Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

£££

@ChrissieKeller61 who did they learn to be like that from? It obviously wasn't you! So surely that's more of an argument for getting the kids away sooner? I'm not having a pop at you personally, just pointing out that people who stay for finsncisl reasons and believe their kids won't be screwed up by a poor relationship model, are dreaming! Kids become who we show them to become through our behaviour. And we get one chance in life to not fuck them up.

I am going through a separation at the moment, married 20 years, 2 kids, one at uni other at secondary. I should’ve left probably 8 years ago but I’d given up well paid job to stay at home, joint decision so he could travel the world at the drop of a hat, now he doesn’t give a stuff about that so to answer first question I stayed for the kids and financial reasons but for the point that didn’t matter as kids were miserable. It’s not always that simple unfortunately

This entire thread can be summarised as:

I won't take my kids out of a situation which IS (whether you see it or like the fact or not) bad for them, because I MAY end up in a situation which is bad for the kids.

If that's your choice, fine, but I wish people would fucking well own it. Just because you might not like the idea that a shitty or blah relationship is bad for kids to see, it doesn't make it not true.

I wish people would actually take their job as role models seriously.

@SirChing the trouble is/was they never saw any behaviour like this before we split. There was plenty of other stuff, sneaking around, lying but of course it didn’t have any direct affect on the kids. The financial stuff does. I’m not saying stay, I wish I’d left 10 years earlier, I might have said up thread I’d have been significantly better off if I’d jumped earlier and of course you have youth on your side.

Or "i have nowhere to go and no money when i get there".

I should’ve left probably 8 years ago but I’d given up well paid job to stay at home, joint decision so he could travel the world at the drop of a hat

And that is where we all wrong. I sold my house to pay for our wedding and urgent repairs on his house. He has no recollection of this, but can’t say where the £80,000 from my house sale went eityer.

Young un’s don’t make our mistakes

@Stegasaurusmum You aren't wrong in your approach st all. We decided what we wanted to do financially between the two of us, and instructed a solicitor to just write that up legally. I don't give a shit what the solicitor thinks about the wisdom of it, we are both happy and our DD will be secure.

In our case, I have got all the house equity so I can afford to pay the mortgage still even on benefits. And I have passed up claim to his pension. It works out about the same financially, it just means it's less of a hassle and is a clean break.

Do what feels right for the two of you, and a solicitor can just write it up. When it's all done and sorted, I think it will have cost at most £2500 between us. And the only delays have been us being shite about filling in paperwork, and the courts have a bit of a back log. He doesn't have a solicitor. I have used one to sort it all, and we have agreed to split the fees. It doesnt have to be a war.

Its not easy to get it like that but it drives me mad when people say "aw you are lucky". Nope! I worked damn hard to put my pain and anger aside to be amicable because it's best that way for my DD. It can be done. Honestly

There was plenty of other stuff, sneaking around, lying but of course it didn’t have any direct affect on the kids

Well that's not true though really is it? It meant that your kids grew up with parents stressed due to those behaviours, and that unhappiness, even at a low level, filters down to them. They now favour their father over you. They learned to do that from somewhere! It's not a random occurrence with no cause, is it? So they had the low level unhappiness that they don't have understood or known the cause of, they favour their dad, and place disproportionate value on the material things to the point that they didn't speak to you for a year.

Which part of that is the marriage not affecting them until you split? It's a genuine question. I don't understand how you can't see the connections? Kids aren't raised in a bubble!

They might understand if you're getting battered, but if you aren't it's not appreciated or understood

I'm sorry but that is entirely down to how they have been brought up. My DD is 9 and totally understands that if a couple aren't happy being married, then they shouldn't be married.

But would your dd have felt like that if she had to leave her school, then move into a refuge, then temporary accommodation, have no bedroom, etc etc? Would she understand?

An extra consideration for me is that my dd has ASD and is likely to react badly to the change. And she probably will blame me for a while, as I get blamed for most things that don't go right/she finds hard in her life. And she will certainly be very angry about the dog. The dog was mostly for her as emotional support and does provide that. But no private landlords will allow pets, I've already asked tonnes. That's why I'll be heartbroken about the dog, because I'm removing her from her emotional support and her stability.

But would your dd have felt like that if she had to leave her school, then move into a refuge, then temporary accommodation, have no bedroom, etc etc? Would she understand?

Yes. She may not like it until we were resettled, but she would understand, because it is my job as her mother to help her understand in an age appropriate way! And that understanding would increase with age.

I also don't quite see how the default seems to be lovely family home, decent schools, etc VS changing schools, refuges etc. In some cases that is what needs to happen. In most cases, it doesn't. Residency orders so you can stay in the property until the child is 18, and adequate maintenance from the father to pay for that, are very common indeed!

It seems like women tend to see the worse case scenario before they are even fully aware of what their legal position would be, and what they would be entitled to via benefits etc. So a lot of the time they aren't even basing their decision to stay in facts!

We would do 50/50 childcare so no maintenance. And he won't leave the house. I would have to stay and force him to sell, which isn't in the dc best interests. He hates renting with a passion I've never known or understood. And he doesn't do change well either. So it's easier to let him have the house and in a few years he buys me out of the equity (he couldn't afford to now and the mortgage term is for another 3 years.)

I would love to stay in the house. Just because I think it would better for the dc. I also am not convinced that he will want 50/50 childcare forever, once the novelty has worn off.

@breathless
@SirChing has good advice regards residency orders, explore that

@BreathlessCommotion I feel for you. My DD is autistic too. Why would you and she automatically be the ones to leave the home? Have solicitors told you that you can't have a residency order based on child welfare? Have they said you won't get spousal support on top of child maintenance. My solicitor said I could go for that if I wanted and he is a decent earner but not over £75k.

I wonder why the solicitor hasn't said all this to you? How odd! Please tell me you have had legal advice and aren't just basing massive life decisions on what you worry may be the case in your imagination, rather then the legal reality and benefits you may be entitled to?

Because if you have stayed for those reasons, and haven't even bothered to find out if those assumptions are true, that's bloody terrible! Your kids could be happy!!!!! But if you can't even be arsed to find out, you are robbing them of that. How can you not see that? You are their MOTHER. So be a parent they need, not the parent which it's easiest to be.

Kids with ASD are SO sensitive to underlying tensions and vibes. Poor kid! Mines behaviour improved drastically when my marriage ended. Because she could tell things weren't right.

I know I am being harsh again, but for fucks sake! Get legal advice, get benefit advice, get the support of the school, and then DO SOMETHING. You will damage your DD so much if you don't. You already will be. Now buck up and be the parent your DD deserves!

I've had legal advice. The solicitor said that it is essentially between us to agree. That you have a deferred sale of a few years to give you time to buy out other person.

If we had 50/50 she said there wasnt much argument for me staying in the house. That we both had as much right to it. Maybe I need more legal advice. Or better advice. She said resident orders until 18 were very rare now.

Because it is my decision, he was calm for a while but he can be very nasty. There is history of emotional abuse. I am concerned if I try and fight him for the house it will be awful for everyone.

Why don't women just divorce

Because it isn’t as simple as walking into a shop and saying “I want a divorce please”

Because it takes time and a hell of a lot of money to divorce someone.

Friend is approaching her 4th year of trying to divorce her ex. Absolutely no income. DV, financial and emotional abuse coercive control. She has had to find a solicitor that will take the money at the end.

For the last 18 months alone he keeps coming up with more and more ludicrous hoops for her to jump through.
And even if she agrees then that doesn’t satisfy him and he comes up with more ridiculous things.

He is on his 3rd solicitor and number 4 looks like they are going to have to step in soon.

We would do 50/50 childcare so no maintenance

Has a solicitor said that?

And he won't leave the house. I would have to stay and force him to sell, which isn't in the dc best interests Really? Which solicitor said that then?

He hates renting with a passion I've never known or understood. And he doesn't do change well either

Diddums for him! Didn't his parenrs teach him that you can't always have what you want, and that when you have kids, they come first?

So it's easier to let him have the house and in a few years he buys me out of the equity (he couldn't afford to now and the mortgage term is for another 3 years.)

Bingo! And there we have the truth. It's easier FOR YOU AND HIM to let him have it. It isn't easier for your DD though is it? You know, that person you made and who has no control over things, and is at the mercy of her parents getting their head out of their arses, getting some legal and benefit clarity and PUTTING HER FIRST!

Still, who gives a fuck eh so long as her parents have minimal hassle? Harsh? Yep. True? You bet it is. The pair of you are being really bad parents with this. You genuinely think you are protecting the kids. You are ACTIVELY and now WILLINGLY harming them.

I am telling you this, because noone who loves you will ever be this harsh to you. But they will say it to each other and they will think it. I am also telling you so that you can never ever again say that you were "only putting the kids first". It is totally untrue. You are putting fear of change and your husband's wants before your DDs needs.

If you can't be truly happy in your marriage, then you are being a bad parent by staying in it and not taking steps to get clarity and sort things. Not bad enough for social service involvement, but now you have been told, you will be KNOWINGLY AND DELIBERATELY harming your kids if you don't change things.

Hate me if you like, that's fine. If it gives you the kick up the arse you need to begin to be an adequate parent to the kids who need you to be more than you have been, I truly don't give a shit. It's not my opinion or ahyone else's that matters. It's your children's. And you will be making them miserable. In the best case scenario, you just totally fuck up their ability to have healthy relationships. Worse case, like a PP said about their parents, they will hate you for it.

But as long as DH doesn't have to rent eh? Because that would clearly be the bigger trauma, obviously

@sirching I don't mean to say that I think she should have stayed. I just think that women often stay for financial concerns, and that is not just being materialistic. It's a lifetime of financial struggle.

He can be very nasty. And he won't put the kids first, he'll put himself first he always does. He will make it very, very difficult.

Yes that's what the solicitor said. I work in employment law, so I might ask one of my solicitor friends to recommend a family law solicitor and get some further advice.

You are absolutely right btw. Thank you.

@Oliversmumsarmy
You can get a no contest divorce after 2 years, sounds like crap solicitors.

@SirChing
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