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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby has forgotten my birthday again!

239 replies

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:18

Been with my OH for 3 of my birthdays and its never remembered or acknowledged!! We live together and have a toddler,so it's not a casual relationship!! Iv yet to receive either a birthday card from either him or our daughter!! I know its petty with everything that's going on in the world but the 3rd year in a row is starting to take the piss surely?? I'm not a materialistic person at all,just a card and a "happy birthday darlin " is all I want,am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 28/04/2020 11:35

Don’t acknowledge his birthday again, if he’s not that bothered.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2020 11:36

If he’s not even up yet and you are sure he’s forgotten, leave the house for a long walk so you aren’t there when he’s up.

LagunaBubbles · 28/04/2020 11:37

even bought myself a cake last year and booked us a night away for my birthday,which he really enjoyed but didnt think to pick up the bill for any of it!!

You live with him and share a child, aren't your finances joint? Anyway is he a kind considerate and thoughtful person generally towards you? I find people that
keep "forgetting" birthdays are selfish and thoughtless.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/04/2020 11:39

My XP is from a family who don't 'do' presents, birthday or Christmas. For me, part of the joy of life is choosing surprising presents that will delight the recipient - I LOVE Christmas shopping for example. He didn't see the need to spend money.

I recognised that his upbringing and my wanting to show love through 'gifts' were just a mismatch and we muddled along, but it always rankled. He thought that just giving money was good enough, but I wanted to be shown that he understood me. That he 'got' something about me and could use that to choose an apt present.

He didn't and couldn't and he's an ex.

So it probably won't matter what you do or say, OP. If he doesn't think birthdays are a 'thing' you will never really change his mind. And if he won't even try, when he knows it's a big deal to you...well, what does that say about him?

Oh, and Happy Birthday.

tiredanddangerous · 28/04/2020 11:39

You need to sit him down and tell him what you expect. “Birthdays might not be important in your family, but they are important to me. I would like my birthday to be acknowledged by you and dd. I would like you to get me a card, a cake and a small gift. When you don’t acknowledge my birthday it makes me feel a,b,c/whatever”

Hellshotforgoodreason · 28/04/2020 11:43

That's shit. I would not be happy about this at all as it's just plain lazy on his part how hard is it to put a reminder on your phone if your really that forgetful?. No more effort for his birthday anymore. None . Buy yourself a present and get yourself a takeaway and a bottle of wine. Happy birthday 🎂

Original poster
Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:48

Oh I do tell him and he takes it on board for that day then its forgotten! Hes not up yet but I have spoken to him this morning and if he had remembered it wouldve been acknowledged then! I'm not just moaning online as some lovely poster put...I have expressed my feelings about it,the week before,the day before and on the actual day!! I'm never setting him up to fail,I'm not that kind of person,if anything I make it so easy to succeed but he never does! Like I said to him surely in previous relationships your then girlfriends wouldve expected a gift but he said he couldnt remember!Hmm

OP posts:
TheGinGenie · 28/04/2020 11:49

I have to remind DP for weeks when my birthday is, he doesn't remember any. This year I had to remind him it was his own birthday the following week. I gave up expecting him to remember on his own a long time ago and we're both happier for it

Original poster
Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:50

Oh and I'm self employed so our finances are not joint as my income is unpredictable, are bills are but hes so shit with money there is no way in hell we could have a joint account Grin

OP posts:
TheGinGenie · 28/04/2020 11:50

(And happy birthday!)

CaptainBlunderpants · 28/04/2020 11:51

So tell him it’s not good enough, simply just forgetting is not ok. It’s important to you.

Whitney101 · 28/04/2020 11:51

I’m confused why he is still in bed at midday...

TheGinGenie · 28/04/2020 11:53

It is a bit of a piss take if you do remind him and he doesn't do anything though. DP does always celebrate it with me once I've reminded him. I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask for that

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 28/04/2020 11:53

I am absolutely rubbish at birthdays, I can only remember the ones of my sisters. That doesn’t mean I care less about the people whose birthdays I forget (everyone, basically). I am only getting better at this thanks to Facebook that reminds me about other people’s birthdays.

I would say however, that I started forgetting planning and setting up for exH’s birthdays in the last years of our relationship, I forgot but we were so beyond it that although I used to get a cake I just simply couldn’t be arsed to go into much detail.

If he is the forgetful kind, remind him, let him know how you would like to celebrate. If your relationship has lost a bit of lustre recently, it may be a good idea to have a good open honest conversation with him about how things are between you. It is not unusual for relationships to get damaged when all the focus and efforts are about the children and not enough time is left to catch up with each other away from the children. You don’t need to go out often for that, putting the children in front of the TV while for half an hour at the end of the day while you and him have a coffee/drink to catch up without kids interrupting might be, in most cases, more than enough.

Gotthetshirt23 · 28/04/2020 11:53

Does he work nights ?
If not why is he still in bed ?

Original poster
Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:55

Hes still in bed cos hes a lazy bugger! ...no he wasnt well at start of the year and had a big operation and hes still "recovering "but its not an issue,Iv no problem with him laying on in mornings when we have no where to go!

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 28/04/2020 11:59

This would really bug me. I'm not a princess type but I'd need to feel he made an effort.

Go in there, wake him up and ask him what he's doing for your birthday? If he says nothing, tell him your birthday is now living to next week and you expect him to sort something from him and your dd

PerkyPomPoms · 28/04/2020 12:02

Since it’s not his family culture don’t celebrate his birthday or buy a present. Do treat yourself and your daughter though.

PuppyMonkey · 28/04/2020 12:06

I don’t understand what you mean by “he takes it on board for that day.”

So, for instance, yesterday you had a conversation or referred to it being your birthday - and he acknowledged this, but now has forgotten all about it?Confused

Shoxfordian · 28/04/2020 12:08

He's shit with money
He's lazy
He doesn't ever buy you a birthday present. Are his christmas presents shit as well? Probably.

Any good points? How badly do you need dick in your life to put up with this shit?

Original poster
Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 12:08

Basically yeah,it goes in 1 ear and out the other!! I bought myself a birthday cake when we were out getting groceries,its not been hidden it's there in plain sight but the connection wasn't made in his brain!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/04/2020 12:09

Really what made you think this year would be any different? He's clearly not bothered about you

Original poster
Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 12:11

Hes very loving and kind and thoughtful in other ways,his Christmas presents are great now,the first year it was pretty sketchy tho,but he has learnt that much at least!

OP posts:
lanbro · 28/04/2020 12:13

I'm living with xh for lockdown and he used to be bad for forgetting my birthday...I've been reminding him and dc for the last 2 weeks as it's my 40th today so expected a bit of effort, and they didn't disappoint!

No excuse but tell him how you feel and remind him next year! Have a good day birthday twin!

tiredanddangerous · 28/04/2020 12:16

The connection wasn’t made in his brain? That’s crap; he just can’t be bothered.