Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

I would like to speak from my own experience in explaining why you should categorically not address this with her. I was exactly the same age, similar sort of reasons for divorce, living in a close-knit area. I felt everyone was watching my divorce play out, and when I finally started seeing someone again I felt guilty for being out and about with my new partner knowing I could bump into my ex, his family or our mutual friends at any time. Dealing with the myriad of emotions caused by a long term split is difficult enough without having to deal with the scrutiny you feel you're getting in a small town. I can fully see why she wants to get away.

The greatest source of strength I had during that time was the unwaveringly loyal support from my family. For the sake of your relationship with your daughter I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself. She sounds very brave and at 30 she is more than capable of having thought this through. She is therefore unlikely to welcome your unsolicited advice.

I remember your earlier posts. Tbh it sounds like you are determined to shoehorn her into a situation (and a marriage) which she is obviously not happy in. I think you have been told numerous times to butt out. She’s an adult and old enough to make her own decisions.

Has it never occurred to you that the “close community” which you clearly love is obviously very stifling to her?

Are you the poster who posted a few days ago about her daughter not being able to afford to live in London? Your usernames are of the same vibe, so I think you are.

Seriously, you have to let it go. It's nothing to do with you. She is 27 or 30, whichever one is her real age. She can make her own decisions.

If she doesn't like living in London - she'll move again! If she finds she can't comfortably afford the lifestyle she wants - she'll move!

I think you need to take a look at yourself and figure out why you can't cope with your daughter moving away. Yes it will be difficult and you'll miss her, but you can text/call/FaceTime etc. It will be so fun when she comes for a visit and you'll make the most of your time together, possibly doing things that you wouldn't normally do. And you can plan a fun visit to London.

I hope you are able to make peace with this OP.

I would guess she feels suffocated by her current life and wants to escape that. The fact that you want to know best how to approach getting her to change her mind and that you think her ex is a lovely man speaks volumes. No wonder she wants out. Support her to do what she wants, no ifs, no buts. It's not about you.

I moved to London on my own and made loads of friends through work (one of whom is one of my very best friends 25 years on) mostly and also knew a few people from school who'd moved there which helped. If she's an extrovert, she'll have a fine old time.

She might regret leaving her nice safe life but she probably won't.
Don't try and hold her back and I think at 30 she can make up her own mind.

my dm cried her eyes out when i said i was getting married - at 27 ! only child and leaving home [to escape from her over bearing, living through me ways]

NoMorePoliticsPlease, I may not have dc having gone through a divorce but that is primarily because they haven't married.

I do have a dd who is disabled with some MH problems, very extrovert but also suffering from anxiety and PTSD. Up to the start of the pandemic she was living her best life in London! Moving away was exactly what she needed to get over a difficult past Of course I found it hard to see her go, but I also knew she needed to be an adult even though the odds had been stacked against her. Coming back home for pandemic and other medical-related reasons has not been good for her at all: here she has to work much harder not to sink back into the old her.

She 30, mate. I moved to London at 23, I am 28 now and doing just fine. She'll manage.

Your DD is 30. An adult. With a plan.

She has been honest enough to end an unhappy marriage (which takes guts), and she can support herself financially. Why on earth aren't you proud of her instead of trying to control her?

It may not just be her husband that she wants to get away from. It sounds like your 'close-knit, rural' community is suffocating her. And I'm afraid that includes you.

OP, you’re making lots of unfounded assumptions here.

I moved cities in my mid thirties after a long term relationship break up (13 yrs) to one where I knew no-one and had to initially rent a room in a shared house. I didn’t have any family to fall back on (both parents dead), so it was always going to be down to me. At least your DD knows she can call or visit occasionally if she wants to.

I didn’t make many friends but that was mainly due to working long hours. I eventually met my now DH and have moved again but managed to make loads of friends where I live now, as I’m a SAHP.

Swapping everyday reality for a wild life in the big city is a popular fantasy. As long as DD realises it's likely to take a lot of effort, and the ability to cope with rejection, she could make it work.

I've moved around a lot and found it much harder to make new friends in my 30s than in my 20s. People are already settled in their friendship circles and/ or families.

Same with relationships. Most of the men I met were either partnered already or had obvious reasons why they weren't, eg misogynists or self-centred or with personal problems. I know that sounds unfair, but it's just life.

You can have a fantastic time in London -- I've never found it unfriendly. Probably the best thing to do is the same anywhere: get involved with things that interest you, so you'll meet like-minded people.

I don't know what you can do about it, OP, except to wish her luck, and never say "I warned you" if things are more difficult than she expects. I really hope it all goes well for her.

Sounds like a brilliant idea. London is made up of lots of small communities. She'll thrive, I'm sure.

I moved to London aged 27 with no job, no flat and knowing no one. That was 15 years ago and I now have a husband, children, a house and a wide and diverse circle of friends, many of whom I made in my early years in London.

London is mostly made up of people who come from somewhere else. People here tend to be very open to new people, new friendships, new experiences. And the friendships you make can be very deep and very supportive because so many people are here without the scaffolding of having family and childhood friends nearby.

One of the things that makes me worried about living elsewhere is the sort of attitude I’ve seen where my SIL lives - that they are very close-knit and not much space in people’s lives for newcomers or people they haven’t known most of their lives.

She’s 30 so she can’t make her own decisions and she’s an extrovert which means she will make friends in no time .
Let her do what she needs to

At 30, in London, no children, single and an extrovert? The world will be her oyster.

Oh my, your DD will almost certainly have a much better life in a big new city full of possibilities than stuck in same old boring rural village with everyone knowing her business.

Don't be selfish and stop trying to hold your daughter back.

Yabvvvvvvu ! Do you actually like your daughter?!

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for her to get over a crap marriage and really discover what the world has to offer. As you say, she's an extrovert, she'll have a group of new friends in no time. Once the current situation blows over.

London is brilliant! I'd be very happy for my DC to be in London in their 30s, especially if their previous experience of life was a smallish place where everyone knows everyone else's business. There's loads to do, and the areas all have their own 'community'. Your DD would get to know people really quickly, especially if she's sociable and an extrovert.

Secondly, it's her choice.

I moved country at 28. It was fine. Didn't even speak the language. She'll be all right. She's an adult. And now your get to visit London. Which I used to live in and loved it.

busy and unfriendly city such as london?

Bit of a difference in elbowing your way through the tourists on Oxford Street and actually living in a neighbourhood, taking advantage of all the social, cultural, sports and entertainment on offer, being able to make spontaneous plans without worrying about transport back etc. It’s actually very friendly and she will find plenty of other singles of the same age ( friends, not necessarily romantic partners which she won’t necessarily want yet ).

I can see her point about wanting to spread her wings and not wanting to stay in the same limited environment at this point .

I agree with others that you need to step back and let your adult daughter make her own decisions.

Thank goodness she has realised now, before she's had children, that she doesn't want to continue her marriage.

Lucky her that she has a well paid job and is able to move to London.

A tight knit community sounds awful for an extrovert who wants to spread her wings tbh.

You don't need to approach anything with your daughter, but you do need to process your own grief and sadness as that's what's causing you problems not your daughter's very sensible decisions.

Also, you need to be supportive. If you tell her you think it won't work out, then she probably wont confide in you if she needs support.

Lol,
You sound like my family when I announced I was moving by myself to another country! There is nothing wrong with being adventurous and building a life in another city or part of the world. Support your DD and be excited for her.

I lived independently in London for a couple of years in my twenties and it was great! Im only 30 now so it's not like I'm talking about London years and years ago, all very recent. Perfect place to start a new life (yes it was expensive but I managed and always had money to go out and have fun) and at 30 she's definitely old enough to lead her own life and make her own decisions & mistakes.

It doesn't look like this thread has gone the way you'd perhaps hoped as I've noticed I'm not alone in my response. I think this in itself speaks volumes.

We're putting money into our son's savings account a little each month and, honestly, if he wanted to use it to start a new life somewhere when he's older (even in another country) we'd be thrilled for him.

I hope your daughter enjoys spreading her wings in the big city

I think you're projecting your own fears and fear of change, OP.

Your DD is young and only lives once. I say she should go for it. And you should be supporting her, not knocking her down because you're upset she divorced a guy you liked. Still harping on in your own head about her regretting it isn't healthy either.