Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

Because divorce is, by its very nature, difficult and expensive. You are unpicking a legal arrangement that was intended to be permanent.

For me the more pertinent question a lot of the time is, why do women get married or get pregnant?

When I read a thread where someone has been married for a long time, has kids with her husband is perhaps financially dependent on him, I can understand it's not as simple as "just get divorced". But when I read a thread where someone is getting married, or has recently got married, or is recently pregnant, and it's clear that there have been massive red flags in this relationship since day one, I can't help but think, "Why are you doing this to yourself? You should have been running for the hills long before you said yes or saw that second line on the pregnancy test!"

All these reasons are true. But from years of reading MN I've realised it's also because many many women have been programmed to think that their unhappiness, their husbands' behaviours, the drudgery etc is all normal and acceptable and/or their own fault. So they don't divorce, or even consider divorce, because they have been brainwashed to believe that if they just try harder things will be better.

And then, when they start to think that maybe, just maybe, this ISN'T how life should be and that maybe it ISN'T their fault, all these other factors kick in - finances, threats, fears of rejection/judgement, concerns about the children etc.

SIL spent years thinking it was 90% her fault their relationship was bad. Now she's in the phase where she's thinking it's not but her worries are:

1. doesn't want things to be worse for the DC
2. He's a good dad and she doesn't want to take him away from the DC
3. He might actually get custody, or at least 50% and she doesn't want to be away from the DC
4. She earns much more than him and worries if shed have to continue to support him in another home
5. She's not good at relationships and now everybody (mostly PIL) will judge her for failing yet again.

The problem is that so many women stay because they think it will "get better"(It wont!) or because years of social conditioning make them stay "for the sake of the children" and so on .Almost every woman is worse off after being divorced sadly and this is true even of wealthy people .(A friend was having to fight her DH, even though he had a property empire worth millions!) Most men wont give up money freely and women and children have to pay the price .Even now most men earn more over their lifetimes and women have to take time for family commitments

@peperethecat - I think you are right.

The question really shouldn't be "why do woman not divorce these men?" but "why did they marry these men, then have DC with them?", "Why do some woman chose to build a life with a man who's not supportive/kind or they don't love?"

It's not surprising that woman who've decided to build a life with someone who's a bit shit continue to put up with him being a bit shit for years, because they've decided for whatever reason, that they want to be with some shit.

It works the other way as well BTW - many men are unhappy in their relationships, but don't leave.

There are so many couples who I thought when they got married they weren't all that well suited, so far around a decade from that period in my life when we were at weddings every other weekend, only 1 couple have split up. I'm guessing most are continuing to bob along not 100% happy but if it wasn't bad enough for them to leave before mortgage and kids, it certainly isn't now.

For me it was due to the effects of my parents divorce on me and my siblings. It was horrendous and massively affected all of us. I promised myself I would NEVER put my kids through that. Also like others have said the idea of then having new women in their lives as OH moves on. Makes me feel sick. But... I did. Husband left in February. Still not 100% sure I'm going to go through with it though. I miss family life so much and I miss my husband and his friendship.

There are so many couples who I thought when they got married they weren't all that well suited, so far around a decade from that period in my life when we were at weddings every other weekend, only 1 couple have split up. I'm guessing most are continuing to bob along not 100% happy but if it wasn't bad enough for them to leave before mortgage and kids, it certainly isn't now.

Most of the married couples we know seem well suited but I can think of a few exceptions. One has a husband who seems nice enough but is over a decade older than her and very rich. She has been telling us she's on the point of leaving him pretty much since they got married, but who knows whether she actually will. She has a very comfortable life with him. Another has a husband who is a total arsehole but he is semi famous with a very glamorous job and she has the kind of lifestyle that she could never hope to have without him. I reckon they will stay together and be miserable.

Another couple got married just last year, the whole wedding was a total fiasco, he left her less than a week later and moved into a flatshare, they were getting divorced and her father was threatening to sue him, and now he has moved back in with her and they are giving it another go. Fuck knows what they are doing. I don't know how anyone's marriage can come back from that.

Money, for me. DH and I should never have gotten married in the first place, we're not well suited at all. I knew it on my wedding day in all honesty, and I think a lot of my friends and family did too. But I was absolutely desperate for a family, and had such low self esteem that I assumed I would never find anyone else in time. I was only 28 at the time too, so it was utterly ridiculous.

However, I won't leave him at the moment as I would rather my children see their father every day and live in an ok-ish 3 bedroom house with a garden, than live between two parents in two shitty flats.

He's a good man, and we get along really well as friends, and he's an absolutely incredible father. There's an unspoken agreement between us that we will split up when the children are much older and we have more equity in the house in order to sell. I imagine there are many people in this situation - my Aunt and Uncle split up the minute their youngest turned eighteen.

I think a lot of women are financially dependent on their spouse and also see being divorced or a single Mum as some sort of failure. In fact it’s the opposite- it’s tough to be a single mum and we should be giving them respect.

I left my ex, it was hard but I’m so much better off now. But I never had any positive comments on that, only negative. We need to be more supportive of women leaving bad relationships and stop looking down on single mums.

Good on you for making your own way op.

Hear hear @CayrolBaaaskin

And, @peperethecat
This is an excellent question 'why do they get married and have children in the first place?' That is societal pressure and societal norm at its worst. I don't think I put any thought in to it. Getting married and having kids was just what you do.

Duh! Many cannot afford it.

why do they get married and have children in the first place?

SIL wanted DC and was getting older.

She also had a "string" of failed relationships behind her - I'd argue that she'd dated a number of men but that the relationships hadn't worked out so she'd moved on but "string of failed relationships" is how the extended family prefer to refer to it.

So even though she wasn't convinced her nowDH was right for her, she didn't feel she could dump him as a) everyone thought he was lovely b)he was willing to "put up with" her c) PIL were making significant noises about how if she was too picky she'd never be able to have a baby.....

It never ceases to amaze me how societal expectations of women cause such shit.

This is an excellent question 'why do they get married and have children in the first place?' That is societal pressure and societal norm at its worst.

I suspect that some women marry a man they know is wrong for them because they want to have kids and they're worried they won't find anyone else in time, as @namechangetheworld suggested. But interestingly I think it's often women around 30 who do this, rather than older women. In your early 20s you don't need to worry about it, but when you get to 30 and everyone else is starting to get married and have kids it can be easy to think that all the men are taken and if you don't bag one quick you'll end up alone and childless.

By contrast, women aged 35-40 have much more of a biological clock issue going on but seem less likely to settle. Not sure why. Maybe it's because if they were the settling type they'd have done it years ago.

but "why did they marry these men, then have DC with them

I think many get carried away with getting the perfect proposal and their big day and just want that then reality kicks in ant by then there are already children. Others settle as they want children etc and the man can provide and finance that.

I don’t think marriage is seen as a lifelong commitment anymore for many given how many do it multiple times and maybe it’s too easy to get married. Not sure how you’d change that though.

My sister is thoroughly miserable but reckons she can't afford to be without him. As someone who got out quick myself and ended up a singe mum on benefits I don't get it. I was much happier poor than living with that idiot I was married to!

I personally think too many women rely on their husbands financially rather than striving for financial independence. A very dangerous situation for anyone to get themselves into.

Money. If I had enough money to buy a nice houses and support myself and DC, I’d get divorced tomorrow. But I don’t have that option. And by the time DC have grown up, my earning ability will have been eroded to the point that I still can’t leave. Basically the only way I’ll ever be free is if DH dies.

To be fair an awful lot of men change completely when children come along. It's not really fair to blame the women for not seeing red flags that genuinely weren't there before. The level of sacrifice involved in having a child isn't appreciated beforehand, no matter what people tell you and many people, not just men, struggle with the need to cut back on hobbies or socialising. On the whole, women take the ML and their life develops a different shape whereas the men sort of carry on as normal with work but just suddenly have this huge restriction. They aren't making new friends at toddler groups or whatever. Huge generalisations here of course but I think it accounts for a lot of the women who find themselves married to un supportive partners.. They genuinely didn't know and once kids are in the mix it's much much harder

Because me and my children would be homeless HTH.

I honestly can't imagine staying married to a man I didn't love and/or was abusive solely for financial reasons. That will never make you happy!

I wonder that too. But sometimes im reminded that society can be awful to women and married women believe they have protection in a marriage.

But a husband's selfishness and cruelty always hurts more than some randomer's sneer

Well, it took me ages to divorce because of everyone saying it is a huge thing to do, ruins children's lives, causes financial ruin etc. None of that has turned out to be true.

I cant work as disabled. Sure we have less money, but enough to get by and have holidays etc. My DD is miles happier, me and exH get along brilliantly now (and he isn't destitute either), I have kept the house, and it's so so so much easier being out the other side of it all.

None of the practicalities were or are worse than living with the stomach churning feeling of knowing you aren't happy.

If people want to stay and can't face making changes, though, that's up to them. I personally wanted DD to have a better template of healthy relationships than my marriage was showing her. No abuse, no arguments, just.........blah. Very little fun and happiness. I decided that wasn't good enough for my DD.

Presumably it's due to not wanting to break up the family.

I am in Ireland..
You have to be seperated three months to claim benefits.
The average rent in the country is about 1000 per month.
There are no council houses. You could literally be waiting ten years.
If you have no family to stay with, there is literally no where to go.
You can obviously contact a refuge but if there isn't abuse?
Any way, things change and people do rant on here.
And moving kids from comfortable surrounding to a shitty apartment maybe nowhere near their school. Doesn't always sound appealing.

And by the time DC have grown up, my earning ability will have been eroded to the point that I still can’t leave.

I think far too many women accept far too easily that they will have to take a hit to their careers and their earning potential if they want children. I can see the appeal in taking long maternity leaves and staying at home with children while they are small, but it is almost always the women who do this and never the men. No wonder there is a gender pay gap.

I live in a country where maternity leave is 16 weeks (usually 6 weeks before the due date and 10 weeks after the birth) and most women just tack a couple of weeks' annual leave onto the end of that and then go back to work. There isn't really a culture where women are staying at home for years on end, not earning anything and financially dependent on their husbands.

At first I thought the idea of going back to work when your baby is only three months old was completely barbaric, but now I'm starting to see the upside. When the time (hopefully) comes for us, I will take a few months' unpaid leave after maternity leave but I won't be taking a year off. Other women here manage perfectly well without doing that, and we can't afford to be without my income. I'm sure it will be emotionally hard, but we'll manage, just like everyone else does.

I stayed for 10 years longer than I should have because I knew however awful he was with me he would be worst without. He had to at least pretend to give a shit whilst I was watching. Off the less he’s a selfish neglectful twat I am forced to share children with