Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

@CookieDoughKid that's awful.. But does it need to be?
Currently DH and I agree on most things, he earns twice what I do and travels a lot for work, so we've broached the subject of selling the house and splitting the equity to favour me, as I'd have to house the kids and do the majority of childcare.
We both have a pension which is OK, his worth more than mine I guess, so we'd need to find out what the value of that was. A very old car that only I drive. Some savings, not much, probably gone on setting him up with somewhere to live. Bikes, his. Apart from that nothing worth anything really.
I'd hope not to have to use solicitors too much, no courts over the children...
Maybe I'm being naive to think we could do it as simply as possible without ruining anyone's future..

Stegasaurusmum fwiw the couple I mentioned, at least the guy I dated was a lot happier post divorce. Such that he was single, albeit poorer but he could easily find new gf's (me but I was single at the time). I don't think his ex came off emotionally ok... especially when she had 4 kids to look after. I know they both sort counselling for months after. You can see why I decided to quit his emotional baggage quite quickly anyway.

I've seen marriages of my friends dissolve amicably but that's when both in the couple have a more equitable balance (both working, both have some sort of security or savings) so it's an easier split and the expectations is less over the 'well you owe me/I'm entitled) such and such. I think don't underestimate how nasty someone can get when they are under stress. Even if you've had 20years living happily and you thought he /she was a kind person. Divorce brings out the worst but I think the quicker you can agree your exit strategy and amicably, the less the legal folks need to rinse you to help you end the process.

I left my marriage three years ago. I still have no financial settlement from my divorce. That could go on for another year yet. My ex is living in our house, has paid no maintenance.

So divorce is difficult, and many women can’t afford to.

But it is absolutely amazing, and a huge benefit to kids if you can get out.

I agree, 7 years later the house isn’t resolved and he’s rather give it away than do the right thing and let me buy it. I still don’t have the lump sum settlement. Court orders aren’t worth the paper they are written on

"They don’t want their children to be living in reduced circumstances or to suffer in any way"

And they think that kids being aware (as they get older) that their mum stayed for cash ISN'T harmful? No Wonder we are fucked as a society when we are teaching kids that there is nothing you shouldn't do for material possessions.

I am not talking about people who wouldn't be able to feed their children. But, quite honestly, in a welfare state, in what percentage of times is that likely to be the reality.

Staying for material reasons is not remotely "for the kids" if you can still feed and clothe them, with help from the benefits system if necessary. Its for the woman. Massively. She is choosing to effectively prostitute herself for a bigger house/better car/holidays/better pension/whatever. And that is fine - if she has the balls to admit that to herself. Its not fine if she doesn't want her kids to grow up with the mindset that her access to money comes before their happiness. THAT'S the reality.

Its also not fine if any single one of those woman EVER looks upon other sex workers in a derogatory way. Earning a better house instead of £20 for a blow job (which probably IS genuinely going to feed her kids) doesn't change the fact that she is turning tricks for gain.

Great if she has her eyes wide open about that and the lesson she is teaching her kids. But don't make me laugh that it is for the kids and wont harm them, when she doesn't even have the reason of needing to feed and clothe them.

Its REALLY teaching our daughters to aim high isn't it? Still, at least their mum didnt have to experience any change, stigma or loss in lifestyle, so no doubt their mothers will justify it

Tued into a mortgage so cant get help with housing not enough income to pay rent.

It isn’t usually about bigger house etc. It’s about having to take your kids out of school, becoming homeless, having to live in refuges then temporary accommodation.

Yes you might end up okay in the end, but it can be years of massive disruption for your kids.

Chrissie, I don’t even have the court order yet!

money's the main thing. less well off women are worried that won't be able to put food on the table, more well off women are worried they'll have to downsize their nice house.

also social stigma, mutual friends, etc.

It isn’t usually about bigger house etc. It’s about having to take your kids out of school, becoming homeless, having to live in refuges then temporary accommodation.

Yes you might end up okay in the end, but it can be years of massive disruption for your kids.

^ And the kids do not thank you for it. They might understand if you're getting battered, but if you aren't it's not appreciated or understood

@Gre8scott you can still claim housing benefit if you are on a mortgage ... and split up obviously .... If i'd known that in 2004

@Nameofchanges I'm not saying don't get it but it isn't necessarily the end.

You can only claim for rent for six months if you own a property.

Chrissie, I appreciate your warning. I am not expecting it to be the end. I expect him to drag the house element out for as long as he possibly can. But the pension element is dealt with entirely by the courts and I don’t think he will have any way of mucking it up once the court part is done.

Finance, insecurity, fear of loneliness, product of society that places importance on having a partner even if he's a knob. I actually think most women would be better off alone, I know I certainly am.

@Nameofchanges - I haven’t got my half of the pension either - 7 fucking years later

I think it's mostly financial. So much more expensive living on your own. And nobody to put the bins out.

Can you explain why? It will help me be prepared.

Sorry, my post was to chrissie.

I’ll pm you to avoid my pitfalls ... mainly to do with his solicitors not doing their job. I really didn’t have a spare £500 to look over the final settlement document. Wish I had

I've left every man I've been unhappy with; including one I was married to and two I had had children with. I don't know that there's anything wrong with trying. It's just that once I get that horrible feeling of wanting to leave, I've felt really mentally and physically unwell until I've ended things. Most of my friends seem to stay in relationships no matter what, I guess I sometimes feel that I should've tried harder. But there was abuse in two of the relationships. It's all difficult sometimes isn't it, trying to do the right thing and also be happy.

@ChrissieKeller61 of course the kids don't thank you for it while they are still kids - they xond understand. But how would their mum being married to such an arse that he still hasn't settled the pension be better? That's a crap bloke and a shit example of manhood to model for them.

@SirChing they aren’t kids any more ... still don’t get it /give a fuck. He’s their dad 🤷‍♀️

Obviously the same standards don’t apply to their mother, didn’t speak to me for a year for not funding an extra curricular activity

If a man is decent, he won't screw his family financially in a split so if should be ok. If he IS so crap that he would fuck over the whole family entirely, then he is financially abusive. Which is even more harmful to the kids and more reason to leave!