Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

Because its horrific. I'm going through it now. Everything you though your life would be is gone, your kids lives are turned upside down more often then not the house will need to be sold.

It cost's money, time and sanity.

I'm not saying that there isn't light at the end of the tunnel - I know I will be better off without my stbexh, but that doesn't make it easy.

For me it would be not being with my children all the time due to custody, and ex having a new partner and my kids having a step mum. I know it happens all the time but I cant bare the thought of this.
Also finances.

Well, speaking from personal experience: fear of change, sense of personal failure (felt it was my duty to keep him happy), financial concerns, the children.

It was all bollocks, of course. Once I started calculating what the financial situation would really be, the clouds started lifting and I did end up starting divorce proceedings (he died before they could be completed). When I told my mum, she did ask me if I 'couldn't just be nicer to him'. Oddly enough that made me more determined, not less.

But the caveat is that I have always worked full time in pretty well paid jobs. Not massive £££ but enough to keep a household going. It's not like that for everyone.

Congratulations on getting out, I totally get that sense of lightness!

Because life isn't always that simple.

They may lose their very young childten half of the time. Happened to me six years ago.

Many reasons OP:

Sometimes it's worth working at a marriage.
Sometimes people come to MN just to have a rant/vent.
There are 2 sides to every story.
No one knows the whole picture apart from the person themselves.
Divorce is a whole new kettle of worms.

There is rarely a way to 'just divorce' .

Do you know the answer?

nicelegs please remember you may not have a choice.

@HugeAckmansWife Oh, I assure you that I do

Women will put their children first before themselves. The risk of losing financial security (especially if the parter is the main breadwinner,) the fear of the emotional upheaval for the kids. A woman will weigh up the pros & cons of separation but not usually with herself in mind.

Trying to live on a single salary (which often isn't very high because of needing to be around for the children). Paying council tax, rent, car, electricity, food, school uniform and then hearing the kids complain because you don't take them on holiday 'like our friends'.

Because the man says he will go for custody if you leave.

Because you know people who have it worse and still stay together.

Because you were warned not to marry him by others (who could see what he was like) and you married him anyway and can't face the 'I told you so's'.

There are many many many reasons why women stick with marriages that are failing.

Because they are afraid to lose their homes, their money, their friends, possibly their children? Because divorce is extremely traumatic. Because they may not have a support system behind them to help them through it? It must be extremely difficult and I would never judge someone for choosing to stay in a bad relationship because divorce might actually be worse.

Really interesting responses.

It's a shame about the 'stigma' reason, it's a shame that puts women off being happier. But it does. It did me for a long time. Hopefully society will slowly remove that reason.

I'm trying now, with whenever anyone tells me about anything in their life which would normally elicit a sympathy response - to say 'are you happy?' As my first response.

What gets to me on mn are the posts where the op details something horrendous her husband has done, but details it in a 'tut, men, eye roll' fashion. As if it hasn't occurred to her that this shouldn't be acceptable.

To clarify again, I wasn't judging whatsoever.

IMO many feel that they are not allowed to and come online looking for permission to do so or validation of the gut churning sense that something isn’t right.

Most relationships decline slowly so that they may feel unbearable but within in the realms of ‘normal’ (sometimes with an already skewed sense form childhood) and boundaries are gently expanded to accommodate what they would not have chosen to sign up for. Then one thing goes too far and the alarm bells go off or they’ve been going off for a while but become to loud to ignore.

And then add the kids, the home, money and so on.

Some women face cultural and/or religious pressure
Pressure to stay since ‘marriage is for life’

For the same reasons we don't just marry. And I don't care who you are, it's always a shock realising that divorce is the best option. Nobody marries to divorce. It's a big thing to process before you actually take the steps to go through with it.
One of the most upsetting things a CAFCASS officer said to me years and years ago was, "Your ex-husband claims you divorced him on a whim."
There is NO such thing as a divorce on a whim. Finances don't allow for that, first off. And I don't think anyone with kids is flippant about divorce. It still burns me up that comment, as if I just tossed away the life we'd built up without a care in the world.

Sorry OP! I'm not having a go at you... or anyone in particular.

nicelegs how can you know you'll have a choice? If your husband decides to leave, the most you can do is delay things for 5 years. One if the worst things about my divorce was that I was given no say in the end of my marriage, ex decided unilaterally to go off with OW and then rewrite history about how unhappy he'd been (we were married less than 2 years). It was horrific, emotionally draining and my kids are not fine. Some years on they would still much prefer we were together. I think if a marriage is just a little stale, monotonous more effort should be made to address that. Obviously if its genuinely awful then it can be the best thing but split families and all that comes with that is not to be undertaken lightly.

No worries @TheVanguardSix
The inclusion of 'just' in my title was clearly a big mistake!

Is there really a stigma on being divorced? Nowadays?

I think it's money.

It's women who end up much worse of financially after a divorce.

Often they get custody of the children which can impact on their ability to earn more.

I'd like to divorce. But I know the children and I will be left scrabbling around for money if I do.

Because we wouldn’t be able to do 50/50 care because of his job so if we split, then I would have to get up even earlier and get both of them ready for school and drop them off on the way to work. (I do even I get pick up, he gets home at 7pm).

I just need the second pair of hands at the minute I cannot cope working full time on my own with both kids.

The minute they are in year 7 and can get the bus to school I will re think! I swing from being happy to not!!

nicelegs how can you know you'll have a choice? If your husband decides to leave, the most you can do is delay things for 5 years.

@HugeAckmansWife because .... I've never been married. And don't intend to get married!

I was so terrified

What I didn't realise is that the hard part is the bit leading up to separation

I thought I was at the bottom of a steep mountain. In fact, I was almost at the peak, and it was only a few more metres to the top. Exhilarated once I got over the initial shock

I love being the head of my small family, and single parenting

That's lovely @Ilets . And really true.

So true about year 7 @Jimdandy . A friend of mine said from 0, 6 of her class of 30 all got divorced as soon as youngest in y7. Two pairs of hands just so useful before that.