Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

I had the most fantastic time living in London in my twenties and early thirties. She feels she’s missed out on the freedom and adventure I’m sure, so she should go for it and you should keep quiet and back her.

I did wander if the was the same OP as the other evening. DD was 27 and earned £65K?

Genuine question OP do you see your daughter and an adult or child?

Also if you don't think your daughter is capable of this then I question the way she had been brought up? Why don't you want her to have independence?

Good luck to her. She's made her decision, I'm sure it wasn't easy for her.
It's your job to support her and let her find her own way in the world.
I think she's incredibly brave and I think she's probably got the "it's now or never" mentality.
Good for her for seeing what the world has to offer.
Don't say anything that's going to end up in regret.
Just because you think he's lovely doesn't mean she has to stay forever.
She needs to be happy, she's not.
Be careful that if you address this wrong she is going to end up resenting you.
Time for her to spread her wings and fly! Quite possibly for the first time in her life!

OP, you need to stop this, you sound obsessive about keeping her nearby. She's clearly old enough, earns a good wage and you don't sound like you know anything about how her marriage really was. Let her live her life or keep on like this and you'll get yearly visits (if you're lucky).

before I decide how to approach this with DD

She has been an adult for 12 years. You thinking you need to approach her ultimately means you don't think you did a very good job of preparing her in how to be an adult. Leave her to weigh up her own decisions.

I moved to London when I was 28 after a divorce and LOVED it - still here at 35, but married and with a toddler. I definitely get why she wants to move, and that's why I came here too. I initially got a flat share with 2 other girls (who I didn't know at the time) and ended up with a fantastic set of friends who I love dearly. I find London very friendly - not in the 'talk to a stranger on a bus' kind of way, but I've met lots and lots of people who I'm very good friends with now

@ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo
and thank you,

Ahh she’s not ‘running away’, she’s not 14. She wants to spread her wings and live a different life...and who could blame her? At 30 years of age it’s clearly long overdue.
I think it suits you to have her close at hand, married to a local lad. It’s no longer floating her boat though and it’s her life to live.
Support and encourage this.

@FadedRed
Butt out is a very rude expression. Op is not giving the impression that she is interfering, but that she is worried

Oh actually this rings a bell - not the daughter moving to London thread from last week but the disapproving of the divorce one. Can't be bothered to AS but it does sound familiar.

OP, for the love of god, let your daughter live her life.

Sounds like a sensible choice. A vibrant city with good transport links only a few hundred miles away where she can socialise without having to do it with her ex’s friends and family (and her ex!). It’s normal to want to move on after a relationship, especially in this case when she was pretty much a kid at the start and it’s consumed her whole 20s and hard to really move on in a tight knit community where everyone knows everything and everybody. Not entirely sure what the problem is. You think she’ll hate it? She’s not in a position to take your word for it and if she does hate it then at least we know she has the good sense to know her own mind and set her own path. As she’s demonstrated with disentangling herself from her sixth form boyfriend, she’ll cut her losses and do something else.
OP, did you ever see Educating Rita? It’s very good.

I keep thinking about my little corner of South London. I lived there for a few years and it was very friendly. To the point where the family at the corner shop knew what nights I was supposed to be at my exercise class and would give me shit if I bought wine that night

Just like a small community except many 'locals' had started life on a different continent so it was vastly more interesting.

London is not Hotel California, you know. You can leave.

Most posters are very judgmental of OP assuming she is overbearing and interfering and wants control. Her is a question for you, how many of you have a daughter going through a divorce?
Many of you have young children you are desperate to protect and when they get to be adults you cant and yes you have to let them go. But I can tell you as a mother whose daughter chose to divorce, was still heartbroken and found the first few years lonely and hard.
Yes I can see the daughters point of view and she wants a new start.
Please could some of you realise how upsetting a divorce is for parents, how you grieve for the happy life you wanted for them, and in these times, it is natural to want them close. It is true that a small rural community is probably not the best place, but we dont know if she has a job in London, can afford to live there etc.
12 years later with a good marriage and 3 children, my daughter reflects on how hard the forst year after divorce was, and it was not the relief she thought it would be

Your job as a mother is to raise your child from a tiny helpless baby into an independent adult who is self-sufficient and capable of making their own decisions.

This, exactly.

I'm a single parent, and have mid to late teen DCs currently living with me, and I'm pretty certain that in 10 years time, neither of them will be living in our home town, based on their interests and study.

Sure, I'll miss having them around day to day, but this is the reality of life. We have good relationships, and I'll be in regular contact with them. But I want them to go and fulfil their potential.

Once my dad has passed on, I think I may relocate too, into the local city.

I did something similar in my mid 20's I was married to a "lovely" man ( who was actually cheating on me but everyone thought he was wonderful) thought sod this, up-sticks and left the country entirely ! Not been back since ( except for holidays to see family) My Dad was brilliant he was very much for it and have an adventure the rest of my family were very negative. But here I am still loving my adventure, married again with kids now and wouldn't be anywhere else.

Support your daughter don't be negative, let her live her life and be there when she needs you.

She'll have a blast. Stop trying to control her.

@FadedRed
No I imagine OP is not coming back to this after the shooting down in fire she just got. I can imagine she is even more upset. Well done everyone, instead of giving her the support and courage to let her daughter go to a new life you have made her out to be a villain. Shame on you. I hope your children never have failed relationships this might come back to bite you

Your role is to listen, encourage and remind her where you are if she needs you. That’s literally it. I have to disagree here. I agree with listening, and letting her know that the OP is there, but I don't think you always have to encourage, if you can see potential pitfalls. Just because you are a parent doesn't mean that your critical faculties are suspended, and you can still have an opinion as a fully functioning adult. The OP, like most of us, isn't only a parent - we do have other roles in life as well that may feed into what we think and advise.

Let her go and be PROUD of her. She's taking control of her life and doing what SHE wants to do!!

Tell her you love her and you're sure she'll find what she's looking for. And that you (and her dad if applicable) will always welcome her home for visits and look forward to visiting her in her new life.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3887661-To-think-DD-isn-t-earning-enough-to-live-alone-in-London

I think this is why posters are criticising and calling OP overbearing. Far too involved.

If she hates it she just moves again.

And I just wanted to mention that lots of people thought I left my XH without good reason. One day I just told my father flat out that I had my reasons and I didn’t want to make my family hate my Stbx so I would rather not detail all the reasons I was leaving. XH is not a bad guy, but I couldn’t live with some of his choices. He now has a lovely wife who makes him much happier than i ever could and I have a fantastic husband.

So this may not seem as much of a whim as it does to people on the outside.

Honestly, it could go either way. Without an in-person job she could really struggle to make friends, and get very lonely, as I personally find people in London tend to already have a pretty fixed social circle and it takes time to get into it (partly because everyone is so spread out that it takes ages to go visit a friend, you can’t just pop to the pub and text everyone and people show up ten minutes later). On the other hand as long as she has a couple of hobbies, particularly sports where people tend to get to know each other more quickly than crafts, for example, she could have a whale of a time.

Is she planning to live alone?

YABU and ridiculous. She’s 30 years old, if she doesn’t like it she can learn to like it or move again.

She's an adult and she doesn't need to be stifled by your opinions.

Allow her to be free of the constraints of her previous relationship and create a new life for herself. How exciting for her, she sounds amazing and I'm sure she will thrive in London.