Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

Presumably you do know the answer really. If only life were that simple.

I'd imagine they just can't afford to for some, afraid of being alone for others and a lack of self worth for the rest?

I suppose it's such an emotional upheaval.

Because if you're a parent it changes everything about life to come.

Every house, car, job and hobby is affected by your children and you'll often be worse off.

Because in reality what is a SAHM in her 40s with 3 kids going to do? Sometimes better the devil you know assuming not abusive.

Lack of money, fears of losing custody, nowhere else to go, fear of the unknown, fear of causing children emotional upheaval. Lots of reasons I imagine.

I have absolutely no idea! My neighbours have been living here for two years. They argue daily, they have explosive arguments very week (the whole fabric of the wall shakes as they throw things at each other), they have both been arrested for assaulting one another on different occasions, he has kids but they are in care and he doesn't want contact with them.

The point is, NOBODY else I know would put up with a tenth of the behaviour these two get up to. He would be 100% happier if he left her, she would be 100% happier if she left him. She sometimes storms out for a few days and it's nice and peaceful, but always is back within the week. She even went into a women's refuge but came back after 6 days!

Children

I'm assuming you have divorced someone you didn't like or love yourself op?

For many the main reason is financial.

Also it can make you feel like a failure. Because so many people think that being married is an achievement or something to aim for.

From my observations women stay due to money and the stigma/worries about being a single mother.

I don't think I realised until I started reading mumsnet how many women don't work or work very few hours and/or for low pay.

The vast majority of my female friends earn the same or more than their husbands.

It makes a big difference to power balance in a relationship and to womens' ability to leave

Because it can be financially ruinous
Because of the (often misplaced) fear of what it will do to the children
Because women are conditioned to believe that it’s their “job” to keep a marriage going when it has jumped the shark
Because women are told that they are a failure if they aren’t shackled to a man

To name the most obvious. Personally I think all these can and should be surmounted but there’s a very heavy burden of historical, societal and financial baggage. You can’t blame people being daunted by the prospect.

I'm in my 40s and I don't know many single people (I do know a few who are in second marriages). One of my friends is single after her marriage ended a few years ago, and everyone is very nice and kind but you can tell it's because they feel sorry for her. No one wants to be an object of pity.

Just to clarify given a couple of responses; this wasn't meant to be remotely goady.

Yes, I'm getting divorced. Took me 4 years because didn't want to break up the family. I'm blown away by how much happier we all are now, even the children. (Well, before we got stuck in together because of covid)

Mainly financial reasons. Even with a job it's a big financial upheaval.

Fear of the unknown; easier and feels safer to stay with what you are used to even if it's not good.

That's great OP - really pleased to hear that it's working out well for you

Glad you feel happier now op - I feel the same. It takes a lot of determination/energy/confidence to make that break though, doesn't it?

Money.

Most can't afford to. You can't even get a vile two bedroom flat round here, on a single salary, let alone a 3 bedroom.

So it took you four years yet you've come on here to ask why women stay in relationships that aren't working for them?? Hypocrite, much!!

arethereanyleft

I hear this so much: so many women are blindsided by how great separation actually is when you get through the tough bits. And how generally children cope so much better than one expects.

Most of the benefits of marriage are vastly overstated and the freedom from a bad partnership can be euphoric.

I wanted - and still do want - to shout it from the rooftops. We are still all so scared of being alone. And actually it can be so great.

I think people sometimes marry for the wrong reasons. Or marry young, and things change. Either way, once you’re in a marriage / family, it’s harder to get out of it... Glad I didn’t marry some of my earlier boyfriends.

Usually financial as so many quit work or do just a few hours once married. Some don’t want to be single so stay.