Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

"Leave the men to look after themselves"? You should be sorry

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

Yeah, I've seen it. Women up and down the country are getting seven bells beaten out of them on a regular basis, not to mention the numerous other forms of abuse. Two women a week die at the hands of their male partner. But there's always one who has to come on here, whining: "Won't someone please think of the menz?".

But hey: don't let the sordid truth get in the way of the TV ratings!

OH THEY all say they want residency, or 50:50

My x said I was mentally unhinged etc etc blah blah.......... and yet, when he finally showed up to take a four year old and a 1 year old out, he wanted my mother to go with him because he couldn't be expect to manage them both at the same time. This type of man does not 'do' the hard labour of childcare. Actually genuinely caring for the children. Not for them.

‘I also don't quite see how the default seems to be lovely family home, decent schools, etc VS changing schools, refuges etc. In some cases that is what needs to happen. In most cases, it doesn't. Residency orders so you can stay in the property until the child is 18, and adequate maintenance from the father to pay for that, are very common indeed!

It seems like women tend to see the worse case scenario before they are even fully aware of what their legal position would be, and what they would be entitled to via benefits etc. So a lot of the time they aren't even basing their decision to stay in facts!’

This is really a bizarre response given that I have made it clear I left three years ago. I am speaking from experience. It is not the default situation to end up in a refuge or in temp, but it’s common. And the kind of women who are scared to leave relationships? They are the ones most at risk of bad outcomes - that’s why they take so long to leave!

And that’s the group you’re asking about isn’t it? Not the people who leave cos it is straightforward and easy with a decent ex, but the ones who stay, because the period when you’re most at risk from your partner? When you leave.

The courts can, and do, award 50/50. Happened to me when my boys were 3 and 6. Lots of horrendous issues as a result of that six years on. And no, no maintenance if 50/50 regardless of financial situation of either party.

And my life is so much better since I left, but I am really glad I waited as long as I did. It meant my kids were old enough to be allowed to say they didn’t want to see their dad. The idea that he gets to destroy the lives through access to them alone when younger, horrifying.

I don’t think you understand how many men, when rejected, just want to see the world burn, and will everything they can, including the court process, to cause misery.

Sorry x posts.

@Nameofchanges Totally agree. The damage my ex has done with 50/50 has been absolutely unbelievable.

I had to go to therapy to come to that conclusion.

I spent a lot of time if I’d only gone at x point or y point, done this, done that.

The therapist said it is called hindsight thinking and is common in PTSD. You think you should have known how you to prevent a traumatic event, when in reality you couldn’t have done, not when someone is out to destroy you.

JKScot4

She could be divorced tomorrow if he agreed to the financial split. But even though financially he is worsening his situation he doesn’t care because for him it isn’t about money. It is about control and as soon as they divorce he will lose the control.

For exactly the same reasons they have been doing for centuries. Single women are still often very much at a disadvantage in our society unfortunately.

Also people are willing to put up with different things. Today whilst shopping I saw several men walking round with their wife on FaceTime showing them different products on the shelves asking which to buy. One can only assume these men had never been shopping before! You see women who are having breakdowns at the moment as they are trying to wfh, home school kids etc and their DH is locked in the study with oh so important spreadsheets. All these things would cause me to evict my DH if he was like that, but others feel that what they get out the relationship compensates for this.

@BreathlessCommotion Your solicitor was crap! Residency orders may be rare. But they exist. So why shouldn't you be one of the rare ones?

Yes he could turn nasty, but it's already nasty. Just a.different sort!

I.am being harsh for YOU not because it gives me pleasure. It makes me feel terrible to be honest! But I hate the idea of you looking back in 5 years and wishing you had done something, when your kids are old enough to articulate the damage that living in low level misery has caused them. It would break you. And I know that, because THIS is. Don't do it to you or them. Get advice and make the break. The emotional abuse is even more reason. You can't want your DD to think the vibes.of that are normal. If it wouldn't be good enough for her, it's not good enough for you. But you are teaching her that it's normal and ok and worth staying for.

You need better legal advice. But even massive upheaval if you had to move is far more temporary than a lifetime of misery and fucked up kids.

And that’s the group you’re asking about isn’t it?

No, it isn't. I made clear I am talking about the fact that for most people that won't be there reality. Yes there will be a few for who it is and my heart breaks for them, but for most that jdnt the case.

I did confuse you with another poster though, so apologies for that.

My H has been abusing me for years. Mostly emotional and financial stuff. There are two reasons I havent left, those two reasons are that I have no one else. I suffered a huge amount of abuse as a child, and I am NC with my family. I was bullied and moved around a lot as a child, had my daughter at 17, and by that point my self confidence was so ground down, I didnt see why anyone would want to be my friend, so as an adult I've not really made friends either. If I walk away from him, I have no one at all except my dad who I just cant have support from

The second, I have a lot of mental health problems, the appearance of the settled marriage, husband with a nice job, seemingly nice person probably changes peoples viewpoint of me. I worry that if I was telling professionals how I felt and I was a single parent, there would be quite a bit of outside involvement at times. I'm perfectly capable of parenting despite my issues.

I worry that if I was telling professionals how I felt and I was a single parent, there would be quite a bit of outside involvement at time

I worked on a MH inpatient unit for years. Yes, if you have children and were admitted to hospital, a referral to social services/health visitors would be made. But this isn't to condemn you or try to remove your children. Its to try and identify any sources of support that you might need to help you with the children and keep you all happy.

So many of my most frequently returning patients were single women who had children at home, despite multiple hospital admissions. When the women were in hospital, the children were looked after by their fathers or their grandparents or friends.

I can hand on heart say that I can only remember one patient losing custody of her children, and that was because she was exposing them to sexual abuse, not because she had mental health issues.

Lots of the women did, in fact find the experience of social services or the health visitor becoming involved as a positive thing in the end. They were provided with support that they were unaware existed, were helped to access all the benefits they were entitled to, were helped with housing, and helped with parenting if they were struggling.

Please don't be scared of those agencies ever becoming involved. They want to help you, not punish you for having a health condition. If you are worried about this, you could always call them and ask what would happen. SW would always advise that being in a happy, settled, nurturing environment is best for children. And that's with you. They just want to help you maintain that.

Its so sad that you wouldn't have anyone Pirate, but that doesn't always have to be the case, you know, even if it has been so far. There are ways of accessing social situations to make friends. I have made some good friends in real life from mumsnet.

You don't have to be trapped if you want to escape