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Original poster

Hubby has forgotten my birthday again!

239 replies

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:18

Been with my OH for 3 of my birthdays and its never remembered or acknowledged!! We live together and have a toddler,so it's not a casual relationship!! Iv yet to receive either a birthday card from either him or our daughter!! I know its petty with everything that's going on in the world but the 3rd year in a row is starting to take the piss surely?? I'm not a materialistic person at all,just a card and a "happy birthday darlin " is all I want,am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 10:31

Yea I'm 39,no it's not my first relationship,I apologise for using the word hubby ONCE! I like using emojis! He had his bowel removed and sepsis and Is still in recovery.
I hate him using weed,but hes used it so long now,like 20 years he needs a certain amount to function....but he goes overboard all the time and Its a constant row. But seriously,I posted on here for advice and it feels today like iv been thrown to the wolves on here,what's that about??

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 29/04/2020 10:39

Sorry as I can see it’s upsetting with the avalanche of replies you have had.if he uses weed to function then the problem is right there.One friend we had was the same- she smoked them like cigarettes and could not manage daily life without them.she lost friends and her partner and job etc.my ex h was alcoholic- he was lovely- I made excuses for him all the time too- I left in the end to protect my children and self.

Wearywithteens · 29/04/2020 10:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SueEllenMishke · 29/04/2020 10:45

People are angry on your behalf - you and your child deserve more, so much more.
He prioritizes drugs over you and his child. This makes people angry.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 10:48

Iv had a shit nights sleep and alot to think about,I'm probably just oversensitive today. I feel fuckin broken this morning,alot of what's been said has hit a nerve. I'm an independent person and have had some experience of heartache and trauma in my life...all of which iv dealt with and I'm proud to still be standing after it all. But 32ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings has made a few good points ones that I had chosen to ignore....my biggest fear is that I could die and he would be left to raise our daughter himself,He loves her but does very little,I dont honestly know what would happen her if I wasnt here and it scares the absolute shit out of me

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 29/04/2020 11:11

Did he really take the money that you gave him and only buy drinks for himself?

Ullupullu · 29/04/2020 11:13

People aren't throwing you to the wolves. They are astonished you put up with him and trying to work out why. His treatment of you is unacceptable.

StormTreader · 29/04/2020 11:27

" He is genuinely remorseful lookin,like he was last year and the year before!!"

I'm not surprised at all. He's playing you - he spends all the money on himself and doesnt give a shit about trying to do anything for you because he knows he can cry and "look all remoseful" and thats everything sorted.
Certainly wasn't too remorseful to happily help himself to the birthday treat you arranged and paid for though, was he?

It's like a child who knows he can break stuff and smack his sister as long as he says "sowwy" when hes caught.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 11:30

Yea I gave him money and said get some drinks for tonight,I was never in the equation when he bought them. In hindsight he obviously thought I should've given him more if I wanted to drink as well!! But it was all I had on me,and I knew he had money of his own yesterday so didnt think it was an issue!

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 11:31

People aren't throwing you to the wolves. They are asking you why you out up with him, and pointing out that he's a drug addicted lazy arsehole

RosieCockle · 29/04/2020 11:40

Your life with him is absolutely tragic.
Why did you say he was a great father and then admit he does very little and you wouldn't want him looking after her?
You and your daughter deserve so much better than this complete loser. Please stop being a passive doormat and do something about it. Life will improve for you so much.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 29/04/2020 11:45

I put up with it because I'm so used to alot of it I couldnt see it. My OH has mental health issues and I let alot of it slide because of that. We met and got pregnant instantly and although unplanned we were ecstatic,his mental health problems only showed occasionally and were very easy to dismiss,he then had a complete breakdown the week before our DC was born and it lasted 6 months. He got treatment and improved alot but I think because how he is now is such a massive improvement to how he was,I kinda lost perspective as to what was normal behavior along the way

OP posts:
Keitepeheakoe · 29/04/2020 11:47

Totally selfish behaviour by him

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/04/2020 11:56

If he has MH issues, he wants to knock that weed use on the head.

It actually sounds as though he has more significant problems - he can't keep a memory in his head from one minute to the next? You can tell him something one day and he's forgotten it by the following day? He didn't even remember you sufficiently to think that YOU (who provided the money) might like a drink?

Does he actually manage to remember anything that isn't right in front of his face? If you leave the room, does he forget you exist?

I still maintain that he needs to stop using that weed. It might help his memory too, as well has his mental health.

BobbyBlueCat · 29/04/2020 12:09

What a catch.

Look after your child and leave.

AlwaysCheddar · 29/04/2020 12:13

Seriously, you need to really get rid of him. He’s vile. He didn’t forget your birthday, you’re just not important to him. Remember how you felt last night... you shouldn’t you feel like that, not from your dh. You sound nice so gather up your self esteem and dignity and make a plan to extract him from your life. Make that your birthday present. Please. You and your dd deserve so much more.

ConnieDoodle · 29/04/2020 12:17

Op, youre having the blinkers removed. It must be a shock. Youve lied to yourself and others for so long saying he is a good partner and father.

He loves her but does very little, I dont honestly know what would happen her if I wasnt here and it scares the absolute shit out of me. That’s such a strong statement to make. He is an inadequate parent. Your daughter would suffer in his care alone.

You know you need to protect yourself and your daughter from further damage. Her MH will suffer living full time with him, thinking that this is the norm. Your MH has already been damaged as youve got so used to this absolutely shocking behaviour, you had to ask if you were BU to be affected by it.

You say you're strong and independent? You need to harness that strength and make a better life for you and your daughter without him holding your back and dragging you both down.

Do it for her. But also do it for you.

LannieDuck · 29/04/2020 12:17

So, using your money, he needed to buy:

  1. A card for you - that he'd offered to get and you'd said yes to.
  2. Drink for this evening which you could both enjoy
  3. Drink that only he likes

... and he jumped straight to 3 without thinking about you at all. That's really, really rubbish :(

Does he accept it's rubbish? How is he going to make it up to you, and how will he make sure it doesn't happen again? Because this shouldn't be your issue to solve - it's his. But only if he can be bothered.

And if he can't be bothered... that says a lot about how little he values you.

LannieDuck · 29/04/2020 12:18

It actually sounds as though he has more significant problems - he can't keep a memory in his head from one minute to the next?

Good point that this could be something he needs to discuss with a GP... esp if his previous mental issues were anything similar.

SallyWD · 29/04/2020 12:21

I never understand how this happens. Do you just never mention your birthday yourself?! When my birthday is on the horizon I often talk about it to my husband "What shall we do for my birthday?" etc. We have a tradition of making each other breakfast on our birthdays so a few days before I discuss what I might like to eat. In the weeks before my birthday I'll let him know if there are any gifts I'd like (I'd rather give him ideas than have him choose something I don't want!). The kids love to get involved with these conversations too. My DH doesn't get a chance to forget it! I feel if someone is completely silent about their own birthday it's almost like they're deliberately trying to trip their husband's up - laying a trap to see if he forgets again and then you can feel all hurt and wounded. Some people are crap with dates. Just remind him!! Then he has no excuse.

espressoontap · 29/04/2020 12:24

Could his MH problems be caused by the long-term use of weed?

He sounds like a cock lodger and waster. I'd be off.

If you hadn't have got pregnant so soon, would you still be with him?

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 29/04/2020 12:36

SallyWD ... (It helps to read the thread first!)

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 29/04/2020 12:42

Sorry op, it's bloody hard and unfair. We tell ourselves the stories we want to believe, and when you get thrown into a situation like you did with the pregnancy and new relationship, you want so badly for it to work out. Im glad the blinkers are coming off for you now. This is no life for you or your daughter, you both deserve better.

maddy68 · 29/04/2020 12:43

Have it out with him. That is unacceptable

FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 12:46

Well now you can see it - and it doesn't look good.

Find your pride and your self-esteem and dump this bloody loser. Do you want your daughter to grow up and think this is the kind of man and relationship that she should aim for?