To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

No, don't correspond with him at all, what is the point, you don't seem to be compatible together at all.You have stated lots of reasons why he has upset you,and it's time to cut your losses. It's not a loss actually, you will be better off in the long run.

I have always found, that writing things down for yourself when angry or annoyed is good, just to get things out of your head. A bit like on here,where people write about their grievances etc.

Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? I think you need a google and to apply this to any further relationship. Perhaps you could have a read and look at where you applied this all to frequently with this loser.

You say your friends are more acquaintances than friends. They don’t like him, therefore I do wonder if they’d be more friends than acquaintances were he not around.

As for your feeling of being a square peg in a round hole and being intelligent but from a WC background. Plenty of people transgressed the strict class chasm and societal codes before you or I were even born. You’re not the character from My Fair Lady... or do you need elocution lesson? You certainly will be appealing to a decent man with a brain if you thought a darn sight more of yourself.

Think about successful famous people, who started from nothing. They don’t seem to have a chip on their shoulder about where they came from.

Being academically intelligent and emotionally intelligent are two very different things.
Your overly inflated ego seems to stem from your feelings of superiority of intellect which has no correlation to you actually having low self worth within a romantic relationship.

It's painful though, I get that. Especially if you thought this was it, you could spend the rest of your life with him. That really hurts.

But you got some good things out of this relationship, take those forward to the next one.

BTW I get the bright working class thing, neither one nor 'tother. I also get men being threatened by intelligence. So tiresome and, well, upsetting. So disappointing.

No don't contact him
He had more than one chance to have a future with you
Secondly, if you supported him through illness, court, moves that is what good friends do & he owes you nothing

Use this lockdown time to draw strength for yourself & make some plans for a new life

Nobody is perfect
Bear this in mind when meeting new friends & people who may become more than friends

I know lots of different people & it's their differences which makes them interesting

Can you start some new hobbies or join some clubs

Good luck

Woh! Looks like men aren't the only ones threatened by a woman's intelligence, going by your recent responses

Take no notice op. If indeed they are women

Mind you, you did post in AIBU. Par for the course here.

Post in Relationships next time. A more measured and kindly response.

(Actually I'm surprised you've got this far in AIBU before the claws came out.)

@Molliemoo10 That was harsh, but there is a lot of truth in what you're saying there. My DM is very intelligent, she had a top first class honours degree at London University and managed to obtain a PhD in her 70s.

But she failed to realise that her H (my F) was sexually abusing my DSis and me under her nose, and was actually emotionally abusing her as well. (I worked that out when I was helping her to do some digging into past letters from him to her and I was really shocked when I read them as a mature adult.

She thought he was a wonderful husband and father, and managed to convince us of that as well.

I wouldn't say that the OP has an inflated ego, though. That was an unfair thing to say. Confidence in academic ability isn't a bad thing.

What a stroke of luck, you offloaded the horrible loser and saved yourself from a miserable future.

If you must have your say and get it off your chest; write it all down as if it's a letter to him. Don't hold back; really give the oaf chapter and verse, the works. Goodbye, this is the end, terminated.

Sign it, pour yourself a glass of wine, then have a little fire ceremony while you burn the letter and toast your future independence.

He sounds terrible. Good riddance sis, let him go - on to the next one. He totally doesn't deserve you.

I know where the inflated ego bit comes from as I thought the same when I read this way back on the first page

I have to laugh at 'find someone better'. I was single for over 5 years before I met him, he's the only man I've ever had a relationship with who was similar to me in intelligence, personality etc, and who valued my brain as much as everything else. I've never met another man who hasn't expected me to dumb myself down...so I don't think there are loads of men out there!

This hints at OP being so superior to so many other women. There's lots of women out there with brains, who don't dumb down and who are appreciated by and with nice men

@TheStuffedPenguin

Point taken. I do find it surprising that she said that he was the only man she'd met who didn't want her to 'dumb down'. Decent men don't want this, full stop.

The OP's ex doesn't sound to me as if he was really interested in her intelligence, he sounds more las if he was good at saying what she wanted to hear, but the mask lifted finally and he showed her what he was really like.

I'm not sure what some of the snippy comments are about

I'm honestly not claiming intellectual superiority to anyone, and if it's come across that way then it certainly wasn't meant. I'm just relating my experiences.

I'm very proud of my background and heritage. At uni I was told (by so called friends) that my speech and appearance were 'common' and that I'd fit in better if I straightened my hair, ditched my cutoffs and DMs, and spoke in a more RP way. I couldn't do that, so found new people to hang out with - but the square peg thing was kind of born then, and I was always looking for people to accept me as I am (even though the DMs are long gone!). I thought I had that person. I don't believe in soulmates or anything, but I do believe in love, and long term relationships, and I thought I'd found someone I liked and respected that I wanted that with, and who liked and respected me too.

And it is sad when things don't work out when you expect to be together for many more years. But it is as it is, and the more I write, the more I can see not only that it's irretrievable (which I already knew) but also that it being over is not the worst thing. It would be worse if I'd let him get away with an apology, token or otherwise, and we were still together.

Don't be obtuse, Penguin.

If op has consistently face men who are threatened by her intelligence/achievements it becomes an issue relevant to mention. She's hardly the first to face this.

Let's say you email him. He will rebut all your claims. Back to square 1. Nothing solved.

Let's say you email him. He agrees with everting you say. You pick up where you left off. Nothing has really changed though. He still cheated on you, prodded you etc.

He's crossed a line. Several in fact.

Do you not feel any relief at all that you don't have to deal with this anymore? It can just sink into the past.

It really all sounds unpleasant and he's not a catch at all.

I'd rather be alone than with someone like that. Why wouldn't you? Why would you put up with someone cheating on you?

I know what you mean about relationships and friendships being scarce though.

It can be terribly lonely. But you have to keep plugging away at the friendships if you want success at them.

Of course there are lots of nice, intelligent women with nice men. I've not claimed otherwise. They probably met at uni, or college, or at work in their 20s. And have stayed together. So I wouldn't encounter those nice men in a romantic sense now because they'd still be in a relationship :)

I do believe there are loads of nice men in the world. I work with lots of great, happily married men. I know many women with lovely husbands and partners (some also not so lovely). I know people very happily married to their teenage sweethearts.

Unfortunately in my life I've met a lot of really unpleasant men. I've been verbally abused and physically assaulted by complete strangers in public. On dating sites (going back a few years now) I regularly received unsolicited dick pics, and was called many disgusting names. You delete and block the sender but it's still happened. Sadly many women I know have had similar experiences. That's the worst of the bell curve, but there's been lots of other mild put downs. Or at best a polite acknowledgment that my conversation is too highbrow for them.

You’re basically trying to say you’re ‘not like other girls’ while describing experiences most girls have faced, yes there’s some shitty men out there but you’re not the only one who has experienced that? Also why are you so obsessed with social class and background

Not all women have had those experiences - many that I know who are married or in LTRs were shocked to hear how some men behave on dating sites, for example.

I acknowledged above that my experience on such sites is shared by other women.

In terms of class etc, I was relating something which was said directly to me. I was asked why I feel I don't fit in and explained.

I'm really not sure what your issue is with me curiositykilledthecat113, or in among a thread of constructive, thoughtful posts quite why you are being so antagonistic? I'm trying to work out how I have pushed your buttons...are you offended by me describing myself as intelligent, or saying I am working class? Am I demonstrating that I have ideas above my station or something?

With this guy, I believed I'd be with him for the rest of my life. We'd talked about retirement plans, we had lots of ideas and hopes for the future. I'm so angry that he valued it all so little.

Future faking- a lot of men who cheat/threaten/intimidate women do this

I get what you’re saying about uni etc, I’m the same

I met my OH online and he’s super intelligent and adorable

But it’s a lot of frogs and shit to wade through...

This bloke is a massive wrongun and you know this.

Tell us what you want to say and get it out of your system

Oh please don’t let the idiots on here dent your resolve. The whole reason you got into this relationship is because too many people convinced you that their opinions mattered more than you did.

Channel some FTFO, and be content with who you are and don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad or inferior!

@jojobar You come across as pretty self obsessed, ‘constructive, thoughtful posts’ that you have ignored as you haven’t changed your opinion. ‘Ideas above my station’ lmao you are obsessed with the idea that everyone sees you as below the value you are. Not offended by you calling yourself intelligent but find it irritating that you’ve written paragraphs upon paragraphs about how intelligent you are and will never find another man because men don’t like intelligent women like you and your ex is the only intelligent man you’ve ever met. Honestly this thread is about you, not your relationship, this is becoming somewhere for you to complain about how hard it is to date when you’re perfect and have a complex over your class 😂

Take no notice of the vileness op.

Honestly, go and put the tea on 113 🙄

@springydaff Are you reinforcing gender roles? quite disgusting attitude tbh