Help- DD12 sent nudes! Should I go to the police?

[Tinkerbellone]

My DD12 was pressured via instagram to send nudes. The person was not anyone she knew but they direct messaged her.
She was bombarded with explicit texts and pictures. She felt harassed to send.
She was terrified.
We have always had talks about e-safety. Privacy.
What do I do? She's tearful and emotional. I've stayed calm and listened.
Do I call the police? Will social services be involved? I admit I'm scared as to what to do!

Im so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter. Tell the police they can investigate and hopefully out the twonk in prison.

Yes, actually, I have read the thread and I've read what actually happened when the police spoke to the OP.

Yes, actually, I have read the thread and I've read what actually happened when the police spoke to the OP.

Funny that you aren't addressing my point about you claiming previous posters explaining the law is the same as discouraging victims to report crimes. I suspect your comprehension of those posts may be a bit off.

Definitely

For Tinkerbelone, so how's your daughter today? I've been thinking of her The relief to her that 'the grownups' are going to sort this out for her, must be palpable, love her.

But isn't that like telling a 12 year old who's been raped that she could be done for underage sex if she reported it

No, as the law is different.

It is illegal to create and share sexual images of children. It is that black and white.

Sexual acts the law is different.

The law is not the same for every crime. Sharing images is a different crime to sexual activity and the law is applied in a different way.

So how come the OP's update didn't include how the police warned the 12 year old that she may face prosecution? After all, its legal fact. Seems there will be rather a lot of disappointed posters who were only saying.

I'd reported this thread as I thought the OP was worried enough without being people just pointing out that her daughter had broken the law. However, its good that the update has confirmed that the police handled it really well.

Incidentally, for those who were only pointing out the facts, maybe the person who solicited these images might have explained the law to victims as well - co-erced them into it and then said "you know you can be prosecuted don't you? Only saying".

So how come the OP's update didn't include how the police warned the 12 year old that she may face prosecution? After all, its legal fact. Seems there will be rather a lot of disappointed posters who were only saying.

Whether or not the police decide to make the point to a young girl who is the victim of grooming doesn't determine if a crime is a crime or not

She's. Not. Going. To. Face. Prosecution.

They may have decided that it wasn't the time to bring it up. They may not bring it up at all. That doesn't mean that a criminal act wasn't committed according to the legislation. That's not how law works.

Under different circumstances then sending explicit photos would be illegal, but the fact she's been groomed makes all the difference.

Again, that's not how the law works. If you can find the part of the Act that lists being the victim of grooming as a defence then I'll gladly admit to being mistaken. But unless that's in there, it isn't a defence. The police don't get to just ignore the law and decide whether a crime is a crime because of the horrible circumstances surrounding it. They can only decide whether to pursue it or not. Which they won't, because it would be ridiculous to treat her as a criminal, and isn't in the spirit of what the law is intending to do. That's the discretion they have.

Incidentally, for those who were only pointing out the facts, maybe the person who solicited these images might have explained the law to victims as well - co-erced them into it and then said "you know you can be prosecuted don't you? Only saying".

All the more reason for parents to be more widely aware of the actual law, and how it is handled by the police and social services in practice, surely.

Op I hope you and your DD are both doing well today. Sometimes when the initial rush passes things hit home a little more, but just keep remembering you did the right thing and your DD is lucky to have you as her mum.

@BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs thank you for asking. My DD is very clingy wanting hugs (also wanting a replacement phone!) still sleeping in my room.
I've been tired and snappy today. Very grumpy with the other children. Think it's a bit of reaction setting in.

Thank you so much to all the posters on here & for the private messages. Your kindness has overwhelmed me. ❤️

No SS call yet. Praying her dad doesn't get to know.

All those helpfully pointing out that technically this child has committed a crime are then stridently assuring op that of course police won’t pursue it as such when challenged on their original statement.

Begs the question, why say it in the first place?
It means nothing in this context, not a thing.
Op’s Daughter will be classed as/treated as/recorded as a victim. Full stop.

There’s no reason at all to have said it, it’s a technical point which is of absolutely no use or relevance to THIS person in THIS circumstance.

It serves only to muddy the waters and hint at wrongdoing of this child. Odd that anyone would choose to do that and disappointing that so many have

Well done OP!

Usually police /ceops/ssd are nothing other than supportive in these circs!

Hope your girl bounces back OK!

That's very understandable @Tinkerbellone!
You're under a lot of pressure so it's completely natural to find yourself being snappier than normal. Don't be too hard on yourself! Lots of deep breaths and finding moments for yourself to help calm down, even just briefly, should help (if it's possible).

You can both only take it one day at a time and hope for some good news from the police.

I wish I could give you some hope about SS but I just don't know enough about it - did you speak with them and let them know about his abusive history? I'd hope that they would at least inform you before notifying him if they are required to, to give you some time to mentally prepare.

If OP has gone to the police just on the flowery words on this post, she could have been shocked to learn her daughter has committed a crime and all that comes with it. No one is victim blaming because what's happened to her is awful, but the truth is the child should not have been on Instagram, and should know that taking nude pictures is wrong and against the law. It completely is relevant to try and give the OP as much info as PP can, especially if they are talking from experience.

Your poor daughter!

DCITennison it's been explained pretty clearly that it was brought up to forewarn Op in case it was mentioned by the police/social services. It's a factual detail that she could use to help prepare herself and her DD for what might be said by the authorities/school. It can still be mentioned even if not pursued. Not in an accusatory way, but from a safeguarding perspective. I'd still rather hear it from a random poster online first so I could research it or prepare the right questions to help reassure myself while waiting for the police than be potentially blindsided by the authorities with it and risk panicking in front of DD, or risk DD finding out when I wasn't there and her panicking without me to help her.

There's absolutely zero judgement in relaying the law unless you believe everyone that commits a crime is inherently to blame and a bad person, which says more about the person that thinks that than the poster setting out the facts. Rather than accepting that it's something that could well be raised, or finding something factual to refute what was said, posters preferred to spend time arguing based on limited or non-existent information and calling others victim blamers and arseholes for daring to give Op the full picture. That's not ok. We aren't the ones suggesting that any blame should be shouldered by OP's DD and we didn't write the bloody law. Disagree it's the right time to raise it by all means, but accusing people of making it up and blaming OP's DD really isn't on.

What's odd and disappointing to me is posters thinking it's better for someone to be misinformed and that anyone that doesn't agree is a victim blamer, but we all see things differently. At least now Op has all of the relevant information and can decide what to do with it. That's all posters were aiming to do.

Imagine if no-one had mentioned the crime aspect to OP before she spoke to the police. Imagine if OP had come back and said, “The police told me DD committed a crime herself when she did this! They won’t prosecute but i was really shocked and upset to hear that!” and then people on this thread said, “Well, yes, we knew that actually but didn’t tell you because... reasons.” No-one wanted OP to be wrong-footed and shocked when she was already in a stressful situation sitting in front of a police officer!

OP
I want you to be aware your daughter is not the only child to have done this and it is sadly more common than people realise.
It's not going to be a subject that parents are going to chat about if their child has become a victim so you won't necessarily hear about other cases.
I can tell you I live in a relatively small town and work for the locals authority. I personally have become a case worker for 6 children who have done this since February. My colleagues will be dealing with similar numbers. Many of these young people have had internet safety awareness classes t school and already knew the damages but got flattered by a bit of attention an next thing they were out of the depth and frightened.

The police are supportive as you have found out. Support is avaialab,e for the child. In Lancashire where I live each area has its own child sexual exploitation team such as Operation Deter and Operation Awaken.
There is also a website called Trust Ed that is useful.

There’s no reason at all to have said it, it’s a technical point which is of absolutely no use or relevance to THIS person in THIS circumstance

Posters were (and are) saying it isn’t a crime because of her age, coercion etc.

Also if one person reads this thread and learns it is a crime, and informs their child so they know anyone asking for “nudes”- is asking them to a) commit an offence and break the law and b) asking them to create and distribute child sexual images- and if it means they are better informed so if —when— they get that request they feel better armed to tell them to fuck off, how can that not be relevant.

OP well done on everything.

Would it be possible to pre-empt and get in touch with SS yourself? If you were able to recount the history and stress that informing him is likely to have a very detrimental effect on their relationship and leave her open to abuse and victim blaming from him, then hopefully they would be prepared to listen to that? Put the focus on your DD, not any comment about your relationship with him (although of course you would put things in context re the DV, etc.)

Does she have regular positive contact with her dad now?

Remember to tell her that she is a victim here, that she's not in trouble, but that the other person is. And that you're proud of her for telling you.

@notacooldad
Thank you. That's reassuring to know.

SS have called me today. Very nice lady. She said there is no need for her dad to know, especially if it will cause more distress. She pointed me to counselling etc. She's happy to leave it at a phone call.
That's such a relief. Will have to explain the missing phone but don't want to lie.

Will have to explain the missing phone but don't want to lie.

You mean explain to her dad? Lie.

He gave up any right to have your respect and honesty - or any obligation to be kept in more than the most basic loop regarding personal matters in your life and that of your DD - when he laid his hands on you.

Tell him her phone fell in the bath and xxx is the way he can contact her until it's sorted out.

Then when she gets a brick phone for contact, lie again and tell him there's been some issues with friends talking to strangers online and you and DD have both agreed that social media is to wait until she is a bit older.

Or anything that you think he will be satisfied with.

Honestly - he's done it to himself, if he were a decent parent or person it wouldn't be an issue because his DD could reply on him to have her back. Clearly, she can't. So don't feel one bit obligated to not lie to him.

Lie about the phone, please do.

You obviously have a wonderful relationship with her and a huge part of that is trust in you.

You're dealing with this really well and her dad being involved won't help.