Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

Posted too soon. I meant to add it's no good just talking to girls about this. What about the boys? It takes two to tango and one person can't make a relationship fair by themselves. Really the onus should be on young men to do a better job here, considering all the disadvantages the women face post childbirth.

I would have really benefitted from some role models of couples who shared work and childrearing. I keep hearing they exist on here but in real life I don't know any! A few successful women, sure, but in all cases they still carry most of the mental load.

PhineyJ its true that we need to talk to boys as well. But boys are not subjected to the same structural pressure to get married, settle down and cede their financial independence.

Boys benefit massively from the expectation that women will effectively serve them: raise their children and manage the home. There's no incentive for them to rock this boat.

Also boys are not socialised to be receptive to the whole mythology around the idea that a marriage or often more accurately a wedding is the ultimate goal of their life. Men are generally socialised to focus on their careers, their hobbies, their friends, first, and their families later. Many women are brought up to believe that snagging a (wealthy) man and having children with him is the sole goal of what they should aspire to. Even where they do pursue careers these are often regarded as a stopgap or a distraction and the subliminal message remains that without a husband and family they are not a success.

Until we remove this damaging mythology, women will continue to regard this as the ultimate measure of their success.

It’s only here on MN do I see the ‘it costs money to divorce’, seems a middle class/wealthy thing, I know plenty of ppl who are divorced; average to good earners.
Being alone, worse off etc should never be a reason to stay, if you don’t earn a lot you can get UC until you’re back on your feet, there’s no shame in getting help, MN wannabe divorcees seem incredibly naive; unaware of benefits and support available and post as if they & their kids will be on the streets with nothing.
Your fancy house and high earning man are worthless if you’re miserable.

Haha! Of course it costs to divorce. How can it not if you have one place to live before and need two afterwards?

I'm glad to be rid of him but my social life has gone down the river, I've nobody to go to the pub with and talk to, I had to sell my lovely house in the country and move miles away to a new job and town and I have a courtyard garden now instead of my previous 200 foot paradise

This. It's not just finances. I had the same experience. Losing your social network is very tough on top of being fucked over on finances. Maybe they weren't that great friends in the first place but that didn't make me feel better when I was alone in my new fucking studio apartment with no one to call and got out for a drink.

if you don’t earn a lot you can get UC until you’re back on your feet, there’s no shame in getting help, MN wannabe divorcees seem incredibly naive; unaware of benefits and support available and post as if they & their kids will be on the streets with nothing.

I don't think it's that simple. If I left my husband I would want to move back to my home town to be close to family for support. The house prices there are high I would be able to afford a mortgage on my own. Rental properties are extremely hard to come by and are extortionate. Even taking any benefits into consideration (I wouldn't be entitled to much there at all) and maintenance I would still really struggle.

It would also mean living in a shitty area as it would be all I could afford, which wouldn't be good for my DC at all. I grew up in such an area and there are many downsides and there is definitely a stigma attached.

It's not as simplistic as wanting to stay miserable in my "fancy house". Leaving would have a huge impact on my children's opportunities and outcomes. I'm hopeful that I can improve my earning potential over the next three to five years and then will be in a better financial position to leave but I won't be going anywhere until I can be sure I can provide a stable future for my DC, I would only be doing them a disservice.

@anpo
‘shitty areas’ ‘stigma’
What a horrible attitude, there are good decent people who live in these areas, who work hard, you know ppl who maybe earn a minimum wage, unable to get a mortgage.
You’re doing more of a disservice to your kids staying in a miserable home with miserable parents just so they can be privileged.

matcatlady

"my social life has gone down the river".

That's interesting, mine is the exact opposite. My exH was unsociable and controlling of my going out (and couldn't be arsed to organise anything). I found my social life improved exponentially when we split up. It means I have to pay for babysitters but I see so many people now who I didn't see so much of when we were married. And am allowed to meet and socialise with new people without them being accused of nefarious intentions.

Money. I'm in a situation now trying to decide. I was definitely leaving, but now not sure I can. I work, I earn more than him actually, although currently part time so actual earnings lower.

I would never be able to buy a house, so I'd be in insecure rental which costs more than a mortgage. I wouldn't be able to take the dog, who my children are very attached to. I'd have to move away from their school and friends (as there just aren't any rentals close by).

It feels like an awful lot for my dc to sacrifice just because I'm not happy.

If some handed me a lump sum/won the lottery I'd be gone in an instant.

I know there are good, decent people who live in these areas JKScot4 as I said I grew up there and know many lovely people who did also but that doesn't take away from the fact that the place was plagued with poverty and social problems. I won't apologise for not wanting that for my DC.

I don't think I'd be entitled to UC. My salary is £1500 a month after tax etc. But once you add rent, council tax, bills, fuel, food etc it goes above that.

I could rent in a really awful area of my city, miles away from school, friends, but I'm not willing to do that. This isn't snobbery (I grew up in a council estate), but in a city these areas have bars on windows and doors, significant social issues.

I’m know very few couples who sold the house, 90% the mum& kids stay in the family home. Why is this never a consideration on MN? get him to leave not you & kids. Or are all the MN DHs selfish greedy gits?

I’m know very few couples who sold the house, 90% the mum& kids stay in the family home. Why is this never a consideration on MN? get him to leave not you & kids. Or are all the MN DHs selfish greedy gits?

In my case that's also not an option. The house we live in belongs to his family and his assets are tied up in his business (all very conveniently!) As such he doesn't appear "rich" on paper and so would have to pay minimum child maintenance, so I'm well and truly trapped financially.

Sometimes it needs to be sold to allow the father to get a place of his own, that makes sense surely. Don't see it as greedy, don't think I'd be too happy to have to leave a home I worked for and have nowhere to live myself.

@heygirl
The dad is one person, he doesn’t NEED to own a home, the children’s security is far more important.

This is why I’ve been trapped paying 5% interest on the family home. I’ve estimated his refusal to allow me to remortgage or take over the mortgage at at better rate has cost me at least £140,000 and now he wants to fire sell it at £80,000 below market value. And the courts are allowing this, so he can move on with his life. Not get a penny from the deal I should point out. Why does he have no obligation to house his children ?

I'm one of those stupid sahm who didn't understand the financially precarious situation I put myself in when I stopped working, and I also didn't predict that my partner would be the way he is when we had a child. If I'd been on Mumsnet years ago I'd have known and I'd have recognised the signs. I can't leave until I find a better paying job and I don't know how to find a better paying job so I don't know how to leave.

Of course children more important but he'll need somewhere to live, and for them to.visit/stay.

He can rent he doesn’t NEED to buy.

Exactly- that is by far the better outcome than the typically lower earning mother being trapped into renting in worse areas with worse schooling etc

No but so often rent almost double a mortgage.

There’s also ways around these things if one is so inclined to look. With 25% equity in the fmh eityer party could transfer it to a buy to keg mortgage then purchase an additional property. This stuff is not rocket science

Mine refuses to rent. I could stay and force him to sell the house, but that isn't the best interests of the dc. That's what I'm interested in. He won't leave unless he's forced to as in his mind it is my decision to end the marriage.

Women think they won't manage alone re money & somewhere to live. Also their self worth is so low they think no - one else will want them. And often they think all relationships are awful like this, as that's all they've known.

@ChrissieKeller61

You both have an obligation to house your children, not just you but it shouldn't be one party in isolation either