren’t in that position.

Anyway, since we split he has barely seen our children and pays as little as he can legally get away with. He moved in with his GF and her two DC shortly after we split and he has focused on raising them instead. None of it is fair, I’ve always had to pick up the slack both financially and emotionally.

It’s probably more sensible not to bother divorcing sometimes.

Sometimes you don’t know if you’re suffering from ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. You can’t know until it’s too late if it was the right thing to do or not.

Honouring marriage vows? Fear or regret, being unable to cope emotionally?

@arethereanyleftatall yes I totally agree with you about the pity response being wrong and misguided. It's surprisingly hard to stop yourself though!

There is a stigma for being divorced.

Stigma for being single parent

Not wanting to break family up

Codependency. There are LOT of people who cannot be on their own. They think they can't (ie can't manage the tasks their partner does eg DIY /renewing car insurance (I'm not joking!) They'd rather be miserable and with someone than work out how to live their own lives.

It depends, sometimes its in the hope things will recover and you will manage to make a go of your marriage. I wasnt married but with my ex for 28 years when it ended. We both knew it was heading that way for numerous reasons but we had a lovely home and 3 DC, it was hard as my mum lived in the same road as me at the time and she was very unwell, us splitting up and selling meant I couldnt be near her which was one of the reasons it was so hard to end it. But we seperated while living in the same house, that didnt work when he got a girlfriend and it became unbearable to remain living under the same roof.

Money.
If you handed those women 3 million, they'd be out of there like a shot but when your finances are entangled and you'd have to move to a tiny flat with 2 or 3 kids its not so easy.
Struggling and worrying about whether you have enough to pay bills and rent is often worse than putting up with some wanker at home. Yes, its awful but at least you arent constantly fretting about paying for stuff

Money and kids. Hence why I have always maintained my career and am the higher earner slightly

Glad we are happy though but I think us having independent careers and means help

OP, If you’re wondering why your question sounds “goad you’re”, it’s because its oversimplifying something that is so obviously highly subjective and complex.

It’s a bit like - “Look you lot. I’m divorced and happier. Why aren’t you all like me? What’s wrong with you, you silly women?”

The answer is, no two people are the same. No two marriages are the same. No two families are the same. It’s up to every individual to find their own way and to make their own compromises if necessary.

Asking, “Why don’t women get divorced like I did?” is as ridiculous as asking, “Why don’t all women eat what I do?” - ie you might as well ask, “How long is a piece of string?”

goady, not goad you’re!

Lots of reasons: lack of money, children, might be killed , low self esteem and unable to see a way out of their situation easily.
Lots of men are very good at keeping women ' in their place' and threats of violence or death is also common. It's not always black or white or that easy.

My parents separating and then divorcing was the worst thing that happened to our family and I couldn't ever put my children through it unless I was escaping from some form of abuse that would be more damaging to them than the divorce could be.

It's not necessarily the case that the mother will get custody. Fancy only visiting your kids ever other weekend?

I don't care about stigma but I care very much about having to live without my child for a significant proportion of the year and having no control over what or who he is exposed to.

I want to give him the most stable life I can which is trying to make the best of things together. Finances definitely do come into it though, losing our home would be very hard and we couldn't afford to buy separate places.

Divorce seems simple if it's just the two of you but I've read enough on Mumsnet alone to see that it sounds like a nightmare with children in the mix.