Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

The utter madness of my situation is though if I’d have left him when I was still pregnant as I nearly did I’d be financially better off than now and have youth on my side

I think this every time I come on here! It is worrying how many 'weak' women there are in the world.

I am an independent woman and would not settle for an unhappy marriage. I have a job and pay bills and have a child. I feel like many of them are afraid to be on their own so use the children/financial card as an excuse.

Well I divorced in my late 20s, no kids. It fucked me financially and I lost almost all my friends. Changed my life completely and not all in good ways. If I had kids, I would have probably stayed, would have been easier (assuming there is no abuse).

Wow OP you quickly lost your empathy!

It’s like ex smokers who can’t stand being near people who smoke!

This is why the fucking wedding threads enrage me so much. And this is going to be a feminist rant so please look away now if you're of a nervous disposition

There was only just yesterday about some silly cow who was asking her sister and friends to help plan her wedding and essentially reprimanding them for not being as excited as she was. A couple of posters responded to say she was being silly and spoiled and there was the inevitable pile-on of people saying "why are people so cynical about weddings?". "Why can't you be happy for her?"

This. This is why people are cynical about weddings. And they are right to be.

Because weddings and all the heinous, self-absorbed, tacky shit that goes with them blind women into making lifelong decisions which can at worst leave them miserable, destitute etc. All because they want a fucking meringue dress and matching tableware and five minutes of fame dancing to Abba at the front of a church hall. It's absolute lunacy.

I'll say it until I'm blue in the face. We would save a lot of people from awful, awful marriages and worse divorces if we stopped being so fixated on weddings and educated kids and particularly little girls to focus on what a marriage is and why its really important to make sure you do it only for the right reasons if you do it at all.

I feel like many of them are afraid to be on their own so use the children/financial card as an excuse

You can feel want you want but it doesn’t make it right. In fact it makes you incredibly ignorant and stupid. Children/financial ‘card’ just because they are lonely .., Jesus Christ.

@ChrissieKeller61 - me too; although my teenage children can clearly show me now how they've suffered for living like this - I always thought he might kill one of us or all of us - I thought if the children were older maybe they'd stand more of a chance. Now I asked myself did I just make that up. its very hard to look back and pick the bones out of it. I feel sick just explaining it here. He was never physically violent, it was psychological.

We were older parents to begin with and now late 50s/early 60s health issues have kicked in; although now he knows the kids will stand up to him he leaves them alone. If I'd had the courage to walk away when they were little ...

Not sure the OP gives a fuck anyway?

Lots of men also put up with women who are abusive. My sil is hard work and how my brother put up with her I don't know. She is a borderline alcoholic too. It's mostly women that are screwed , but a small percentage of men are suffering too and don't leave.
I feel for anyone the victim of DV : it must be awful and stressful and a desperate situation but also remember the men!

@Cheeeeislifenow I was made homeless for six weeks, but it was still better than a life of horrendous abuse. Still privately renting six years on.

I agree with you in the sense that I often read these threads and think their situation sounds completely unbearable.

In reality it's more complicated though. A common reason is that there are still good parts, that you have to toss up whether it's worth losing. It's not until you've been split up for a while that you realise actually those good bits weren't even that great.

I actually admire women who do leave.
A colleague of mine had a lot of grief after leaving her ex but she said she had to do it.
She did get a lot of help from her family to do it. House prices and rent is huge on your own ; another factor why people don't leave as well. It's not easy financially

Finance is certainly at least one aspect. Marriages where the wife earns more than the husband are 'dramatically' (according to Google) more likely to end in divorce.

Becuase too many women still live off a man by being stay at home parents, working part time etc so they have to stay for the money. You can’t leave if you don’t have money to pay for a home, food, bills etc etc

I do get a bit though when someone is with a man and they know his a dickhead yet they still get pregnant by him and wonder why his not turned in to a wonderful doting dad. I mean come on love what did you expect? You read it on here all the time
OP, I’ve got a newborn and DH is rubbish
Poster, is this a change in behaviour
OP, no his always been shit

Marriages where the wife earns more than the husband are 'dramatically' (according to Google) more likely to end in divorce.

What is the implication of that? That a lot of men are crap life partners and that women who don't feel trapped for financial reasons don't put up with it?

I stayed for so so long, miserable a lot of the time. Stayed for multiple reasons - children, finances, fear of the unknown, didn't want to upset my parents . No abuse, just not really in love. We are separated now, I am so much happier, no more arguments, we are together in lockdown and it's fine. Regret so much not doing it sooner, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Dreading the divorce but I don't care, I'm happy.

Yes, pretty much.

For me, divorce (which has been tempting the past few years) would mean my children growing up in a much worse off situation.

I know "staying for the children" is never a good thing when there is fighting at home/abuse but in my scenario (where there is none of that) I truly think it's best for them at this stage in their lives. I couldn't trust my husband to adequately meet their needs if we split up, at least this way I have control over that. Also it would be financial ruinous and as a child who grew up in poverty I'm not willing to do that to my children. So on I go for the time being!

@rainminusbow
I am glad to hear that you are happier. But with two children with sen this isn't really a possibility.
Homelessness for me is not a option. Unless abuse was an issue.

Lots of men also put up with women who are abusive. My sil is hard work and how my brother put up with her I don't know. She is a borderline alcoholic too. It's mostly women that are screwed , but a small percentage of men are suffering too and don't leave.
I feel for anyone the victim of DV : it must be awful and stressful and a desperate situation but also remember the men!

Not remotely on the same scale as male perpetrated domestic violence. I'll leave the men to look after themselves. Sorry

I agree with what I think is the general thrust of the OP’s inquiry: more women should consider divorcing their husbands much earlier than they do.

Personally, the quality of mine and my children's lives would go down. We would have to support two households on our current income which would mean no holidays, no trips out, nothing nice and no savings. Psychologically it would also impact negatively on the children as my husband and I co-parent quite well I think. There's no abuse, no violence, no other women (anymore) just past behaviours which have led us to fall out of love and into complacency. Hopefully by the time the children leave home I'll have enough stashed away to buy a little cottage by the sea and live out a blissful, single retirement!

"Leave the men to look after themselves"? You should be sorry

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

I just think that men are overlooked.
I'm sorry if that upsets people on here and my thread did say it's a small number. I feel for all who put up with DV
Not all men are abusive a holes!

We would save a lot of people from awful, awful marriages and worse divorces if we stopped being so fixated on weddings and educated kids and particularly little girls to focus on what a marriage is and why its really important to make sure you do it only for the right reasons if you do it at all.

This!!

If you want to get married that's fantastic. But there is way too much pressure on having to get married and then there is the stigma of getting a divorce. This is more prevalent in certain families but I do believe if there was less pressure to be married then people would only marry if they really wanted to.

I feel sorry for men in bad relationships or who are victims of DV too. But that wasn't the question being asked. The question being asked was why do women not just divorce? And there's been a lot of chat on here about women not getting divorced when they're unhappy, not necessarily when it's abuse. So sure, men in DV or other abusive situations deserve pity, but they don't need to be centred in this conversation.

If, anecdotally or statistically, there was evidence that many men stay in relationships in which they are very unhappy, and the question was then asked, "why don't more men just get divorced" that would create a different discussion.