To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

Is this Groundhog Day as I am sure I read this last week.

Why do you have an unconscious drive to pracice self-flagellation with regards to this finished relationship?

Is this a behaviour that has been repeated in other past relationships?

What did you learn growing up? How did your own parents conduct their relationship in front of you? And when they did not think that you were aware?

I remember your original post. He was pointing in your face, then he pushed you so hard you the force knocked you enough to make you take a step back.

That’s not a poke

Please don't tell me that the right man is out there. I know it's meant kindly and I know this muppet very definitely ISN'T the right one. But men with PHDs and professional qualifications wouldn't want me, I'm too lowbrow and working class.

This snippet has been bothering me and I'd be interested if you would elaborate more, though of course you are under no obligation to do so.

Why is it so important to you that any potential partner has to be so highly educated? I work in an industry that is polluted with PhDs and they are nothing special. Of course some are impressively intelligent and well rounded but many lack common sense, people skills, emotional intelligence and life experience. In many ways, they really are not that much different from people with lower formal qualifications. I also know plenty of people with average educational qualifications who are very intelligent, well read and well travelled and successful in their careers. Finally, I know or have known many couples who are at very different levels educationally and career-wise who have very happy and healthy relationships.

It comes across as though you view dating more like a recruitment exercise. It's a potential partners qualities that should matter, not their qualifications.

I remember your original post too.

It’s very hard moving on in world current circumstances, however blocking and removing him from your life will be empowering . As you say write it in word if it helps . Might actually help you realise how awful he is. But he won’t change / understand because you told him.

So he’s cheated on you and you took him back because you equate happiness in your life with his presence. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Remember that!

You taking him back after he cheated on you showed him that he could treat you badly without repercussions

He’s now used his size and strength to intimidate you and has absolutely no remorse or intent to ever reassure you that he won’t ever do it again.

You’ve said you won’t allow it to happen again, but really... physically how would you do that? Answer is (and he knows this even better than you would now) that you CANT stop him being aggressive.

The cheating and letting him back taught him that you will allow him to treat you badly and now he knows he can physically dominate you.

Block him, delete him and make sure he never darkens your door again.

Why? As punishment for treating you like this. To show yourself that you matter more to you and that you’re worth more than this.

You need to work on your self esteem and not attach it to anyone- be with yourself, praise yourself for whatever you have achieved and know that You ARE good enough.

He’s not good enough for you.

I would recommend counselling that DOESNT focus on your relationship with him, but looks at your relationship with you.

You can do this, but give thanks to the stars above that he’s gone so quickly and easily from your home. Use the lockdown to truly celebrate yourself and prepare for the good things to come once you’re able to place a decent value on yourself

Nobody will put you at the top of the list of priorities if you don’t Sometimes put yourself there first

KundaliniRising I've never felt any of my previous relationships would be long term, they were never someone I wanted to be with forever. I ended the majority of them, or we mutually agreed to call it a day.

With this guy, I believed I'd be with him for the rest of my life. We'd talked about retirement plans, we had lots of ideas and hopes for the future. I'm so angry that he valued it all so little.

My parents had a happy relationship, they both valued and admired the other, we were a very close family unit. Their lives were difficult due to health issues and lack of money but they always supported each other. Did they shout at each other - yes. Was there ever any violence, name calling, did an argument ever get left overnight unresolved - no, absolutely not.

Did you have a thread about this man at the time you argued and he left OP? Your opening post is ringing bells in my memory. Don't contact him, you'll get far more satisfaction in the long run by keeping the moral high ground.

My first instinct would be to send an email too. To have the final say. I certainly wanted to do this with my ex. But I have come to realise you haven’t truly moved on until you don’t care, what he thinks.
I don’t think the email will have the reaction you want. He either is incapable of seeing his faults or deep down he knows he is a prick but convinced himself he is right so he doesn’t have to feel like crap. This is why he is violent and feels ok treating you like crap. Either way an email won’t change anything for him. It will make you feel slightly better for a short while.

It’s up to you but personally I would write it all down, then burn it.

The way you talk about him/your relationship in your last post OP sounds like he was really just ticking a box for you. A very important box to you. You have placed “someone with an equal intelligence” very high on your wish list and it sounds as though you were willing to ignore some quite serious personality clashes and poor behaviour on his part because he ticked that one box. You seem to be clinging to this idea that you can only date someone with equal intelligence to you and that’s the holy grail regardless of any other negative aspects of his personality.

I mean your post of 13:10

Tootrue, the quote from my post referenced an earlier post where someone had said I could find nice men with PhDs etc, I'm paraphrasing sorry.

The reality is in my 40 odd years on the planet I have never had a relationship with anyone with a degree, it's never been a pre-requisite for me. What I have found when I was single was those professional guys, I wasn't their cup of tea, and often vice versa - which of course is fine.

The guys without qualifications, I have no snobbery at all, one of the cleverest people I've known was my dad who left school at 14. If you can string a sentence together, make me laugh, have a view on things, that's much of what I'd want. But many men have an overt chip on their shoulder about intelligence, qualifications and/or earnings, so would find a woman like me unappealing, or want me to dumb down in some way, which I wouldn't. Or accuse me of trying to verbally bully them because I know lots of long words (this has happened to me more than once).

Chandler, it wasn't just intelligence. He was probably the only man that I've ever seen a long term future with; right from the start I really liked the way his mind worked. He was/is very funny, he makes me cry with laughter. He has a view on the world beyond beer and football (both of which he hates, though I quite like them), is articulate, very kind to others - would help an old lady across the road, speak to someone if they seemed distressed, buy a homeless person a cup of tea and talk to them. He was often kind and thoughtful to me, and to my kids. He did bring a lot to my life. I didn't really know anyone else like him.

There was a lot of good, he was someone I could have stayed with for the rest of my life. Which is why it's painful that we've ended up where we are.

I understand much of what you say and how you feel but just to join in the chorus....don't write to him, don't get back with him, find new things to fill your life.

You're right, it's hard to find a good man who is compatible, smart, caring etc. You can't make 'old' friends or force people to be closer but may be able to improve the relationships you do have.

Consider post lockdown a fresh start without this pillock.

I really think the very best thing would be to draw a line under this man. He got arsey with you and he got physical. What good would emailing him do? You can’t erase what happened, painful though it is.

I bet he comes crawling back in three months. Best observe strict radio silence. There are better men out there, should you want one, when you are ready.

He was/is very funny, he makes me cry with laughter. He has a view on the world beyond beer and football (both of which he hates, though I quite like them), is articulate, very kind to others - would help an old lady across the road, speak to someone if they seemed distressed, buy a homeless person a cup of tea and talk to them. He was often kind and thoughtful to me, and to my kids.

None of these are rare or special qualities! they are the very basic standard of qualifying as a normal decent human being.

He was often kind and thoughtful to me, and to my kids.

That’s a really sad sentence to read. The person who has the privilege of being invited to share your life, your home, your bed and your precious time and emotions should be kind and thoughtful to you and your children as default! Not as a bonus when they feel like it! You really need to raise your expectations of what a decent person is Op. you have very low standards.

You are not very ''intelligent'' actually if you cannot see that a man who ''puts his hands '' on a woman and ''pokes'' her - your words; does not immediately say sorry himself spontaneously - and then also refuses to apologise which you lowered yourself to ask for it - is to be avoided at the very least?? You should be too intelligent for this - ''shall I , shan't I email him?''

I have no qualifications but I work very hard and good at what I do. If that’s not enough for someone then I don’t want them anyway

He mirrored you in everything and then the true him appeared.

Don’t email him and block him on everything

Thanks for clarifying @Jojobar, I didn't appreciated that you were responding a suggesting that you look for PhDs.

For what it's worth, from how you describe yourself you sound great. Don't right off the possibility of meeting the right person, though being single is far better than being in a unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship.
I get your problem. Far too many men have a completely unjustified sense of entitlement and feel it's their natural right to be the dominant party in a relationship (and I say that as one myself). Good for you for not settling for that shit. A healthy relationship is a partnership based on mutual respect regardless of differences in education, career success or earnings.

I’m sure this has been said but this type of person just never will give you that apology or closure. It’s the way they keep hold of power after the end of a relationship and avoid having to examine their own behaviour.

Before long they will convince themselves you’re the unreasonable one and any attempt to have a nice ending and closure on your part will be stonewalled. They haven’t got it in them to be gracious and graceful. No true kindness. Costs nothing to look like a good person by doing favours for people on your own terms. It takes true strength, courage and real kindness to apologise from the heart and face up to our wrongs. This man does not have it in him, he really doesn’t.

I'm going to write down my thoughts and not send them, at least that will stop it all rattling round in my brain

Definitely do this - a different scenario - I had an abusive boss and one day I got up and walked out and never went back. I was driving myself mad with all my grievances buzzing in my head. I wrote it all down and then saved the document. I never reopened it because I had no need. I was done. It is 7 years on Friday since I left and I've never regretted it for a moment.

You've had a lucky escape - it starts small... then the problem gets much bigger. Don't contact him and find somehow who is worth it!

All he did was act like the guy he knew you wanted and then showed you his true self.

I'm afraid the guy you're agonising over doesn't exist.