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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hubby has forgotten my birthday again!

239 replies

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 11:18

Been with my OH for 3 of my birthdays and its never remembered or acknowledged!! We live together and have a toddler,so it's not a casual relationship!! Iv yet to receive either a birthday card from either him or our daughter!! I know its petty with everything that's going on in the world but the 3rd year in a row is starting to take the piss surely?? I'm not a materialistic person at all,just a card and a "happy birthday darlin " is all I want,am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Sorocknroll · 28/04/2020 12:16

If his family dont do it then its probably engrained not to bother with celebrations. Especially if his birthday is just after Christmas, as a child it probably got sidelined by christmas celebrations.

My dh knows when mine and his childrens birthdays are and will make sure they have done me a card at the least and cause they are so little will buy a present from them as well as him. As time has gone on we tend to go to a show or similar as a present as we can both enjoy it and its not more "stuff" unless we need something jointly for the house.

However my dh has come from a family that make a big deal of birthdays and christmas like I have.

Sorocknroll · 28/04/2020 12:16

Ps. Happy birthday

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 12:16

Lanbro- happy birthday!! Have a fantastic day!!! My big 40 next year...il start talkin about it now and maybe it will sink in!!

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 28/04/2020 12:45

What a shit husband! He’s not kind or caring, he’s selfish and lazy. Why the hell is he still in bed at this time?!

Happy birthday. Buy yourself time with a solicitor.

thecourtjester · 28/04/2020 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notverygrownup · 28/04/2020 12:59

Hes very loving and kind and thoughtful in other ways,his Christmas presents are great now,the first year it was pretty sketchy tho,but he has learnt that much at least!

This is the important bit for me. If he has never celebrated birthdays then it may take a while for the message to sink in that they matter to most people.

Great birthday gifts and a fuss one day a year are IMO less important than what happens on the other 364 days. If you have a thoughtful partner, that's great. But keep talking, encourage him to see that doing something different for his birthday and your dds is lovely as it is all part of family life, and make sure he knows that you would like the same.

And buy him a calendar for his next year's birthday presents - perfect timing just after Christmas - with 28th April marked on in red pen! Smile

Notverygrownup · 28/04/2020 13:01

And Happy Birthday FlowersWineCakeFlowers

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/04/2020 13:29

I agree with Barbara - the whole point is for somebody to remember and show you how much they mean to you in a special way for your special day. There's no point if you have to ask/tell/remind somebody. Most people are delighted to receive a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates, but (unless they're children), it's unlikely that they couldn't have afforded to buy themselves some flowers or chocolates - it's the thought and acknowledgement behind it and not the the monetary value or the cold transaction.

some people are just really bad with dates.

I just don't buy this, unless they have dementia, severe learning difficulties or similar. I accept that some people will remember the date when their cousin's milkman got himself a budgie but most won't - but your own spouse's birthday ?!

Does he follow football or have other hobbies? Does he have a job which isn't the same every single day - irregular meetings, conferences, functions etc? Does he forget when his team is playing or when he needs to be at a work seminar?

Even if he genuinely can't keep anything in his head, it would be so easy to put a recurring reminder in his phone or even write it in an old-fashioned diary along with his other important dates to remember. The fact that he doesn't even bother to do that means that he just doesn't care - and him spending the entire morning (and maybe longer) in bed on your birthday when he isn't ill or post-nightshift doesn't look good either.

It makes no difference that birthdays don't matter to him, as they do matter to you - and you (should) matter to him. You don't give somebody a card/present/greeting for their birthday because it makes you happy - it's because you know it will make them happy - and knowing that they are happy then makes you happy - because you love and care about their happiness.

ddl1 · 28/04/2020 13:41

It's hard for me to vote on this, as I am so totally at the other extreme. I cannot BEAR to have my birthday acknowledged, as I hate the very idea of my transition from one age to another being treated as a social celebration; and I particularly hate the expression 'happy birthday' if addressed to me, as birthdays are not happy for me; all I want is to be allowed to forget mine! As for your DP: does he in general tend to ignore you, or is it just birthdays? It may be just that he has a bad memory for dates, or that he places little value on birthdays in general - does he celebrate his? Have you told him that you like to be wished a happy birthday? (No it's not necessarily obvious - see my remarks about myself above.) If you have, and he still doesn't, then you have a right to be pissed off: not so much because he didn't wish you a happy birthday as such, as because he isn't taking your wishes seriously. I would cut him some slack this year, because our lives have been turned upside down; but I would insist that he takes you seriously for the future.

SparklingLime · 28/04/2020 13:49

With his family history, I’d suggest talking to him really directly, saying that you find it hurtful and that you’d like to start a new family tradition for you as a couple and your little one. A tradition of treating birthdays as a celebration of that person. So they are not forgotten or ignored, they are a chance to show care and love. Agree between you how you’ll celebrate family birthdays in future.
Tell him how you’d like to do this and ask for his ideas. Flowers

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 13:55

Well an update! He got up and half an hour later said oh happy birthday,can get u a card later if u want??? I would Normally say it doesn't matter,but this time I said yes I'd really love a card,especially from our daughter!! Also we had planned to deliver groceries and tablets to my mum later in the week,so I just said we will go today instead,pack a car picnic and eat it in her driveway and chat to her for 15 mins threw her window from the car!! I know it sounds pathetic to want to do that,and I never ask for anything or put him to any bother but under the circumstances,I just told him what was happening Blush ahh the look of shock on his face that I actually wanted to do something and want a card! But he quietly said yeah thats fine love!! Grin

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 28/04/2020 13:58

Why do you think he will change?

Whitney101 · 28/04/2020 14:02

Helen I think you need to be more assertive 💪 sounds like he’s one of those men that needs a little direction (or a lot!!!)

Especially if next year is your 40th, you need to lay our your expectations now.

Hope you have a nice time with your mum, I’m sure she will love to see you today

SparklingLime · 28/04/2020 14:10

I never ask for anything or put him to any bother...

Why?

Helen0709 · 28/04/2020 14:26

It's not just him,I'm quite independent and I dont like askin anyone for much unless in really stuck!!
Whitney101 yea u are right,it felt really good just being honest and sayin what I wanted to do for a change! He was happy enough to do it too,il definitely try the more direct approach in future!

OP posts:
Nombie · 28/04/2020 14:59

I would be livid if my partner forgot mine. Although on the flip side I used to constantly confuse his with the 18th when it's the 19th but I always prepped for anyway so it never got missed.

Been together 15 years. Little things like birthdays are important.

My mother on the other hand forgets mine almost every year, not like she was there or anything.. rolls eyes
My mother in law + rest of partner's family however always make an effort for every birthday or significant event. Very close family I love them all so much.

Notverygrownup · 28/04/2020 15:26

Yay to getting a day out, and a card! Great news. Enjoy!

Wannabegreenfingers · 28/04/2020 15:41

Birthdays are important. It really is no excuse to forget and even if you are brought up in a house where it wasn't celebrated, he is now with someone who does, so should respect this. Does your child's birthday get remember by him or is that forgotten as well?

Happy Birthday x x

Unhomme · 28/04/2020 15:42

I dont think YABU but I hate the word hubby.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/04/2020 17:27

Have you had a card yet op?

Winterwoollies · 28/04/2020 17:34

I know lots of people on here think they’re such strong, streamlined independent women that birthdays are for idiots and they wouldn’t care a jot if their partner ignored theirs, but I don’t go in for that at all. I’d be really sad. I don’t ask for much but a little bit of fuss and a sign that my H has thought of me and wanted to make my day special, isn’t too much to ask. It’s one day.

I’m glad you said what you wanted @Helen0709. I still think the lazy, selfish sod should have done more for you, but at least you’ll see your mum, albeit from a safe distance.

Happy birthday.

Shoxfordian · 28/04/2020 18:02

How generous to get you a card, if you want
Wow
Hmm

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 28/04/2020 18:10

'I'll get you a card later if you want?' Fucking hell, you have low expectations if you're satisfied by that. My ex used to chuck me some cash for my birthday and told me to 'buy myself something nice' in a patronising manner. Husband no2 puts lots of thought and planning into my birthday now and that's how it should be in my opinion.

TheWernethWife · 28/04/2020 18:18

I'm sure he manages to remember things that are important to him or that he can do his work without having to be reminded what his job is every two minutes. He is taking the piss big style, stop enabling him.

Arnoldthecat · 28/04/2020 18:19

IMHO thats pretty shameful and uncaring. We all like to think people care about us, especially those close. I think many men would have got a card and a gift and got a card for the toddler to scribble something on or make a home made card for mummy. Its the little things that often mean so much ,,PS Happy Birthday !!!

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