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Original poster

Hubby has forgotten my birthday again!

239 replies

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:18

Been with my OH for 3 of my birthdays and its never remembered or acknowledged!! We live together and have a toddler,so it's not a casual relationship!! Iv yet to receive either a birthday card from either him or our daughter!! I know its petty with everything that's going on in the world but the 3rd year in a row is starting to take the piss surely?? I'm not a materialistic person at all,just a card and a "happy birthday darlin " is all I want,am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 12:46

It's hard to say if I would have stayed with him had we not gotten pregnant straight away... the pregnancy and coping with a newborn triggered his breakdown,so If we hadnt a baby none of that could have happened. If I had to live that 6 months again tho,I couldn't do it. I would have taken our baby and not came home after the hospital. But he was very unwell and hes not like that now

OP posts:
Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 12:49

Sounds like I'm making excuses,but I mean how he is now is a big improvement to how he was after the birth. Think I'm so relieved hes not like that anymore anything was a bonus!

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 29/04/2020 12:51

Your bar is really really low.

He is awful to you.

ConnieDoodle · 29/04/2020 13:03

Wtf? hes not like that now Seriously? Is he a good partner now? Is he a good father now? Is he a decent human being now?

Do better for your child.

LinManWellWellWell · 29/04/2020 13:16

I do think given that he’s had serious physical health issues and mental health problems that the GP should be the first step. It sounds like some medication might help and some weaning off the weed. If he is willing of course.

YorkshirePud1 · 29/04/2020 13:18

I feel so sad for you. It's definitely easy sometimes to settle for less just because it's better than it was at rock bottom. You shouldn't have to though, you deserve better than this. I'm sorry you feel some people have been a bit harsh on here, I just think they're angry on your behalf.

FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 13:24

Sounds like I'm making excuses,but I mean how he is now is a big improvement to how he was after the birth. Think I'm so relieved hes not like that anymore anything was a bonus!

I genuinely don't mean this to sound like I am being sarky, but that's like saying that your pet crocodile has improved massively because where it previously tore your arm off, now it only bites off your fingers one at a time. It may have improved but the overall outcome is still shit, isn't it?

CornforthWhite · 29/04/2020 13:43

I feel so sad for you.

Itsnotalwaysme · 29/04/2020 16:03

When you've been in the basement for a long time, you can easily mistake ground floor for the penthouse

StormTreader · 29/04/2020 16:11

"Yea I gave him money and said get some drinks for tonight,I was never in the equation when he bought them. In hindsight he obviously thought I should've given him more if I wanted to drink as well!! But it was all I had on me,and I knew he had money of his own yesterday so didnt think it was an issue!"

Stop blaming yourself for his poor actions. Its not your fault that you didnt get anything because you didnt have more money, its 100% his fault that he didn't get you anything, drinks OR cards. His, not yours.

IntoTheUnknown89 · 29/04/2020 16:15

I'm not trying to be a bitch or "I'm better than everyone" Lol but how can you forget significant birthdays??? You are aware of the dates, they are on our phones, TVs, alarm clocks, calendars etc!!

IntoTheUnknown89 · 29/04/2020 16:16

Sorry I meant to say the date in general, if you know its March 2nd and your wife's birthday is March 13th - you get what I mean.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 18:09

Well iv had a day off today,iv done very little, and even went for a nap with DD when she went to bed...woke to a large cake,2 bottles of wine and chocolates. Know it's not much and Its only stuff but it's a start of sorts I suppose. He did hug me and say he doesn't want to lose me,so my body language must be telling because I never said a word about yesterday again...going to have to sit down and have a serious talk tonight

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 18:37

When you do, a few things need to change - starting with money, pulling his weight round the house and not being so bloody useless. If he has a shit memory then he could set himself reminders on his phone.

FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 18:38

Oh and make sure that the doesn't want to lose you means that he intends to start making a positive contribution. You don't want it to translate to I don't want to lose my meal ticket who keeps the house, sorts the childcare and bails me out financially because I'm shit with money and spend it all on weed

EKGEMS · 29/04/2020 19:21

Well,well,well he can put an effort in if he actually finds motivation to do so! Don't be fooled by his 30-seconds of half-assed efforts to make it up to you. BTW do not keep excusing his laziness due to his medical recovery these days you can order nearly everything online

Wearywithteens · 29/04/2020 19:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SugarNyx · 29/04/2020 19:32

So remind Him. Why are you setting him up to fail and your self to be upset with him?! Really don’t understand passive aggressive women like you at all. You’d literally rather stew than tell him it’s your birthday and plan something to celebrate?! It’s just sad

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 29/04/2020 19:38

Heavens, SugarNyx! 218 posts ahead of yours and you didn't think it was worth reading anything beyond the OP?

Wearywithteens · 29/04/2020 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 19:43

SugarNyx -thanks for the input,very helpful!

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 29/04/2020 20:03

God he sounds useless. i'd hate this type of partner who can't be arsed. Sounds like you're in for a lifetime of hard work if you decided to stay with this lazy taker OP

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 29/04/2020 20:56

Have the serious talk op, but remember it isn't just about the birthday. Don't let him make it all about the birthday. It's the whole flipping shit show. The weed, the being financially irresponsible, the selfish breaking of lock down to see dealers, the not listening to you or considering you, the laziness, the lack of parenting or domestic contributions. You need to spell it out to him that the whole relationship is broken. It can't be fixed bit by bit, last year Christmas presents, this year birthday presents, next year doing the laundry etc etc. You'll end up 10 years down the line absolutely exhausted in a relationship that's still sub par, emotionally drained from the work of constantly pleading with an adult to act like an adult. No, the whole thing needs burning down and starting again. Tell him you need couples counselling, as soon as lock down is over, and that he probably needs some by himself as well. Get it all out, all of it. Its not just about the birthday. The cake is OK as far as "too little too late" gestures go, but your problems are much bigger and much more entrenched so don't let him use "I made an effort eventually" as a get out clause to sweep it all under the rug. The birthday issue is the symptom, not the disease.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 21:48

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings I agree with what your saying and he was in counseling but its all stopped since the lockdown,the birthday was the final straw,its been building for a while and iv let alot slide since his breakdown and illness,a lot more than I had realised! He has made effort today but a serious chat is long overdue...we had wanted another baby and I was willing to but had prepared to raise it myself as I had with dd as I was expecting nothin of him but it's made me reconsider everything. He was a good person when we met,the breakdown has changed him tho,but it's still in there,I can see it. He needs help and to be honest so do i,I see that now

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 29/04/2020 23:19

Interesting that he does have the money, and he can remember, and he can make the effort, and he is able to think about what would make you happy... when he wants to.