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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby has forgotten my birthday again!

239 replies

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:18

Been with my OH for 3 of my birthdays and its never remembered or acknowledged!! We live together and have a toddler,so it's not a casual relationship!! Iv yet to receive either a birthday card from either him or our daughter!! I know its petty with everything that's going on in the world but the 3rd year in a row is starting to take the piss surely?? I'm not a materialistic person at all,just a card and a "happy birthday darlin " is all I want,am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2020 22:44

Tears, the last defence of the defenceless.

He's not upset he treated you like shit, he's pissed off you've called him on it but knew he didnt have a leg to stand on and turned on the water works in the hopes it would disarm you.

Bin. Him. Off.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2020 22:45

Lets face it, he didnt forget, he just doesnt care.

WendyDarling888 · 28/04/2020 22:46

OP, this is not right, not acceptable and you deserve far better.

He had no money for a card until today but had enough to buy weed. Truly disgusting. A man who claims to have limited money choosing to spend on drugs rather than your birthday or his child.

A loving, normal partner would not forget your birthday.

tenterden · 28/04/2020 22:49

This would be a deal breaker for me.

If you aren't bothered about birthdays that is fine. However, if you know that it's a big deal to your wife, surely you make the fucking effort?

Mangofandangoo · 28/04/2020 22:49

Happy Birthday! DaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

sunflowersandtulips50 · 28/04/2020 22:49

Can i remind you that he is your partner and your DD dad , he isnt your DC. You talk about him as if he is a helpless DC. Yet he manages successfully to go out and get himself a few cans and nips out later to get himself some weed.... he is thoughtless and inconsiderate and if he was popping out to meet his drug dealer I wonder how he managed to social distance?

DappledThings · 28/04/2020 22:49

@ddl1 I think you are the only other person I've ever known hate their birthday as much as me. Lots of people say they don't like a fuss and think that's how I feel but it is so much more than that. As every year goes by fewer and fewer people even know when it is and I am happier for that. I managed to have my 40th last year a completely normal day with zero recognition of the dreaded b-day

Apologies OP for the derail but it really good for me to hear anyone else feel the same as me. In your case YANBU. Claiming to have no money for a card because he spent it all on weed is obviously shitty.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 28/04/2020 22:51

Doesn’t have a £1 for a card!? Sounds dubious. Also how could he buy weed if he can’t afford a card?

Wearywithteens · 28/04/2020 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/04/2020 22:55

Maybe he's hacked off at being called "hubby"?

EKGEMS · 28/04/2020 22:59

He's a selfish loser

YorkshirePud1 · 28/04/2020 23:00

Oh this is really not on. I know you're saying he's a thoughtful loving partner, but this doesn't set him in a good light at all. Not bothering with a card or anything in the first place is bad enough - but buying himself beer and weed today and then saying he had no money to get you a card or bottle of wine is awful. You told him you wanted a card, even if just from your daughter. There's no excuse for this. Please don't just let it go - he needs to know how upset you are. Don't let him make you feel bad with his crocodile tears - he's been so thoughtless and selfish today!

I'm sorry he was so crap on your birthday, but I'm glad you managed to salvage something out of it with family etc. Happy birthday.

StickerMania115 · 28/04/2020 23:01

3 years of disappointment
Another birthday in tears
Drugs & alcohol instead

How many more years are you going to put up with this ?

You would be better off without out him

You deserve better & so does your child

CalleighDoodle · 28/04/2020 23:02

He did have money for a card. He just didnt think your birthday card was as important as his weed.

He is a shit partner. I simply do not believe he is a good father. He is thoughtless.

How often does he plan activities for the child?

HK92 · 28/04/2020 23:07

My ex never put any effort into my birthday. Wouldn't buy me a card or a gift and would say it was because he had no money, but yet he would have put himself new trainers of clothes etc. And that's why he's an ex! Selfish wanker...My partner now couldn't be more different. He's always puts so much effort into my birthdays with a nice card with a thoughtful message in it and always gets me a present where we can do and do something together like an activity for example. Don't settle for someone who clearly can't be bothered to appreciate you!

Happy Birthday btw.

Original poster
Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 23:10

Oh I'm well aware there was plenty of wine in the shop,he just panicked when I called him out on it and the card! He is genuinely remorseful lookin,like he was last year and the year before!! I'm fed up being annoyed about it all now,been a long day!! Theres always a pound or 2 knockin about in change,he couldve got a card if he had been anyway arsed,he couldve used the money I gave him for the shop for no cans and a bottle of wine to share..obviously because I dont ask for much and easy goin he doesn't think he has to bother his arse. He knows I'm hurt, but im passed caring about how he feels tonight. And as for the weed....I sit in my mums drive and drink a flask of tea and birthday cake while she talks out window to me...all to protect us and he goes and meets somebody to buy drugs and sits in this persons car to do it. What the actual fuck like. Anyway I'm away for a long soak and bed....thanks so much for all your birthday wishes and advice,helped me see a few things a bit clearer than I had before...thanks g nite xx

OP posts:
Sunnytimesahead · 28/04/2020 23:16

Happy Birthday OP FlowersCakeWine

YANBU. I too have been very disappointed by my DH Re: Birthdays. ‘Luckily’ for me though he has never actually forgotten one. I don’t expect extravagance of any kind just a little bit of thought to show he cares would be nice. You sound just the same in that regard.
My only suggestion would be to tell him honestly that it hurts you each time he forgets your birthday. I hope things change in the future.

Wearywithteens · 28/04/2020 23:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LannieDuck · 28/04/2020 23:26

It sounds as if he gives you lip service, and figures that's enough :(

crosstalk · 28/04/2020 23:31

OP So sorry and belated birthday wishes. He needs to be getting up in the mornings and doing stuff with your child and you. Is there anywhere you can walk? And if he is buying weed he'll be handing over cash and handling stuff - does he have any idea? can he go somewhere else for the time being? I'm not great with dates but I'd have least sat down and made a birthday card for you with your child and made your tea
. Good luck.

tillytown · 28/04/2020 23:47

and our daughter will notice no difference in her life as I will always make the extra effort to make up for his shortcomings
If you are doing extra things because he can't be bothered, then he isn't a great dad.
I just said that's so thoughtless and a piss poor attitude and I was very disappointed. I could say no more as I was going to cry
He isn't a good partner either. At some point you either need to stop caring about this kind of stuff, or leave.

Sceptre86 · 28/04/2020 23:48

He isn't bothered about birthdays so stop bothering about his. That way you won't feel hard done by when he forgets next year. I am the type of person that goes on annoyingly about her birthday months before. Dh knows I would be upset if he didn't make it 'special' ie. get me a card and cake so he makes effort because he knows it makes me happy. I will get him a card and cake as well as something from the kids and a token gift from me as he is not into birthdays (still special but don't make too big a deal out of it).

I would be annoyed in your case but would make my feelings clear and tou should do the same. Spell out exactly what you expect on your birthday.

gamerchick · 28/04/2020 23:56

You're 39?

dazzlinghaze · 28/04/2020 23:58

Oh, I really feel for you OP. That's horrible. Do as you've planned and treat yourself to something with you birthday money and don't bother your arse with his birthdays from now on. He sounds totally thoughtless and unkind.

Happy birthday ThanksWineGinCake

Grumpos · 29/04/2020 00:06

No action is an action, as they say.

He hasn’t forgotten as such, just chosen not to remember or bother.

He’s made his choice, it isn’t important to him.
Even if he generally didn’t do cards and pressies (as some families don’t), he could still give you a treat by sorting a nice Meal or takeaway, running you a bath and bringing you a glass of wine, organising for you to have some kid free time with a face mask and a book in bed etc - none of these things cost money or much time. Just a little effort to show that you care.

He can’t be arsed to care.

This relationship isn’t going to go the distance because no one wants to feel like their partner doesn’t love and care for them. So you’ll end it eventually and then you’ll have wasted way too many years. Best think about whether you want to waste that time or call it a day before then